Impending parenthood funkathon

Taiwan Parenting
41

Yup, I felt that way the first time. Scared shitless. It’s very normal. Your life is about to be turned on its head, and it’s scary. Lots of unknowns.

[quote=“sandman”]
My wife has actual conversations with the brat-to-be – they’re a bit one-sided, admittedly, but there’s a real bond there.[/quote]

That’s normal too. If you want to try something funny, try to sing for her belly. The baby has ears, and they work now. I don’t know about Taiwan, however where I come from the dad will be the first holding the baby after a c-section. Now the little brat to be is used to hear your voice a bit, however if you try to sing for him and use the same song evevry time, it may hit om some familiar notes when he’s out and you have to hush him down.

[quote=“sandman”]
Me, on other hand, just sees a fat wife who’s about to be slashed open. Is this normal? I’m supposed to be ecstatic, after all – amn’t I? I don’t. I feel resentment along with the excitement. This is a feeling I didn’t expect and I don’t like it. [/quote]

Buyers remorse. Again, complex feelings are normal, I had them with the first one too. The second one was “yeah, great another one”, and little Mr. he was “Oh no, there goes my sleep”. The next one will be - oh, well “you sleep with mummy, and I pack her and you off to another bedroom”. The thoughts you are describing are completely normal, and they tell you that you are scared and a bit resentful, and also very nervous about what will happen and what to do next. Again, very normal.

Now, there I can’t help you. OK so far in your marriage, you have been in the center of it, and you have been the center of your missus attention. That will change. Oh boy. You will be demoted from master of the universe to nappy-changer, house cleaner and bottle warmer. That’s your role.

If you do a lot of things you do with your wife, IE hiking, music, and whatever, then forget bringing her along… for a couple of years.

Depending on how she copes with motherhood, you may at times be able to sneak out, but I would not count on anything until I have sene how things progress. You are expected to be at hand when she needs anything etc. Tough luck. When it comes to what your wife wants you to do for her and what that means for your freedom, expect the planets to re-align in a rather meaningful way.

Some times the mother will be so busy mothering that you will hardly be noticed. At those instances you may slink out. (I started camping and himing again when little He was 4 months, as my missus would spend some weekends at the inlaws). Note that you may lose freedom the first year, but your wife will have nothing at all - she will be a 24/7 mother machine for several months, and only after a good year will that really start to lighten up.

Taking off to Vietnam is not cool. It is OK to think about it. All right when you stand with the little thing in your arms an ephitany will occur. Maybe that is. Then again it did not for me. When my big girk was born, all of a sudden i had this little ugly thing (newborns are ugly) in my hands and everybody telling me that i was a father. It was a great moment, but not one where I felt that I bonded for life. As time progressed, I did the diaper changes and well, liked the little bugger more and more, especially as she started to smile to me, play a bit etc. Over days weeks or months a very strong bond will build, and when he starts to be of the age where he will do things with you, you will feel the bond very strong. I am currently trying to teach little He to kick a soccer ball, it’s a bit big for him, but playing with him is just great.

I did not have bonding issues with number 2 and number 3, as I knew what to expect and was not worried one bit.

It will come, easy now on yourself. Been there done that and I was 23 the first time. Almost a child myself.

Good luck, you will love it. Take my word for it. Once you get used to it fatherhood grows on you. I take my girls camping and hiking alone, and we all love it. We talk a lot, argue at times, and they are there and in the moment they aren’t you miss them like crazy. Parenthood.

42

Congrats Hobbes.

And adding to Omni - the first months may be a bit rough, however it gets better fast. Not to worry, you get used to it.

And to Sandy. Do nice things. If your missus is sleep deprived, and doesn’t seem to be able to open her eyes, but the little bugger in the pram, arm yourself with diapers and wet tissues, and take him for a 1-2 hr stroll. That makes your missus happier.

43

I remember.

And why not? It’s true.

Thanks Holg. Thanks everybody. Your comments have made me feel like less of a freak. I’m a lot less agitated about things.

44

It’s all going to wind up in temp. She’ll be reading it and muttering to herself, “Off topic. Dammit!”

45

I made a video for my daughter in case something happens to me. I show her how to shave.

46

I’ve heard of this “modern parenting” stuff, and I largely approve, I suppose. I do hope you at least wore a tube sock or something.

47

Dear Sandy:

kidshealth.org/parent/positive/f … ather.html

Interesting to know that one out of 10 new fathers end up with depressions.

Don’t listen to the ones who call your emotions not normal.

Oh and, the second and third time around it’s all a fair bit different, as you know what to expect. That said after 2 girls getting a boy was something new - and I discovered that some things were different. That said, only little anexity, as I was overall prepared, having been there before.

I was downright scared the first time.

48

The first time I was mortally afraid, (I was 25 at the time). If felt I wasn’t going to be able to provide materially. What was good enough for just my wife and I, no longer felt sufficient. I also felt the weight of several generations of poor marriages and wondered if mine was strong enough to handle an addition. Last, I wondered how my carefree life had just vanished, (worse, I felt guilty about having such feelings). I had no idea how i was going to be a father.

The day your child is born is the scariest day of your life because your life as you know it is gone forever, never to return. But, then they grow up into people you enjoy talking to.

By the time the child actually arrives, you feel relieved somehow. The waiting is over and you just get on with it. You get surprised by how well you do and how easily things come.

When no. 2 came (13months later) it was a bit of a surprise. We felt ready, but we didn’t count on the fact the effort wasn’t incremental - it was a step function. Now that the kids are older, we’re quite happy to have them this close.

Don’t let kids get in the way of living life. With a bit of prudence, you can do many things you always did before. You’ll find that the earlier you start, the more the child will think things are just naturally that way and adapt. This holds true be it going to nice restaurants, surfing at the beach or camping. Some how children who are afraid to go to the second floor toilet at night are all over the campsite in the dark. Feel free to push back on the Taiwanese tendency to over-protect. As time has gone on, all of my sisters-in-law have come to see things with a similar view as we do.

Anyway, good luck! It’s a trip for sure. It will give your life direction, clarity and sense of doing something worthwhile like little else. Remember - it’s great fun to twist their little minds by explaining when they are four that the empire in Star Wars is bad because they’ve co-opted the means of production of the Republic.

49

Countdown to birth:
8 months - @#$$R^^&*(+.
7 months - got horribly drunk, shared the news with a friend, then immediately called up all my family.
6-2 months - gradual acceptance. Heavily into finding out all about pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding (I hope you’ve read those books!), as well as choosing a doctor/hospital who would let me into the delivery room and had heard of a “birth plan.”
2 months - as it happens, I took a trip to Vietnam, including rural parts, with a small backpack (though I was meeting up with my dad rather than running away). Despite the gradual acceptance, I was still having the occasional urge to run away. I had an enlightening conversation with a divorced, agnostic, Aussie retiree (male) - urging me to be present at the birth, he said it was the one time in his life when he’d “felt close to God.”
2 weeks - had a regrettable freak-out in Sogo while buying blankets, towels etc…
The night before - horribly drunk (but the doctor had said it was going to be another week).

The birth:
The Aussie was right.

After the birth:
Felt very different about lots of things - in planning ahead, it suddenly stopped being about me, me, me. And I’d never before thought of going to work as something you do to get a bit of rest.

Now:
Zero regrets. Everything else is secondary. I look after myself better because she’s here: I wouldn’t have thought an hour sitting at the table peeling, chopping and eating fruit could be so enjoyable. Being a parent brings back a lot of memories of my own childhood and has shown me how much my parents did for me. I see beauty in that cyclicality. There’s much more than pongy nappies and neighbours calling the police because she’s been crying non-stop for three hours.

You:
So when your teenage son goes talks about “my old man”, in your case it will be true. I found myself on the throne of fatherhood relatively late myself - I knew two of my great grandparents; my chances of seeing grandchildren into there teens are slim. But that’s where you are. Knowing that, you just have to give your son the best start in life you can. The rest will be up to him. Blink twice and you’re going to hear him boasting to his mates “My dad plays the saxophone” to be met with a chorus of “coool!”

My fingers are still crossed.

50

Do you remember when irishstu started a very similar thread, but it turned out he’d only brushed a girl’s hand on the MRT?

51

I thought it was after he saw a photo of Joanna Lumley in the TV Times.

