Marriage difficulties (maybe end) advice

Life Dating & Relationships
1

I am 40yo+ caucasian, been married to a Chinese woman for more than 15years (met her in China, then lived in Europe with her, before going around in all Asia, and finally here), we have a kid now 9 years old.

Our relation wasn’t the easiest of them all, but my wife meant everything to me, I loved her more than anything there were, then we had a kid. After that point, our relation started to go south bit by bit, she would show signs of depression sometimes, but would never want to talk about it or have it checked. Our “physical” interactions became less, then for some reason, she started rejecting me, I felt concerned, but because I really wanted to make it work, I tried everything I could… for years.

I have dedicated all my life to my family, working as hard as I could to provide them everything they have today. My wife didn’t really have a need to work except at some time when she “wanted” but didn’t really “have to”. I was ok with all that. But, slowly our relation was eroding… and I personally felt worse and worse being rejected, even losing confidence in myself.

At some points, she would go into a crisis, then threaten to divorce, to which I had to cower down, wait for her to calm down, and try to get us together. This happened many times over the last 7 years. I tried talking, I tried bringing her to marriage counseling, but she would never accept. I started to think Europe was the problem, and so we moved to Asia, but that did not help much, she started to treat me more like a contagious disease than a husband, I felt mortified, I couldn’t help, I even started to lose the will to live.

Then, life took a different turn, I had to focus 200% on my work to ensure stability for our life, it took me several years of 7/7 24/24 hard work to pass those difficult times. And then, I fell. In order to try to alleviate my pain of being constantly rejected, I decided to pay for the service… I am not proud of it, but I thought, maybe it would alleviate the pain… it didn’t. I tried again, and it made it even worse.

Inside, I did not know what to do, multiple times I would stare at that balcony wondering if I should just jump, I felt desperate, couldn’t help my wife feeling better, couldn’t even handle myself. What kept me in was my kid, it was all I had. I was deeply in love with somebody who would reject me, and now I had failed.

After some time, my wife started to have strong suspicions (for entirely wrong reasons actually), I denied as I did not want to hurt her more. In my view, I didn’t cheat, there were no feelings, no attachments, just a transaction, yeah sure there was money lost, but clearly not much either way.

Then after a year of suspicion, my wife broke down and seeing that what was killing her was the fact she knew (or believed she did) but I couldn’t acknowledge it, plus the fact she now had come to push for divorce again and again (always under the emotion, never under rationale thinking), I decided to own it and told her what happened. I tried to explain, she wouldn’t listen, she would shut down.

Again, feeling desperate, I would have accepted anything, I was ready to end my life after that if it would fix my mistake (I almost did). Yet again, my kid saved me, and I resolved to live for my kid’s sake.

Years of dedication, I’ve only ever lived for them, all for failing to make the person I loved the happiest. We gave it some time, and no decision is taken. I have a work visa here, and she is on a dependent visa. She wants to live in Taiwan, if we divorce, she can’t. I don’t know what to do, I still love her, but I think that maybe I am the reason for her despair.

I don’t know if there is any way to save our marriage, provided she does not want anything to do with counseling, she is still living under the same roof, we still talk, we “act” in front of our kid, I “act” in front of her to keep my composure. I don’t want her any harm in any way, I want to reboot our marriage if I have a shot at it, more than anything, I am crushed. Without my salary, she has no way to live, if she lives alone, I don’t know what she would do to live. I transferred all our saving to her (after all, I worked all life for her, I always considered what I created to be for her and our family).

I thought of living separated, but not signing any divorce paper till she gets the APRC in 3+ years, but I am not even sure how that would work. I am understanding we still need to live under the same address at least.

Recently, she’s been influenced by her friends divorcing, or some others being separated from their boyfriend and all sort of stupid shit around. I am also wondering if she hasn’t found somebody else, she always hides her cell phone anytime I would come close to (not that I care looking anyway). When I asked her (after I admitted my fault), she said she never did find somebody, but “that she easily could have” (emotion speaking maybe), true or not… who knows.

Divorcing in Taiwan seems like the only way forward, even though this is likely the last thing I would have expected to happen to us. On the other hand, I understand now we would need to be 2 to jump-start our marriage, I can’t do it alone.

I just don’t know what to do…

2

Before I even contemplate anything concerning your marriage, I want to address the larger issue. You cannot commit suicide. You have a 9-year old child who is your responsibility. I don’t know how good of a parent your wife or you are, but I can guarantee you that you ending your life will negatively affect your child, perhaps robbing him/her of the ability to attain his/her dreams. With respect to your child, your feelings of despair or depression are secondary to his/her well being. Obviously getting your life or your marriage in order will benefit the child, but even without that your child needs you. Suicide cannot be an option.

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3

I’m not sure why you’re so worried about your wife’s despair or her not getting her APRC, when by your own account she treats you so horribly. Whoever you married, she’s no longer that person. Get a divorce ASAP and fight for custody of your daughter. If you’re contemplating suicide, then things can’t possibly get any worse than they already are. Whatever you do, don’t go that route. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem and it’d destroy your daughter’s life and it’s obvious you love her. But you owe your wife NOTHING.

