If you don’t know about Jack Handey, he was a writer and co-producer of SNL in the 90’s when most of their material sucked. But sometimes between sketches they would have a little quote thing from him called ‘Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey’ Heres a whole page of quotes: http://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm
Some of my favorites:
[i]“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”
“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”
“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”[/i]
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
“Everyone knows cats are afraid of water, but what they don’t realize is that water is afraid of cats. They drink it after all.”
“I was told not to carve my name in trees because, ‘imagine how you would feel if a tree carved it’s name in you.’ But I happen to know trees don’t have names.”
“When I was a child my mother asked me, ‘If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?’ At the time I said no, but now I know about parachutes. Bad form mom, bad form.”
“The other day I saw an old woman slip and fall. My first instinct was to laugh. But, if I were an ant, and she fell on me, I guess it wouldn’t be so funny now would it?”