52

Yes! He was looking at that when he accidentally brushed the other woman, and - I remember now - he also started a thread about the guilt he was dealing with because of his playboy lifestyle …

53

Holy cow, six pages? I don’t have time right now to read all the encouraging words (will some other time) but wanted to give you my heartfelt congratulations!! For what it’s worth, from what I’ve seen of you (your posts, of course) here at F, I’ve always thought you’d make an awesome dad. :wink:

Don’t worry too much about not bonding yet with the baby, it’s normal for dads, and honestly, it even happens with moms sometimes. Now if you’d asked me this 17 years ago I would have said, “How can you say that?! Babies are a blessing!! yadda yadda yadda” but being a parent has given me a new kind of compassion and I would not judge any parent for feeling less than ecstatic about the arrival of a baby because he/she WILL disrupt your life (but for the better, really!)

Someone posted that you should be there at the birth–yes! Be there to hold your wife’s hand and to greet your little one!!!

I think you’ll find, as other posters have said, that once that little one arrives, you will be so caught up in the wonder of his/her life, the miracle of those little fingers and toes and all the itty bits that fit and work together so Beautifully, you’ll know you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Be a support to your wife both physically and emotionally–her hormones will be all wacky, she’ll be feeling less than beautiful and will need lots of reassurance that she’s a good mom. Take advantage of this great support system of fathers (and mothers) here at Forumosa. Take any offers of help that you get :laughing: because you will be getting less sleep.

As for the temptation to run away to Vietnam, I have had moments myself when I’ve just wanted to run away. Four pregnancies and births were easy for me compared with the pressure of raising four loving, kind, gentle, sensitive and responsible human beings, all of whom are (just like me) works in progress. That may not be true for everyone but it certainly is for me, and for many of my friends. And we’re not lazy, selfish mothers either. I think in our case it is just that we spend so much time taking care of others and there’s just so little left (energy, resources, etc) for taking care of ourselves. One last bit of encouragement–when you settle into your new routine with a newborn, make time to nurture your relationship with your wife. Some say the best thing a man can do for his child is to love his/her mother.

54

I don’t mind taking her out for a pint of cider and plate of chips if you’re too busy, sandman!

55

[quote=“Stray Dog”]I don’t mind taking her out for a pint of cider and plate of chips if you’re too busy, sandman![/quote] She won’t be making that mistake again. It’s really not much fun sitting there hungry while watching you scoffing greasy food and belching. You’re supposed to buy food for your date, too – that’s how it works, see?

56

Well the odd thing is that I managed to miss this too, but wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment, and I’ve even met the man! Indeed the Sandcouple are well worth replicating, so it’s good news all round.

As for the concerns expressed at the outset, I’m well familiar with them, and indeed I have often thought too many blokes pretending to be feminists in their voracious hunt for skirt have tended to blur the reality of baby making for the average bloke. The harsh reality is that it is frickin’ hard work. A wee little leechy enters your life and drains sleep, love patience and tolerance, and leaves you with little scope for sex, slacking and mental space. It is a massive conjob, the rewards for which, for men, often don’t manifest until much later when the little pre-human begins to shape something akin to personality. When it can finally interact. it’s fine for mumsy, tied up as she is in an endless and sleepless blur of clutching, unclutching, fluffing and feeding the damned thing, but the trade for dad is rough.

The best sign of all that this is all going to work out merrily - bearing in mind happiness for dad arrives around the time the kid can kick a soccer ball in a straight line - is that you’ve grasped a sense of what’s in store at the outset.

All the very best!

HG

57

Snap :discodance:

58

Some of you disappointed dads might want to know about Nebraska’s new law.

Nebraska’s new “safe-haven” law allowing parents to abandon unwanted children at hospitals with no questions asked is unique in a significant way: It goes beyond babies and potentially permits the abandonment of anyone under 19.

This kind of takes some of the worry out of parenthood, doesn’t it?

59

Nice posts, Highwave and Braxtonhicks!

I’ll add to the voices saying that the whole impending parenthood funkathon thing sounds firmly within the bounds of normality. Not that I’d know personally, but that’s going by what other people have told me about their experiences.

60

[quote=“zender”]Some of you disappointed dads might want to know about Nebraska’s new law.

Nebraska’s new “safe-haven” law allowing parents to abandon unwanted children at hospitals with no questions asked is unique in a significant way: It goes beyond babies and potentially permits the abandonment of anyone under 19.

This kind of takes some of the worry out of parenthood, doesn’t it?[/quote]
Damn! That IS good news. I was planning on military academy, but that’s expensive, and they won’t take the kid until he’s like, 5 years old or something!!! :loco: