There are several alcoholics in my family - some really bad. One cousin drank herself to death, for example. My father also has some serious mental health problems; other relatives also do, though perhaps not as bad.
My husband has never met anyone in my family, but I am hoping we will be able to move back to my hometown soon. How much do I tell him? I’m afraid that if I tell him too much - that is, the truth - he’ll be secretly thinking, ‘Christ, I married into a nuthouse. How do I escape?’ or that he’ll think less of me.
My sisters and I are pretty open amongst ourselves about these problems, but since childhood we have been trained to hide all evidence, of the alcoholism in particular, from outsiders.
[quote=“bababa”]There are several alcoholics in my family - some really bad. One cousin drank herself to death, for example. My father also has some serious mental health problems; other relatives also do, though perhaps not as bad.
My husband has never met anyone in my family, but I am hoping we will be able to move back to my hometown soon. How much do I tell him? I’m afraid that if I tell him too much - that is, the truth - he’ll be secretly thinking, ‘Christ, I married into a nuthouse. How do I escape?’ or that he’ll think less of me.
My sisters and I are pretty open amongst ourselves about these problems, but since childhood we have been trained to hide all evidence, of the alcoholism in particular, from outsiders.[/quote]
Don’t try and hide it. Be honest and mention your family has a problem with addictions. He’s already married you for your qualities and he’ll know that nobody makes a choice when it comes to family. It’s something you’re born into and don’t choose.
Just remember everything you tell her will be used against you.
He should know the truth so that he can have an informed say in how close the two of you live to your family.
Since you haven’t told him yet, don’t have a ‘let’s sit down and talk’ thingy. Be open. Everytime, you talk of moving or family, put in a few sentences of truth. More than just saying that ‘dad is an alcoholic’, mention how YOU feel about it. Tell him ’ when I was in 8th grade and dad came home drunk, I was afraid etc. etc’. So he will see it from your perspective and not just glean facts.
Don’t worry about the truth coming out, it is the lies that are harder to cope with.
Are YOU a jakey? Do YOU favour the ole purple tin of Tennents Supercharged? No? Then, what on earth? He 'aint marrying your dear old dad. If you’re clean, and he’s met and got hitched to you, then why can’t you just tell him the truth? If you move back to Canookislovakistania then the truth will out soon enough in any case. Be straight. He’s your goddamned husband!
Not everyone marries vindictive people,and not everyone drives their spouses up the wall.
And not everyone’s husband is a ‘she’. 
I’d go the full disclosure route, and I wouldn’t worry too much about him freaking out. Everyone has a few nutjobs in the family, whether they are diagnosed or not. It isn’t something most adults would be shocked by.
Yeah. Whenever members of my extended family want to get married, they feel compelled to sit down with their spouse-to-be and tell them the naked truth about me.
Yeah. Whenever members of my extended family want to get married, they feel compelled to sit down with their spouse-to-be and tell them the naked truth about me.[/quote]
I’m sure you’d be classified under “lovable nutjob.”
Yeah. Whenever members of my extended family want to get married, they feel compelled to sit down with their spouse-to-be and tell them the naked truth about me.[/quote]
hairy bum included?
Unfortunately for me, my family thinks I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of dad. When we go back, the plan is to live close enough to dad to check in on him every day. My husband is fine with this part - he thinks it is your filial duty - but doesn’t know just how bad it is or can get.
I guess everyone is right though - I will tell him.
Not everyone marries vindictive people,and not everyone drives their spouses up the wall.[/quote]
I know. Im a blabbermouth. My SO gets to hear everything and more about me and my clan. Much more info then she could digest 
And nah, she doesnt use it against me. But hey it could be used against ya?
ITs not a secret if anyone other then YOURSELF knows something.
bababa I am sure your father has good qualities as well. Almost everyone does. Perhaps if your husband heard a little bit about that too it would be good.
Other than that goddamned if I know. Sounds like your husband is going to find out about things anyway. Might as well try to give as broad a perspective as possible, the good with the bad. Maybe even some history about your grandparents…
Too many people find it too easy to dispense with really trying to understand other people once they have been catagorized one way or another. It’s good to remember that the catagories are “always” a profound over-simplification.
That being said I think you have to be prepared for the possibility that your husband could bail on you in this kind of situation. Would you go to live in a foriegn country with him if it meant living among alcoholics?
Also, I’d be reluctant too to accept too much responsibility within any dynamic that involves alcohol. I wouldn’t let an alcoholic tell me what I was responsible for particularly if what they wanted me to be responsible for was them. Some family systems are just plain busted. Denying that won’t change anything. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be involved with them anymore. It just means that it would be unrealistic to to hope that your needs would be met through that involvement. And if your needs absolutley won’t be met it becomes questionable what commitment it would be wise to make.
In the end it’s just about accepting reality.
Bob’s yer uncle! Er, welll no. Maybe that doesn’t work here. Anyway, Bob’s right. You must never live your life for someone else, especially not for an abuser. It really IS okay to say no to family if you will be hurt or deprived by doing as they ask. Even if they seem very needy, and even if you feel very guilty.
If you would tell your friend not to do what you are thinking about doing, then you should think very carefully first before you go ahead. An abuser may love you very much, but will not stop that from being unfair to you, asking for more than they have a right to.
None of my business, of course. I’ve just been there.
And you must tell your husband everything. You risk his resentment, otherwise. Would you want him to tell you if things were reversed?
All the best to you.
You have to tell him his going to be living near and have to deal with an alcoholic. He should have a choice about it. I hope this is something that you really want to do because you love your dad and not something you feel you have to do. It’s very risky to move so close to your family it seems. Good luck!