How do you deal with arguments in a relationship?

[gary]

[quote=“SuchAFob”]I cannot control him and I will not try. If I did not like him for who he was, I would not be with him. Part of who he is a crazy surfer who doesn’t wear enough sun screen. Yes, I understand that you can only repair a little bit and prevention is much more effective. But Ialso understand that part of who he is is a man who does not think of those things.
If he look like an 80 year old man by next week, he will still have a soft heart and great personality and I won’t care. But I would prefer if he did not.[/quote]

I’m sorry to have suggested anything about how you might act. I understand all of us have some limit of what we’ll accept and everyone’s different about how much they can change.

[gary]

[quote=“candyfloss”]
Hey clee19821013, this is really good analysis regarding my situation. How come you have such sensitivities. I’m amazed.
I think I just let myself be more open minded talking about this relationship, which might help you understand the situation better.
Ya besides culture difference , we also have age difference by 20. It sounds like lots of issues to deal with. And I find it difficult to talk about my problems with my friends from time to time as they never encounter by a situation like mine. It’s strange I’m a 20’s year old Taiwanese and he’s a 40’s year old American, but we did click very well at the beginning we met. We have a lot in common by nature, but I think my heart is just too young to judge all the new changes in my life right.
I need to take things more slowly and try to learn each other better as to avoid illusions.[/quote]

candyfloss,

I imagine that whatever maturity your boyfriend and you have reached, he is probably finding it very difficult to speak about aspects of human emotions he has yet to encounter. Not many people know themselves really well and are able to freely talk about it.

I would suggest really learning to listen to him. You might eventually figure out what’s inside. It could be difficult; it could hurt and you might get upset.

Sometimes, I just let people speak on and on. You can learn a lot by letting one person talk for hours without trying to steer the conversation in any way. They’ll become much more comfortable and express a lot more.

We can always become better listeners. I wonder though, can your boyfriend?

[clee19821013]

@gary

[quote=“clee19821013”]As to things about promises, that depends on what you’re talking about. It might appear to be something small and simple from the other person’s perspective, of course he has to respect you and understand you, but have you tried to make it clear what you wanted? Not trying to generalize, but that’s what I usually don’t see in people’s first relations, then people just gets all upset about things, communication is the key, but “clear” communication is more essential, do you really get the message through is the key if you ask me.

Respect is key. Though sometimes people can be uncomfortable enough to act in ways that look like they don’t respect you.[/quote]

The thing is I don’t think most people “intentionally” tries to not to respect the other person, especially their significant others. It’s just a lot times misunderstanding can be created because lack of clear communication. It might seems a small deal to X who throws his socks on the floor every night while making Y extremely uncomfortable, little things like this happen all the time if you ask me, even to married couples (or all the time to just married couple if you ask me). Of course being late is absolutely unacceptable, but that also depends on the culture if you ask me, when I first came to the States (15 years old) I wasn’t used to the fact that I have to be exactly in class before the bell rang, doesn’t work like that way in Taiwan (we start walking into class when the bell rang, of course, we stay in one classroom, and the point of break in between is for break not for you to switch between classrooms, so different idea). I wouldn’t know that is something impolite had I not been told so, and made very clear about it.

[clee19821013]

[quote=“candyfloss”][quote=“clee19821013”]First, how old are you and how old is he, same age group? It is perfectly normal for you to want to know him well, just be warned though, it is where it might hurts. No one ever feels comfortable about talking their things to strangers, even if you guys are lovers, to some degree, you’re still a stranger, you’re not with him since he was born, there are things he might not want you to know. Human like to protect themselves with a bubble shield, so no one comes too close. As time progress he should open up. What kind of guy is him, shy? Outgoing? In both case the guy might still want to hide something inside their minds. You can try to drag him out, that’s about it, be patient, show affection, and reminds him of the great time you guys have, bring out topic when it is appropriate, be smooth, and then giving enough time he should feel more comfortable to be open to you.

…[/quote]

Hey clee19821013, this is really good analysis regarding my situation. How come you have such sensitivities. I’m amazed.
I think I just let myself be more open minded talking about this relationship, which might help you understand the situation better.
Ya besides culture difference , we also have age difference by 20. It sounds like lots of issues to deal with. And I find it difficult to talk about my problems with my friends from time to time as they never encounter by a situation like mine. It’s strange I’m a 20’s year old Taiwanese and he’s a 40’s year old American, but we did click very well at the beginning we met. We have a lot in common by nature, but I think my heart is just too young to judge all the new changes in my life right.
I need to take things more slowly and try to learn each other better as to avoid illusions.

