It was dark. I picked the wrong place to ___

I could write a damn book on all the wrong places I have chosen to sleep (take a dump, etc…) when it was dark and I didn’t know where I was. Since these are some of my best stories, I want to hear yours.

Belize. The brush was so dense I couldn’t find a place to put up a tent. I finally found a spot (in the dark), threw up the tent and went to sleep. A few hours later the peccaries came rushing by my tent in such a great number that they were bumping me and their tusks tore holes along the sides. I really had no idea wtf. Come morning I see the state of my tent and realize I had put it up in the middle of a well-worn path. That is why it was the only spot not covered in underbrush. Luckily I fared better than my tent.

6 Likes

I once fell asleep on my bed. It was really weird waking up. I wasn’t on the sofa, in the car or on the floor. I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven.

6 Likes

I got bad news for you, sunshine.
That weren’t your bed.

I had to fucking burn the mattress. :rage:

3 Likes

Grew up on a farm surrounded by big sky and no trees and almost no bodies of water.

When I was nineteen me and a couple friends took a road trip to Washington, DC. The day before we arrived we stole some big ass tobacco leaves right off the plants in rural North Carolina, left them to dry out in the back seat. Just after dusk we made it to Cape Hatteras.

We drank two or three bottles of mateus on the beach and two six packs of Mickey’s Big Mouth that we’d picked up in Tennessee, smoked a bunch of weed. We had the beach all to ourselves; there was nobody around for what seemed like miles.

Pitched a tent way up on the beach and nearly drowned when high tide came in the middle of the night. I mean, we musta been 50 yards from the surf when we passed out. Turns out the Atlantic is indifferent to clod hoppers.

8 Likes

do you know how to roll your own cigars?

Nope. I remember that tobacco leaves smell like the rankest weed you can imagine right off the stalk. The smell is terrific when they’re dried out, though.

Put up a tent on a slope once, had to figure out the best way on how to. Uphill? Downhill? Sideways?

Out in the sticks in Indonesia.
Got up in the night to take a leak. The outhouse was down a small path that I navigated by the light of a dodgy flashlight that wouldn’t stay lit.
The last few meters were covered in near pitch black.
I found the door and could just make out the hole in the floor and the concrete water cistern.
I set the flashlight down on the edge of the cistern, then tried not to pee all over my feet while aiming at that dark hole.
Suddenly, mid-stream, my flashlight came to life…
The floor and walls of the outhouse were carpeted in huge red cockroaches. Then the light shut off, returning me to darkness with all those little fuckers.
I finished, took a step back and slid on a roach while trying to make a hasty escape.

10 Likes

I was living in a basement suite, working shifts at a brewery, so had taped up my window so my room was dark all the time. I had picked up a girl at a party, taken her home, slipped off her dress in my pitch-dark room and smoothly swung her down on the bed- only to be stick my hand (and her back) in a squirming sticky mess, accompanied by an unholy yowling and her screaming “Get it off me-it’s alive!”
Got the lights on and discovered that my roommate’s cat, who often slept on my unmade bed, decided it was the perfect place to have kittens. She had just had them, and not yet cleaned up the afterbirth. To add insult to injury when I returned from driving a very angry girl home, my roommate told me it was bad for the kittens psychologically to be moved so soon after being born, so I ended up sleeping on the couch.

4 Likes

Happened to a friend of mine- him and his girlfriend had just moved out to Vancouver, and decided it would be romantic to spend their first night on the beach. His ending of the story-“I was from Winnipeg-who knew about tides?”

Exactly. Tides? I had heard of the idea but who knew that the everyday life of every human that lives on the coast revolves around the tide? We were such n00bs.

lol- probably not at the time!

A buddy of mine (really, not me) had been maneuvering for weeks to get a chance alone with this girl who was sort of the girlfriend of another friend of ours, but was also sort of known to not take the whole fidelity issue too seriously.
Because of the logistics, most of the normal solutions were unusable.
So one autumn night they were driving back from the bar and he finally said screw it and pulled off the road past a stand of trees and into an empty field (or so he thought), anyways, down went the Jimmy’s back seat, off came the duds and etc.
As they were relaxing and having a smoke and a beer after, in the quiet moonlight, the entire world suddenly erupted.
The ground started shaking
They were engulfed in a blinding white light
There was a deafening cacophony of whirring and rattling.
She starts screaming, he’s paralysed.
Naturally, they had parked in a remote field of canola that was being night harvested and there was a humungous combine bearing down on them.

Still buck fuckin naked, he leaps into the front seat and fires the truck up and floors it, trying to get away. Of course, it was an open field, so the way was bumpy at anything more than a crawl.
He said he’d never forget (nor would we after he told the story) the image of jamming through the canola, bouncing up and down and praying he didn’t bust an axle, while the back of his truck was a festival of flying clothes, beer cans, and a naked redhead.

He got away, for what it was worth.
I don’t think they had much to do with each other after that.

5 Likes

We always laughed when flatlanders foolishly got their 4x4s stuck out on the beaches when the tide “unexpectedly” came in.
Not much you can do but wait for the tide to go out before trying to rescue it…

My story, is my friend’s story: it was dark, and she walked into the bushes at the side of a quiet road to pee, and squatted in stinging nettles. Ouch!!!

Damn dude, for a moment I thought that story was going to be good! :flying_saucer:

1 Like

Invite them to this restaurant out east. :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like