John,
I’ve always believed that Mayan apocalypse theory full of crap. But this year has been nothing less than seemingly endless waves of catastrophic tribulations set to test my will for survival and a long trial for my grit and sanity. Many times I thought I would break. Now here I am, at the year’s end, and with (some) help from friends, family, and (yes) professional care, I have dusted myself off and gotten back on my feet. Among the many experiences I’ve gone through this year, one of them is that dreaded existential crisis they tell of in the legends. I questioned my existence and questioned whether the existence of such an organism should persist, even when said organism isn’t making much positive contribution to the universe or the community of beings at large. I worried that by not moving forward, I was holding others’ back. Because I wasn’t doing my part to better the collective human race. I worried about the uncertainty of the future, the depressingly low odds of success, the massive chances of failure, and most of all worried about the resilience of my mind if things really take a dive south. I worried about the unknown and that damn cat of Schrodinger’s. And you know what? The doubts, worries, and fear really took a toll and reflected on my physical health. Being an agnostic atheist, my first turn was (if it wasn’t already obvious) to science.
Science says that we as human beings are here due to one odd group of fishes had a peculiar fin anatomy that could transform into legs for terrestrial creatures; because planet earth never froze completely during an ice age; since a tiny and tenuous species, arising in Africa a quarter of a million years ago, has managed so far to survive each day like they’ve done. We might long for a “higher” answer — but frankly, none exists. But at the end of the day, though troubling (if not terrifying), this explanation is ultimately oddly liberating. We really can’t read the meaning of life passively in the facts of nature. I think the reality is you and I must construct these answers ourselves — from our own cultivated wisdom and our own ethical sense.
In that famous commencement speech Steve Jobs did, he mentioned (and I’m paraphrasing) that a person’s work is going to fill a large part of his/her life. And the only way to be satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do that is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. So keep looking until you find it. Seriously, don’t settle.
I recently realized that the most frightening fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death — however mutable we as humans might be able to make them — our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. If you waste time fretting over life’s meaning, you might have no time to live — or to pursue and experience happiness.
This is your life. Nobody else’s. Do what you love, and do the crap out of that shit. If you don’t like something, change that motherfucker. Don’t like your job? Quit that bitch. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching ESPN at the bar and make time. If you are searching for the love of your life, stop; that person will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love.
Surviving is great and all (not really), but living is the true way to go (definitely).
We’re all learning as we go along, and sometimes (in my case, oftentimes) we learn it the hard way. It’s fucked up, yeah, but know that if you keep soldiering on, eventually your original doubts and fears will become inane and irrelevant. Rest assured by then there’ll be another new thing to freak out about. Bitches come and go, so just do what you can. Analyze the cards that you are dealt with at this moment, then do everything humanly possible to capitalize on it and win. Then move forward with that. If you made a mistake and shit went wrong? Ok so you’ve lost that battle, but learn from it and win the damn war.
Just remember to recognize your own limits and acknowledge when you know in your heart you can’t face a situation alone; it takes strength to admit a need for support. At the same time, you also gotta take charge. As mentioned above I ultimately sought for proper medical care, but the healing process wouldn’t have progressed if I didn’t do my part in making it work. Rejecting negative people is one thing. Quitting a dead end job is another. Meditation is also a fine release. Whatever your methods may be, as long as you commit to it, there will be improvement. Baby steps is key.
Life is a huge cosmic mess and shit happens. But however vast the darkness, we must supply our own light. It’s the only way to keep sane.