As for the defining things for breaking promises, I guess there is not much like small/big thing issue in our situation. I just found out it’s a different attitude we treat things and life after I talked to him today. And I learned a lot. We do think quite differently. I forget I’m from a traditional Taiwanese family and he travels a lot in the world already.[/quote]

40, hum… well, I would imagine he would still want to be a little boy around you sometimes (at least I do ), physical contact is quite essential when you try to open someone up (no, I am not talking about sex, but just when you guys talk, make the physical distance disappear first before open the door for heart to heart conversation). Just listen, don’t question him in the interrogating sense, be curious and patient (of course it wouldn’t be much of a conversation if only one side talk, but if what you want to do is to learn him, then you have to make him comfortable, questioning usually doesn’t do it very well, just be curious, ask why, and let him talk). It is overly generalize, but this is what I can say since I don’t know him, and just base on one side information, I will always be biased, so you should know better than I do.

P.S. I am 22 years old here, so not going to lie to you about how many great experience I have (3 more serious ones I suppose), just that there are quite a few ups and downs I had in the past, so I can speak a few things, and I hung out with older folks, so learn few tricks from them as well (older men and women, both).

[jonnygard70]

ummm…20 year age difference? i know this will get the cradle (and grave) robbers out there all pissy but couldn’t that be part of the problem?

[gary]

candyfloss,

A way of looking at this is:

There are people you have a very easy time being friends with; they make you feel at ease and very comfortable. Some are your very best friends. It feels natural being with them.

Is your boyfriend like this? If not, is it really worth it?

[clee19821013]

Perhaps it’s too little information for us to judge, let her deicde, life lesson, she has to learn it on her own anyway. Would us be happier if her boyfriend was 20 as well, probably, but what does that matter to us? It’s her life, and we don’t know either parties well enough to judge.

[canyfloss]

Guys, thanks for your concern about my problems and life. I guess I’m flattered as being just a stranger here.
We do get along very well until just one argument popped up. Sometimes it’s hard to believe why I am with someone with some many differences from me , but on the bright side, it’s an unique chance to learn what we don’t have from each other while we do share a lot in common regarding thinking and values at a certain degree. The most important thing is we are positive people, so things usually work out for us .

Most of people here help me unveil men’s psychology mask, and then I can’t help but wonder have you tried to care about women’s feeling in the relationship and how to get to know them better? Just a thought the other way around. Maybe not much different with dealing a man but a bit more sensitivities than just common sense . Then again, everyone is different though.

[Dragonbabe]

@Loretta

If your partner doesn’t respect you enough to keep promises then why are you in a relationship with him/her? Relationships are all about respect.

I can’t agree with you more.

[jdsmith]

@AniSll

[quote=“Loretta”]If your partner doesn’t respect you enough to keep promises then why are you in a relationship with him/her? Relationships are all about respect.

I can’t agree with you more. [/quote]

Sure,but how long will it last? The laws of statistics will predict that sooner or later a promise will be broken? And once that happens, it gets easier to break promises?

Then what?

[clee19821013]

[quote=“canyfloss”]Guys, thanks for your concern about my problems and life. I guess I’m flattered as being just a stranger here.
We do get along very well until just one argument popped up. Sometimes it’s hard to believe why I am with someone with some many differences from me , but on the bright side, it’s an unique chance to learn what we don’t have from each other while we do share a lot in common regarding thinking and values at a certain degree. The most important thing is we are positive people, so things usually work out for us .

Most of people here help me unveil men’s psychology mask, and then I can’t help but wonder have you tried to care about women’s feeling in the relationship and how to get to know them better? Just a thought the other way around. Maybe not much different with dealing a man but a bit more sensitivities than just common sense . Then again, everyone is different though.[/quote]

We certainly try to care for our women, whether we succeed in it or not is a different story.

[Dragonbabe]

@clee19821013

Perhaps it’s too little information for us to judge, let her deicde, life lesson, she has to learn it on her own anyway. Would us be happier if her boyfriend was 20 as well, probably, but what does that matter to us? It’s her life, and we don’t know either parties well enough to judge.

Indeed. It’s her life and she doesn’t really need such judegments from any of us, it’s her life. Of course we care about someone who’s young and with an older man, but sometimes people tend forget that it’s her life after all, her own decision…

[Jubom]

You sound like such a sweet young woman, canyfloss, and I really like how gentle you sound in the way you describe things.

In my opinion, unconditional love applies to both parties. I appreciate your trying to understand him even when it’s challenging for you, and I want you to remember that you get love yourself unconditionally, too.

It’s challenging when arguments arise because we are so trained to think that only one person gets to be right in relationships. It’s a art of learn to stay connected no matter how different we are; so many factors go into this.

Sounds like you are taking risks and expanding yourself in the realm of romantic love and relationships. Good for you. Remember to take gentle care of yourself as you care about him. You get to do both.

[Sweetie]

It is in fact very difficult to try and communicate when the other partner is unwilling…