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4

You are a human being. Human beings need intimacy, both emotional and physical. It sounds like your wife denied you that intimacy. That’s not your fault. At all.

You clearly care for your wife, but hopefully you can accept that it’s not your job to care for her.

If I was in your shoes, I’d put my child first, myself second and my wife a very distant third. As @DrewC said, you owe your wife nothing.

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Thanks for your support. I wouldn’t say my wife treats me horribly in any way, she can be a loving mother at some time, and we still had some good moments. Intimacy was scarce though, and yes that affected me maybe more than her.

I feel that she went onto some depression but I was unable to find a way out.

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Yeah, I realized that too. Kid needs their parents, at the very least alive. Even though I have been contemplating this for some time, I think I moved away from those thoughts. Whatever happen, kids have to come first.

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7

40+ is still very young.

You’ve been an adult for like 20 or so.

If all goes well, you’ve probably got another 40 years on this planet. Meaning, the majority of your life is ahead of you.

Alternatives are always so hard to envision when your life has been dominated by the same person for the last 15 years.

Practically speaking, it doesn’t take much to complete change your life. A plane ticket , a signature etc. of course, emotionally it’s huge.

in those moments of despair, just remind yourself to try those alternatives before doing anything to endanger your life. Literally, just escape, start life anew and then deal with the repercussions from afar when you are living a different day to day existence.

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I appreciate the sentiment that the OP’s life is still largely in front of him, which is true, but the implication that abandoning his child is an option is similarly bad to the idea of him committing suicide. When you have a child, that is your #1 job, full stop.

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9

Well, abandoning my child? how on earth could I even think about that? my child is my life, nothing can matter more than this.

I wish to find a solution where our family can go on, not disintegrate it…

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10

Are you suggesting that if you wife was depressed, it was your job to solve it?

If so, please recognize this isn’t true. Your wife had/has an obligation to be open and honest about what she’s experiencing, and to make an effort to take care of herself for the health of her marriage.

Relationships are a two-way street, not a World’s Strongest Man competition in which you are supposed to carry all of your partner’s baggage because they’re incapable and unwilling to make an effort.

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I would suggest you getting the therapy with or without your wife. Interesting how you wrote the story like everything’s about the misses. She’s depressed. What about you? How’s you family functioned till now? You’ve acted in front of your child, but how good a performer are you?

I would take the kid with me and have a family consult if I were you.
You need a place to channel your emotion.
And you didn’t have one so far.
With the pressure building inside, you’re destined to explode at some point.
And that won’t be any good for your family.

GO TO THE THERAPIST

And you shall figure the rest out from there.

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12

Unlike others, I think your right to allow your wife to first get her APRC. Like you said, if you divorce before she gets her APRC, she can’t live in Taiwan. Do you really want your daughter to grow up in Taiwan whilst her mom is in China, only being able to see her a few times a year? Regardless of what you think of your wife, your daughter needs a mom, she’s only nine years old.

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13

The OP’s daughter needs a healthy, happy father too and she’s not going to get that as long as her father is in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage.

By the OP’s account, his wife has denied him the intimacy reasonably needed for a healthy marriage, taken advantage of him financially, and repeatedly threatened to divorce him.

The OP is a man, not a saint. It’s not his job to sacrifice his entire life so that his wife doesn’t have to take responsibility for hers. Let her figure out her residency situation on her own.

Frankly, if OP’s description of his wife’s behavior is accurate, I’d suggest that there might be benefits to his daughter being around her mother just a few times a year.

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14

This has destroyed his happiness and his confidence.
He needs to walk away from this empty shell and retain happiness. Refocus his attention to healthier things and new relationships .

But allowing the (ex) wife time to get the APRC might be reasonable. It up to him.

Nevertheless his current path is a dead end he must screw up the courage to end it before it ends him.

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15

Yes, it’s up to him. But my guess is that any competent mental health professional would advise the OP to think long and hard before maintaining a broken marriage for another “3+” years so that his wife could extract a benefit from it.

What does the OP get in return? More misery?

The process of healing and moving on really can’t begin until there’s a divorce.

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16

As others pointed out, the first thing is: commit suicide is not a solution, you have a kid and you need to look after it.

I’m also divorced, also 40 years old, it was not easy for me, I have no kids, and my situation was nothing even close with what you described. However, we have some similarities, I also worked as hard as I could and put the marriage above anything else including myself. After divorce, I learned, there is a huge world out there and it is not that scary to face it alone.

Put yourself above of anything else, take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of your kid in the best way possible. Sometimes, it is better to let go what cannot be fixed than keep trying and killing yourself with frustration.

Our life is too short to waste it with things that does not make any good to us anymore.

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17

Yeah scrap that idea it’s not good.
Divorce is what he needs.

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:clap:

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  1. Don’t commit suicide.
  2. Get that divorce done. (I personally wouldn’t grant her the spec)
  3. Take some you-time and talk with a professional counselor on a regular basis
  4. Try to get custody by all means.
  5. Staying in Taiwan or move back to Europe; I’d probably do the latter.
  6. There’s almost never the need to burn all bridges. Maybe after a few years of divorce, things will be different and you can have a neutral to friendly contact with the mother.
20

Well said :clap:

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