Thanks for your comments, I think this gave me enough self-realization to come back to my wife and force a clear discussion.
We need to settle our path forward, whatever that path is.
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Iāve been in a similar situation. Communication and kindness is key. We worked it out in the end.
Maybe buy her a nice gift too.
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Youāre joking, right?
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No. Why would you think that?
Regardless of what happens they have history and a child. Anything that can lower tensions and produce a better outcome is better all round.
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Just because they have history and a child doesnāt mean that the OP needs to buy his wife a gift.
In a relationship, gifts are given for two reasons: to show love and appreciation, and to apologize for a mistake.
The OPās wife has been rejecting him and denying him the intimacy a healthy marriage requires, all the while leeching off him financially and emotionally abusing him with threats of divorce, so he has no reason to show love and appreciation. And the OP hasnāt made a mistake that requires an apology in the form of a gift.
Giving a gift under these circumstances is just more sacrifice on the part of the OP for nothing in return. If anything, itās the OP who deserves a gift. See Kayne Westās verse in the classic 2Chainz song, Birthday Song.
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Looking to Kayne West for wisdom. Thatās a hard no from me.
He has a lot to gain. Ever heard the quote āHell hath no fury like a woman scornedā. Iāve seen first-had what an angry ex can do, and it never ends when thereās kids involved. My brotherās kid committed suicide exactly because of a messy divorce, he nearly did too.
Keeping the peace, and showing genuineness and kindness in negotiations is the wise path, even if OP gets his pride trodden on. I would do it in a second for my kids.
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I have. Itās one of the favorites of men who convince themselves that they need to give in to women who treat them like 
OP has very little to gain by continuing to be taken advantage of by an emotionally abusive wife. The idea that buying this kind of woman a gift is going to prevent her from trying to pull shenanigans if given the opportunity is misguided. In reality, giving a gift to a person who treats you like shit sends the message to them that youāre weak and can easily be dominated.
Unlike many of the previous similar posters here who can be held hostage by their Taiwanese wives, OP holds most of the cards. Heās the one who generates income. He has a work visa and is able to maintain his residency here. Without her dependent visa, the Chinese wife probably canāt.
OP can be civil without allowing himself to be stepped on. Once he decides what he wants for himself and his daughter, he should pursue it with unrelenting effort regardless of what his wife thinks. Sheās an adult. She can protect her own interests.
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OP I am sorry to read about your situation.
This proves that marriage is not a sustainable relationship.
I just broke up with my girlfriend after not seeing her in 2
years thanks to long distance relationship and the COVID-19
border closures. But at the age of 44 I would rather be free
and do what I want than to be tied down in an unsustainable
relationship.
As RBE said, do not buy a gift. Awful idea and will only send the wrong signal.
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If they annually exchange gifts in this season, I donāt think so.
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At this time, just have a mature and honest talk, try to identify what bother her and share what bothers you, try to understand how she is feeling and share how you feel, even if she does not want to hear about it.
Be strong but not rude, and donāt show despair. Some people only realize what they had when they lose it. Not saying is yours or her case. I would not buy any gift just to be able to have this conversation, this conversation goes beyond and above that. There are 3 people live involved, and you and your wife need to talk and end if that is the case in the most friendly way possible.
An honest talk is what you need, it will heal a bit your pain.
Like in my case, the love just ended, and we both realized after an honest talk that we were living like friends and didnāt make any sense keep trying.
Best of luck!
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In my first class in personality psychology, the professor asked the question: Is there really such a thing as personality? We treat people differently under different situations, if there is personality, shouldnāt we be more consistent?
Well this is just an interesting thing to think about. But I do think that itās a misbelief that a person shouldnāt change at all due to their personality. We are not that dumb kids who shove crayons in their nostril anymore, weāve experienced things, and this builds up our characteristics. Thereās no bounbt your wife changed. But there is no reason to assume the previous her is the real her and there is any effort you could put into to get her back. Thereās no back, only forward. You canāt rewind time. That being said, itās not like you canāt get in good terms with her, or create a future together. I wouldnāt recommend that but Iām not the type of person to hide an option.
I would suggest stop thinking that the past is the only truth and move forward. Whatever you decide to do, it should be based on this realization.
