I have no idea how to properly put into words all the things that I have been through and feeling like I am not fitting into reality.
PS: Sorry for a long post because i want to be honest and hope understands a bit about my past. especially my 2 relationships with guys.
Born in 1988 in a small town, I still remember my first feelings for the guy is one of my friend’s boyfriend but at that time I thought I like him because he is nice to me. When I was 16 years old I started to date girl and to have a pretty girlfriend was a goal at that time, I even got into fights because of girls, and I almost died. my closest friend at that time is one of the gangs’ members in the school, I had some kinds of feelings for him but I denied it because I didn’t want too. I used to make fun of sissy classmates to showing off my muscularity, I will get angry easily if someone jokes about gay stuffs. when i turned 17, I almost got raped by a stranger who i met on the street but luckily the police came.
when I was in college I moved out and live alone then I start to find out my feeling for the guys, I created so many fake accounts to talk to the guys on the internet. but I date some girls at that time too. one day I met a Singaporean guy on the internet, we met and get drunk. the next day i was terrified when I found out that i was sleeping next to him. I couldn’t stop asking myself what I did, but because he is foreigner i felt more comfortable to start my first gay relationship. So I decided to move to Singapore to study and live with him, the first year wasn’t happy at all, he cheated on me so many times. I was so lonely I didn’t have any friend or nobody to talk to so I wanted to suicide so I call my family they were very happy and thinking that I am in a good place. after hearing all that I changed my mind, I wanted to talk to him that I want to break up this time but he apologizes to me and promised that he will never do that again.
i didn’t forgive him completely so i try to do exactly what he did to men I met a guy on the internet, we hang out while my boyfriend travels overseas. one night that guy wanted to come over for a drink then we start drinking and kiss while making out I stop and ask him to leave. I feel so guilty and disgusting about myself why i should do this to the one that i love so i promise myself that i will never ever do it again.
After 5 years together i decided to move back to my country, we still keep in touch but things didn’t last very long, we broke up, not sure why but i guess he had new boyfriend, i started to drink and addicted to it, i drank almost every day.
in 2017 i met another guy we dated for a week, i tried to get to know him and understand him more and more. after 3 months i still not feel like he is the one for me because i knew that i lied to me so many times and i wanted to stop but he didn’t want too, i start to be more serious i ask him so many things about relationship and life then he convinced me that he will only love me and want to marry me one day.
So i think, I have huge responsibilities to make it happen, this time i withdrew all my saving to start business again and take care of him, we struggle a lot but i always try my best to make us live comfortably. one day he decided to start to look for a job, i support him and encourage him to work hard then we can have a better future. but after 1 week he started working i didn’t feel right about his behavior but i blamed myself for thinking too much. he came back home late almost every day, one day i found out that he and his boss cheat on me and he wanted to broke up me. he said he wanted to have a better life and saying things that hurt me the most that I’m too poor for him even i gave him everything that i had.
With a broken heart and empty pocket i didn’t know what to do next and where to go, i completely lost.
After 1 year I’m feeling better now, i quit drinking and starting to rebuild my career. i didn’t meet anyone or missing my exes but i realized after all these years are the lessons to become who i am right now.
Recently i am feeling so hopeless and i am hating my self for thinking this way. ( I don’t intend to offend anyone if i do. i apologize in advance )
I keep having these thoughts day and night.
1./I am afraid that if i love someone again they will cheat on me. because I still don’t understand why people easily to hook up and sleeping around even when they are attached. being gay is hard and finding gay love even harder so why don’t we focus on building the relationship instead. don’t make me wrong, i strongly believe that if you are single you can do whatever you want but not when you attached.
2./ i can’t do one-night stand or using the dating app, my first time to use dating app was 3 months ago, after 1 month of trying i gave up. whomever i met they always intend to have one night stand. honestly, i wish i can do that but i can’t, i only can sleep with the guy that i love.
3./ Overthinking about family, whenever i am in love i am thinking about marriage because it is a wonderful feeling to spend the rest of your life to the person that you love.
4./ Not many people think loyalty is key to build a happy relationship. in life i believe you or me will meet someone that we think they are prettier, better than our loved one but for me, i trained myself to not think about that why would i do that, that’s really insane. Because once we think that way we have already started hurting your loved one.