Marriage difficulties (maybe end) advice

Thanks for your comments, I think this gave me enough self-realization to come back to my wife and force a clear discussion.

We need to settle our path forward, whatever that path is.

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I’ve been in a similar situation. Communication and kindness is key. We worked it out in the end.

Maybe buy her a nice gift too.

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You’re joking, right?

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No. Why would you think that?

Regardless of what happens they have history and a child. Anything that can lower tensions and produce a better outcome is better all round.

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Just because they have history and a child doesn’t mean that the OP needs to buy his wife a gift.

In a relationship, gifts are given for two reasons: to show love and appreciation, and to apologize for a mistake.

The OP’s wife has been rejecting him and denying him the intimacy a healthy marriage requires, all the while leeching off him financially and emotionally abusing him with threats of divorce, so he has no reason to show love and appreciation. And the OP hasn’t made a mistake that requires an apology in the form of a gift.

Giving a gift under these circumstances is just more sacrifice on the part of the OP for nothing in return. If anything, it’s the OP who deserves a gift. See Kayne West’s verse in the classic 2Chainz song, Birthday Song.

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Looking to Kayne West for wisdom. That’s a hard no from me.

He has a lot to gain. Ever heard the quote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. I’ve seen first-had what an angry ex can do, and it never ends when there’s kids involved. My brother’s kid committed suicide exactly because of a messy divorce, he nearly did too.

Keeping the peace, and showing genuineness and kindness in negotiations is the wise path, even if OP gets his pride trodden on. I would do it in a second for my kids.

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I have. It’s one of the favorites of men who convince themselves that they need to give in to women who treat them like :poop:

OP has very little to gain by continuing to be taken advantage of by an emotionally abusive wife. The idea that buying this kind of woman a gift is going to prevent her from trying to pull shenanigans if given the opportunity is misguided. In reality, giving a gift to a person who treats you like shit sends the message to them that you’re weak and can easily be dominated.

Unlike many of the previous similar posters here who can be held hostage by their Taiwanese wives, OP holds most of the cards. He’s the one who generates income. He has a work visa and is able to maintain his residency here. Without her dependent visa, the Chinese wife probably can’t.

OP can be civil without allowing himself to be stepped on. Once he decides what he wants for himself and his daughter, he should pursue it with unrelenting effort regardless of what his wife thinks. She’s an adult. She can protect her own interests.

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OP I am sorry to read about your situation.
This proves that marriage is not a sustainable relationship.
I just broke up with my girlfriend after not seeing her in 2
years thanks to long distance relationship and the COVID-19
border closures. But at the age of 44 I would rather be free
and do what I want than to be tied down in an unsustainable
relationship.

As RBE said, do not buy a gift. Awful idea and will only send the wrong signal.

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If they annually exchange gifts in this season, I don’t think so.

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At this time, just have a mature and honest talk, try to identify what bother her and share what bothers you, try to understand how she is feeling and share how you feel, even if she does not want to hear about it.

Be strong but not rude, and don’t show despair. Some people only realize what they had when they lose it. Not saying is yours or her case. I would not buy any gift just to be able to have this conversation, this conversation goes beyond and above that. There are 3 people live involved, and you and your wife need to talk and end if that is the case in the most friendly way possible.

An honest talk is what you need, it will heal a bit your pain.

Like in my case, the love just ended, and we both realized after an honest talk that we were living like friends and didn’t make any sense keep trying.

Best of luck!

In my first class in personality psychology, the professor asked the question: Is there really such a thing as personality? We treat people differently under different situations, if there is personality, shouldn’t we be more consistent?

Well this is just an interesting thing to think about. But I do think that it’s a misbelief that a person shouldn’t change at all due to their personality. We are not that dumb kids who shove crayons in their nostril anymore, we’ve experienced things, and this builds up our characteristics. There’s no bounbt your wife changed. But there is no reason to assume the previous her is the real her and there is any effort you could put into to get her back. There’s no back, only forward. You can’t rewind time. That being said, it’s not like you can’t get in good terms with her, or create a future together. I wouldn’t recommend that but I’m not the type of person to hide an option.

I would suggest stop thinking that the past is the only truth and move forward. Whatever you decide to do, it should be based on this realization.

And I know I’ve said it before, but you should go to a therapist. For yourself, for your daughter, and for the tiniest chance of showing your wife an example that going to therapy is a good thing.

There’s a lot of reasons why we do what we do. And it’s Impossible to write everything on the forum. Going to therapy could help sort things out. The true feelings to your wife. The cause of your dedication to your wife. The burden to live on for your daughter. Things you could never say to others would be kept secret during therapy. If you were to think long term, taking care of yourself is essential, mentally or physically.

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Thanks for all your support, I think on my side at least, just writing about it was a part of the healing process. I think I mustered enough courage to face whatever will come my way if we can bridge the gaps fix it then great. If not, we don’t have to be strangers either way.

The hardest is clearly to come, but I think I cleared my head about it now.

Therapy would be good, but my Chinese is only basic, and frankly, I don’t think I would be able to explain 10% of it in the lingo… as to find any therapist with decent enough English without also requiring to empty your wallet and raid a bank is (I’ve been told) difficult at best.

If I find such a person though (therapist I mean), I will give it a go (any suggestion would be appreciated, at least onto where to look for such therapist. Requirements: speaks English and understands it close to native level, being in Taipei, being professional).

As for the posts who claim my wife was abusing me, I don’t think it was true. She also sacrificed on her end (at least she feels that way), after all, the full story is never a one-sided thing. I don’t think she deserves any of this either way, and I still think it was my duty to support my wife both financially and emotionally. Maybe that’s just me…

Either way, at this point it doesn’t matter anymore, we are where we are, we need to grow into the situation and find a path forward, including for her life, being separated or not.

Thanks again for your words, those helped me.

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I know there some English speaking therapists in Taipei but I’m not sure about the rate. The most economic way is to enroll in a college program and use their service. Therapists there are usually familiar with foreigners. Or I know some countries provide online consult, they might not understand the cultural context as much as local therapist, but they might understand your culture more.

You’re a thoughtful and kind person and you’ve dedicated so much to your family. I now things go well for you no matter how it turns out.

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I’m not a customer,but I heard good things about betterhelp. Take a look, if it’s something you can work with: https://www.betterhelp.com/start/

I wish you strength and endurance on your way to come. If you want to let off some steam or just talk about what’s on your mind, we’re here.

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This.
Whatever you decide to do, always keep that in mind.

Have you heard about BetterHelp?

The cost of counseling through BetterHelp ranges from $60 to $80 per week (billed every 4 weeks) and it is based on your location, preferences, and therapist availability.

It’s worth the shot!

ETA: I just noticed that @FenjaJie already recommended it. Glad to see I’m not the first who thought about them.

thanks everybody for your support here. After some difficulties I think we have a good shot at making it work, it will take effort on both of us, but I want to give it a go.

Thanks again.

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