How to get on TV-BS news (call letters well-chosen?)


#1

I’ve become a fan of TVBS news. They don’t clutter my mind with complicated economics or foreign affairs stories. Instead, every newscast includes–almost without fail–at least one story featuring scantily-clad women, cute animals, or the lottery.

The “mei nu” (babe) report. Often this consists of fashion models on the catwalk. (Funny thing is, they show zero interest in the men’s or children’s lines.) If a visiting dance troupe is so forward-thinking as to include strip-tease in their performance, you can be sure the story will receive at least five minutes of running time, with the most lustful sequences repeated.

Cute animal report. I swear, does TVBS have a reporter stationed permanently at the zoo? So if any cuddly animal gives birth (hatches, whatever) they can give it all the coverage it deserves? The other day, though, they ignored the zoo and spent several minutes on a one-legged duck.

And lottery reports. Not just the numbers, but the whole ball-bouncing pageantry so the viewer has to wait for one number, then the other. Maybe they should add a little running text across the bottom for “other” news outside their beats, like: “Today’s Middle East Casualties: Israelies 24, Palestinians 12.”

I could go on and on about this. Like the “perp walks” and other “Cops” type programming made a part of the regular news show.

Now I see that some of you are frustrated about the forcing of Tong Yong Pin Yin. Perhaps you would like to mount a public protest, and go to the media. But the media may not be interested, since you are not obviously on drugs, and nobody understands linguistics. So you need to smuggle your difficult cause onto the boob tube by stealth.

Throwing eggs may be enough, but if you take off even half of your clothing, they’ll eat that right up. Another possibility is to organize a Dog Parade. While the camera lingers on the cute animals, or your butts, the TVBS might accidentally let an actual issue of substance slip into the broadcast.

(Don’t burn the Tongyong guy in effigy, though, the lighting wouldn’t turn out right.)


#2

Yes, the event is forming in my mind. It requires three dogs. The slogan is “Tongyong pinyin - no no no, Hanyu pinyin - go go go.” Three dogs = gou gou gou, geddit? I will supply one dog, Maoman can probably provide a second, so we need just one more. Any offers?