Doing the email rounds, but for those who haven’t seen them:
[quote]Best jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe
The dodo died.
Then Dodi died and Di died and Dando died…
Dido must be sh*tting herself.>
My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All
right, but we’re not going to get much done.”
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite
flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Sh*t, I wasn’t listening …
Self-raising?”
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm bears.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our family holidays in Customs.
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself
that they’re enjoying it as well.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”.
The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go
join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a
plumber”.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud “I’ve
already got one!”
It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not
very good at it.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign:
“This door is alarmed.” I said to myself: “How do you think I feel?”
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