And I know Iāve said it before, but you should go to a therapist. For yourself, for your daughter, and for the tiniest chance of showing your wife an example that going to therapy is a good thing.
Thereās a lot of reasons why we do what we do. And itās Impossible to write everything on the forum. Going to therapy could help sort things out. The true feelings to your wife. The cause of your dedication to your wife. The burden to live on for your daughter. Things you could never say to others would be kept secret during therapy. If you were to think long term, taking care of yourself is essential, mentally or physically.
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Thanks for all your support, I think on my side at least, just writing about it was a part of the healing process. I think I mustered enough courage to face whatever will come my way if we can bridge the gaps fix it then great. If not, we donāt have to be strangers either way.
The hardest is clearly to come, but I think I cleared my head about it now.
Therapy would be good, but my Chinese is only basic, and frankly, I donāt think I would be able to explain 10% of it in the lingoā¦ as to find any therapist with decent enough English without also requiring to empty your wallet and raid a bank is (Iāve been told) difficult at best.
If I find such a person though (therapist I mean), I will give it a go (any suggestion would be appreciated, at least onto where to look for such therapist. Requirements: speaks English and understands it close to native level, being in Taipei, being professional).
As for the posts who claim my wife was abusing me, I donāt think it was true. She also sacrificed on her end (at least she feels that way), after all, the full story is never a one-sided thing. I donāt think she deserves any of this either way, and I still think it was my duty to support my wife both financially and emotionally. Maybe thatās just meā¦
Either way, at this point it doesnāt matter anymore, we are where we are, we need to grow into the situation and find a path forward, including for her life, being separated or not.
Thanks again for your words, those helped me.
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I know there some English speaking therapists in Taipei but Iām not sure about the rate. The most economic way is to enroll in a college program and use their service. Therapists there are usually familiar with foreigners. Or I know some countries provide online consult, they might not understand the cultural context as much as local therapist, but they might understand your culture more.
Youāre a thoughtful and kind person and youāve dedicated so much to your family. I now things go well for you no matter how it turns out.
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Iām not a customer,but I heard good things about betterhelp. Take a look, if itās something you can work with: https://www.betterhelp.com/start/
I wish you strength and endurance on your way to come. If you want to let off some steam or just talk about whatās on your mind, weāre here.
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This.
Whatever you decide to do, always keep that in mind.
Have you heard about BetterHelp?
https://www.betterhelp.com/
The cost of counseling through BetterHelp ranges from $60 to $80 per week (billed every 4 weeks) and it is based on your location, preferences, and therapist availability.
Itās worth the shot!
ETA: I just noticed that @FenjaJie already recommended it. Glad to see Iām not the first who thought about them.
thanks everybody for your support here. After some difficulties I think we have a good shot at making it work, it will take effort on both of us, but I want to give it a go.
Thanks again.
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I hope your situation improved.
Care to give us an update?
I feel for you , and I hope things resolve in a good way for all.
Relationships with a significant other is often a source for deep content/discontent, happiness/unhappiness to say the least. It is challenging at times and impossible at other times.
Seek counseling if that is possible? A good marriage counselor can be valuable.
When stressed by a partner there is often seemingly no light at the end of a tunnel. Especially hard when there are kids involved.
Its not an easy struggle for anyone. but you have to hang in there, both for yourself and your child. Not all marriages are worth keeping and people grow apart. Often not that they really grow apart, but more that they are showing their true colors.
Most marriages have some sort of dissatisfaction scale and very few are totally super all the time.
Need to work through it . It will be worth it once you are into the sunshine again. Love yourself, love your child and sometimes a wife needs to become just a friend.
My first wife said that marriage is just a piece of paper and that was what it meant to her, not to me, but I got over it.
my second marriage is much more amiable, we dont get at each other all the time. Its far from perfect but its at least mostly working.
So hang in there, be strong be brave and dont forget to love yourself and your child ā¦and you can love your wife by letting her go if she wants to go.
Sometimes, sad as it is, people need to go their separate ways for the health of all.
If that happens, donāt worry in time you will get over it and realize it was better to live separate lives. I had a hard time with the experience of my first wife for a few years but came to realizeā¦whew whata mess that was and iām glad im OUT !!!
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I had a relationship like that and thereās nothing like the clarity of mind that comes from looking back at it in the rear view mirror .
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