Keelung Horrors Update

As my first week in Taiwan is drawing to a close, I can’t help but think I’ve made a terrible mistake.

For one thing, Gram Schools are awful. The staff has done nothing but pander to my every whim since I’ve been here; helping me to find an apartment, helping me to get a cell phone, helping me to eat, drink, and live comfortably. The polite little children are driving me insane with their laughter and poor English.

Keelung is precisely as everyone has said: an armpit. The lush green hills surrounding the city are enough to make me quite unsettled. The city itself is wretched in any number of different ways. To begin with, the people are patently patronizing with their friendliness. If one more Chinese fellow comes up to me to try and steal a free English lesson with his “small talk,” I’ll scream. Furthermore, there is no end to the amount of shopping and eating to be done, all of which is quite cheap. The shoddy goods peddled from the street vendors seem far too fresh to be believed, and I can’t help but think that they are doused with loads of preservatives.

Furthermore, there is very little to do in the city. I have been forced to spend my time bowling, playing video games and pachinko, hanging out with my new workmates, drinking a fair amount of their terribly overpriced beer, making new friends, trying to learn Chinese, going to new restaurants, exploring the harbor, going to the movies; essentially just walking the streets in a haze of boredom and spite.

Today it is raining for the first time since I’ve been here. Not only is the wetness an inconvenience, but it is something which I simply cannot stomach; the entire city has that fresh stench of vegetation and mud. I long for the smell of pollution which seemed so readily available in Taipei.

I now realize that all of you were right. I bow to your overwhelming intelligence and openness, and I ask for your prayers for a quick end to this misery.


Stars in his eyes, cotton wool between his ears… Ahhhh, sweet bird of youth.
Little does he know. Ha Haaaaa, he’s been here less than a week and already he’s done everything Keelung has to offer.

Geez. You’ve been here only a week and you’re already talking like you’ve been here for years! I thought the small talk stuff was cute at first, only after a year or so did it start to bug me.

But, to tell you the truth, the only relief you can get from life in Taiwan is to take a vacation to Thailand every year. Just come to Thailand and chilllllllll…

I think what you are experiencing is know as “culture shock.” You’ve been here a week, try to relax. The more you complain the worse your mood will get and more complaining you will do. It’s a vicious cycle lad. Relax. And know that your situation is not unique. You are not alone! If you need a break already jump on the bullet train going for Haullien or Taidong. It may refresh you!

Umm… Frizz,

Don’t waste your kind words on StLouTom… he’s being sarcastic and trying to provoke.

And StLouTom,

It was funny, until you got just unnecessarily nasty towards the end.

Jody, you’re quite right. I actually dwelled on the punchline for quite a while, and decided that it needed a little more spunk than a simple “duh.” Were I to do it all over again, I might have used a “NOT” or, perhaps, a “”.

And while my giddiness is certainly a bit premature, I can’t fathom what I’d expect from a city in the east other than precisely everything that Keelung has to offer. One would have to be an extremely un-amusable person to be bored here. Heck! I found a game of Chinese Chess today while shopping for q-tips!

Could you be more annoying? Sarcasm is the highest form of wit, except when wielded ineptly by people like yourself.

Enjoy life down there, because you’ve convinced yourself that there is nothing better beyond those lush green mountains. Life for you is, after all, a self fulfilling prophesy.

Many people must feel so terrible about giving you a bum steer, huh? How will they ever be able to live with the consequences of their actions, I wonder?

Hi hi… meant to add my two cents earlier.

My experience with Keelung was not so bad. My father’s family is rooted there (big time)so I have visited the place throughout the years.

Yes, it’s pretty wet, and the air is rather nasty at times, and the people aren’t as ‘sophisticated’ (shame on me for generalizing) as you would find in the Big City (Taipei), but that is the beauty of Keelung, like other alternative places outside of Taipei. It’s unique, and it has a culture and lifestyle of its own.

I don’t think any of us have chosen to move to Taiwan (Taipei, Keelung, etc.) because of its stellar reputation as a “beautiful, livable” locale. And like any place else we find ourselves, I think it really is up to your own attitude as to whether or not you will enjoy yourself there. There are things to appreciate about Keelung if you are open to finding them.

One of the things that my grandparents did when they were alive was to go up to the nearby mountain (sorry, don’t know the name) at the break of dawn and climb the very long stairs for fresh air and exercise. I would go with… and it was a most interesting experience to see all the people up there at that hour. People medidating, doing tai-chi, kids playing, etc.

There are parks and places to skate (okay so I’m totally reminiscing here) and play tennis and badminton, plenty of things to do if you are an outdoorsy type of person It’s also a weird ride on a scooter up and down that mountain if you are into pushing your scooter to the limit (okay, slight sarcasm there…)

I kind of like Keelung, and personally don’t think it’s as bad as it’s been described. But good luck to you! Hope you can find a happy medium during your time there!

Don’t mean to be a pedant, Non teacher, but the expression is “sarcasm is the LOWEST form of wit.” Inept though StLouTom’s use of the medium undoubtedly is, you can nevertheless see how low it is.
I’d love to get into a battle of wits with him, but I hesitate to do battle with StLouTom, as he’s so obviously totally unarmed.

i want to tell ms. fluffy lovely to stay off the crack…

…but alas, i am finding myself afraid that i may be falling in love with her…

fie! my heart is a mad beast! it pounds to its own senseless rhythms!

and forlorn!

she is in thailand and i, in taipei. she is rated 5 stars and i, only 3.

we are star cross’d lovers to be sure.

woe is myself.

My Fellow Non-Country Men and Women,

As we all know that misery, despite its rosy colored buds, will soon be nipping at the heals of the gentleman from St Louis, let us then, in the spirit of acquired wisdom, allow him, for a time, to wallow in his joy. For we also know that there is certainly a finite number of times that KTV’s are enjoyable. And also are we aware that, all too often, an employer’s kindess will be deducted exponentially from our mental health and peace of mind.

Unfortunately, our endless doomsday rhetoric and naysaying is only prolonging the inevitable, strengthening the gentleman’s need to be prove us wrong. (it ain’t just a river in Egypt, Tom) He’ll figure it out and buy us all beers in a year or so.

As for myself, I have chosen the path most heavily trodden. In fact, travelled by every other sorry sack who has ever set foot on Isla Formosa, and that, my friends, has made all the difference.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Tom.

It tolls for thee. . . .TT

i feel as if ive stumbled into james joyces head all of a sudden

This topic has been transferred to this forum: Living in Taiwan.

How are you doing in Jilong Tom?

I’m not going to criticize your choice, but since you gave the rest of the oriented community some good laughs and ruffeles quite a few feathers, I feel you owe us a sequel.

Yeah - gee whiz, Tom - we’re waiting!

hey kids, sorry for the lapse, but i’ve been damned busy being a rockstar and maintaining my reputation of keelung beer drinking champion for which i have a two foot trophy.

anywho, keelung is bloody brilliant and you all were wrong and dumb. i would elaborate, but i needn’t do so. it’s just a big, happy, non-religious, non-oppressive-like-taipei kinda place. the river stinks a bit, but it’s lovely lovely lovely.

gram is like most bushibans seem to be, kinda surreal and curious.

hardly matters though. im going back home to enlist. damned human condition.




Is it Keelung, Taiwan that you’re living in?

Why are you so pretentious? Is it some kind of insecurity self-defensive action? Wierd.

eat a butt, butt-eater.

So how about an update? If you’re still around, how’s Jilong now? :whistle: