‘beware of gold diggers it’s not your fault’ speech
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I was presented with a request for advice from a friend, but I’m in a quandry to how to present the advice without hurting his feeling. Basically he is a good guy, but from a career point of view sort of aimless, which is one of the reason it is difficult for him to have a steady relationship now that he is out of school.
In terms of looks, he is considered very attractive. He has no problems getting dates. But some of the girls that are his type are out of his league in my opinion, because not only are they image conscious, they are also career orientated. So after a couple of dates the chemistry is gone.
So he calls me up one day asking for advice, but I was in the middle of something and out of town, so I told him I get back in a couple of days
I’m thinking of just telling him
Get your act together. You’re out of school now. Money matters now. Girls care about money, no matter what they say otherwise.
Or
Well stop going out with those type of girls that care so much about money and career. I mean that’s the grind. Working forever for the house, the car, the watch, the diamond, the vacation, etc.
So should I go the ‘self-improvement’ pep talk or the ‘beware of gold diggers it’s not your fault’ speech.
How about none of the above? Give him your view of how the world works, where he stands in the grand scheme of things, and let him draw his own conclusions.
It’s better he draws his own conclusions with what you tell him the “worldly view” is. If his world-view and yours don’t have common ground, there’s probably not a lot you can do to help him realize his shortcomings.
You know one of those 9-5’er, happy and content with limited responsibility. Doesn’t want to conquer the world, leave their mark in the world, etc. Not a swinger or player. Just Normal.
Late twenties
Yes
The property is owned by his step father. So not really at home. But not really independent either.
I’m not sure if he is trying to be the submissive in the relationship. I just assume he’s looking for a life partner.
I would say that there are plenty of good, non-“gold-digging”, unattached women out there. Not that I’m going to set him up, but here are a few more questions for everyone’s edification:
Is he fun to be with?
Is he a good man?
Is he competent?
Is there anything seriously wrong with him? (e.g. alcohol / drug abuse, violence, depression)
What kind of values does he have? (i.e., what is most important to him?)
What kind of relationship does he want?
What were his previous long-term relationships like?
If ‘his type’ is career-oriented girls, who have their act together, then I suppose it’ll be hard for him to find someone. Then he should either start going for different women, who are more free-wheeling, like himself, or get his act together so that he will be attractive to women who are career-oriented.
I’d tell him how the world works, what Jaboney says, but without implying that he is doing something wrong, because that doesn’t seem to be the case. In any case, if you’re good friends (and you must be, if he asks you for such advice) tell him what is most close to what you really think (again, without implying that there is something wrong with him). Just saying what you think he wants to hear is not very constructive.
By the way I don’t think it’s exactly the money that matters to women (that is, not all women), but more the idea that a woman who is serious about him might want to know what his plans for the future are, to see how she would fit into that. If he has no plans at all, that’s just not a very good basis for a long-term relationship. Also, in a long-term relationship you want to build up something, and a guy that you may end up providing for because he’s not that interested in working or building something is not the right man to do that with.