Giving the kid to the grandparents to raise for the first number of years is:
OK
NOT OK
0voters
Every time there is a thread on maids, this crops up. So here it is in all its splendor:
Very common in Taiwan is the real-life situation across my lane.
Some couple in their late 20s or so have a kid. They give it to their parents (the baby’s grandparents) to keep during the weekdays. On the weekends (or sometimes only Sunday) the folks come and visit and sometimes bring the child back to wherever “home” is for the day.
This couple has just had another kid. The first one is about three or so. Both now spend most of their time with the parents’ parents.
This really rubs me the wrong way. If you decide to have a child, you must be willing and able to shoulder the responsibility of bringing it up. The issues here are manifest: responsibility, bonding, proper care, etc.
(By the way, this young couple also tried this trick with their dog, if you can believe that. It barked so much at the grandparents’ house at the end of its 3-foot lead 24-hours a day that the neighbors – after about 6 months of this shit – persuaded them to get rid of it.)
When I lived in Aus, I knew of two Asian couples who sent their ABC kids back to their grandparents’ joint, … in China :shock: . Must’ve been the better life the mainlanders enjoy.
Economics is often the driver. The cashier at the Chinese takeout place I frequent works Mon-Sat 10:30 am - 11 pm. (no joke) She can’t afford child care, so the kids are being raised by the grandparents in China.
My youngest daughter lives with her grandparents for 4-5 days during the week due to our busy schedule. While the girl likes it - ask her if she wants to be with the doting and spoiling grandma, and she usually says yes, so I don’t think that we are hurting her.
However, I feel that something (ie her) is missing, when one of my kids are away from home. However I know it’s hard to change, but hope that the situation changes when she gets bigger. However, here in taiwan, the kids belong more to the extended family than to the parents. I have oftentimes gone to my inlaws asking them where my kid is just to be told thatshe went to the market/temple fair/ to be shown off by this or that aunt.
My in-laws baby-sit for short periods of time but they do not raise my kids. The day when my work gets too busy for me to be a parent is the day I start looking for a new job.
That follow traditions, girl partially cuts the link with her parents and completely becomes a part the her husbands family thing oftentimes gets suspended, when the husband is a foreigner.
There are very traditional families and more easy-going ones, for instance my wife changed her and my oldest daughter’s Chinese names - I don’t think my father-in-law was consulted in this matter.
The family seem to be very permissive with kids till they are around 4 years old. After that the upbringing noose is tightened.
I would prefer to have both kids at home every day - even though as the sole foreigner, you often discover that your authority in such matters is a bit non-existent.
I would prefer to have both kids at home every day - even though as the sole foreigner, you often discover that your authority in such matters is a bit non-existent.[/quote]
That’s right on. There are times when I am “out-voted” on certain matters concerning the boys. If one really, really needs full time day-care, I can think of no better than caring grandparents. My oldest son is my father-in-law’s best friend. Grandpa is always asking if Eddie can come over and go hiking, etc. I think that is really cool.
It surprised me that my somewhat mentally remote inlaws (my father in law has yet to place his first phone call to us) turned into so caring grandparents (even though getting a call from my mother-in-law at 11 PM asking us if we have made sure that our girls are ok kind of gets to my tits) - especially as my wife used to tell me that as daughters of daughters, my girls would probably not arouse much grandparent-feeling in my out-laws. Needless to say, her prediction was completely off the mark.
I sometimes sense a pissing-contest between my wife and my mother-in-law over how to raise my little girl. It sometimes ends with my wife keeping her for a few days. I’d wish I could be of help, but my work schedule is even more pressed than most Taiwanese.
My Ma used to tease my wife that if she (my wife) displeased her (my Ma), that my Ma would send my wife back to her (my wife’s) parents. That was back while we were still living in the States.
[quote=“Mr He”]There are very traditional families and more easy-going ones, for instance my wife changed her and my oldest daughter’s Chinese names - I don’t think my father-in-law was consulted in this matter.
I would prefer to have both kids at home every day - even though as the sole foreigner, you often discover that your authority in such matters is a bit non-existent.[/quote]
Man, I lucked-out! My in-laws are at once very traditional and quite progressive. They like me as much as a foreign son-in-law could be liked and they respect my word as final when it comes to rearing my boy.
Hell, come to think of it, I think they might be a bit frightened of me :shock:
Nah! Its probably just that my wife has done an excellent job of constantly reminding her folks that I am not Chinese/Taiwanese and thus, the normal rules don’t apply.
Well, if the parents are stupid enough to spend their golden years taking care of some snot-nosed rugrats when they could be out having a blast playing mahjong and slurping down soba noodles in Japan, then I don’t see how you could blame their kids for dumping the brats on em.
Debating this with my wife right now … we decided to try to get one of the many sisters in the family to quit her job and help us look after our newborn. I just can’t send our baby to the in-laws … they raised 7 kids, they really deserve a break!
Becoming grandparents do strange things to people. They find that they have more time to spend on the kids than work obligations permitted them to spend on their own. They might even find that it’s enjoyable.
My son spent five months of his life, after the traditional confinement period/maternity leave, living with my sister-in-law. We lived near Tunwa N. Rd. and Bade Rd., she lived in Mucha. We visted every day after work and brought him home Friday night.
To me it wasn’t an ideal situation but my wife thought nothing of it. My sister-in-law treats him like a third son and is great. I still feel a tinge of guilt now and then but he sure doesn’t remember anything and everything worked out fine.
I have heard some horror stories but they must be the exception because I have a lot of friends who follow this pattern and nobody’s kid has died yet.
btw, I was referring to long-term, not just a month or two. My example has the kid living with the grandfolks for several years.
I thought the deal was watching the kids grow and stuff. When they get to be know-it-all teens and then move out…poof! you’ve lost them. Then what do you have to look back on? “Remember the time we picked up junior that year and he pooped his pants right there? Oh, what a kid!”
Come on - it works as an extended family, which is great, when you are tired and need someone else to take care of the kids - say 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Both my parents worked full-time jobs when I was little, and yet they still managed to raise me themselves. I did go to day-care and all, but I was with my parents every evening, except for the occasional weekend with grandma because I loved it that she spoiled me rotten
IMO, if you’re THAT busy that you can’t raise a child yourself, you shouldn’t have it in the first place. I’ve also seen way too many Taiwanese families where the kids are raised completely by the grandparents, seeing their parents only 1-2 times per week … and I’m not talking about just when they’re babies … even through elementary school.
My Ma used to tease my wife that if she (my wife) displeased her (my Ma), that my Ma would send my wife back to her (my wife’s) parents. That was back while we were still living in the States.