My SO’s daughter will be married later this year. Her future husband is GREAT. I and SO have never met his parents. Next Sunday, I have been asked to attend a lunch at an upscale resteraunt so we can all meet. I will have to cancel several classes to attend but, of course, will do so. My question is this:
Should I, as the “pop” pay for the meal? My SO says no way. Yet, in American culture, it is a “fathers” duty to make this convenient for the daughter. From the menu, I expect it will be about 1,000 NT per plate and about 12 people will be there. This is more than both my daughter and her husband make in a week. It would hurt my budget but is "do-able. Yet, my SO says this may offend the daughter and future husband. I don’t want either to lose “face” but I also would like to uphold my cultural values. My first response was to agree to Taiwan culture and just show up and eat the food. However, I won’t enjoy even a bite because I will know that it is food and drink that neither her nor him can really afford.
Suggestions?
EDIT: How about a “red envelope” for part of i?
You will be giving away the daughter right?? As in you are there as the girl’s father or at least father figure…do what your heart tells you to do.
Congrats!!!
My heart says to pay for all. So do my cultural values. However, I am leaning to the red envelope to meet midway. If my SO finds out, she will be pissed off but . . . .
Maybe she won’t…it’s her daughter you are being nice to. No matter what you decide, carry cash (or credit card) and insist on paying, reach for your wallet and all 
, may be they will let you pick up the Tab. Even m cultural values say that the father pays and then the groom’s father, invites the party in a few weeks or ‘some other time’…why would the Taiwanese be against it?
I don’t understand.
Myself, I have a bit of trouble separating cultural values from personal values at times…but you say that yours are aligned such that you want to pay for the meal. In light of this, I would suggest that you offer to pay for the whole thing, but not be insistent and have the “red envelope” at the ready as a compromise.
Red Envelope for 12 grand and it’s same-same, right?
He that did the invite and selected the restaurant should be expected to pay.
Save your red envelop for the wedding.
[quote=“Enigma”]My SO’s daughter will be married later this year. Her future husband is GREAT. I and SO have never met his parents. Next Sunday, I have been asked to attend a lunch at an upscale resteraunt so we can all meet. I will have to cancel several classes to attend but, of course, will do so. My question is this:
Should I, as the “pop” pay for the meal? My SO says no way. Yet, in American culture, it is a “fathers” duty to make this convenient for the daughter. From the menu, I expect it will be about 1,000 NT per plate and about 12 people will be there. This is more than both my daughter and her husband make in a week. It would hurt my budget but is "do-able. Yet, my SO says this may offend the daughter and future husband. I don’t want either to lose “face” but I also would like to uphold my cultural values. My first response was to agree to Taiwan culture and just show up and eat the food. However, I won’t enjoy even a bite because I will know that it is food and drink that neither her nor him can really afford.
Suggestions?
EDIT: How about a “red envelope” for part of i?[/quote]
In Taiwanese culture, the male side pays for everything. Also the male side of the family suppose to pay you a fee for the marriage if you are from the female side. If you live in Taipei, the enlightened part of Taiwan, you suppose to give back the fee after the wedding. If you are from anywhere else, you just take it. But you should definitely expect a payment and give it back. Taiwanese culture actually makes a lot of sense if you understand the logic behind it. American culture on the other hand doesn’t make any sense.
But don’t worry. In Taiwan the male side of the family will actually make lots of money from the wedding. If they don’t, they didn’t invite enough people or have really cheap friends. All the friends and and relatives who attend the wedding will give a gift with a red envelope. They will get the money back.
Garbage! Do you even live here? And he’s not talking about a wedding, either. Simply a “meet the parents” dinner.
Let them pay and shove a hungbao into your stepdaughter’s purse at some point.
Garbage! Do you even live here? [/quote]
I say pay for it, thus sending a loud blast across the bows of any opposition that you will be the one picking up the aged care when the young uns finally make good on their life plans.
HG
Unless, of course, you understand the logic behind it.
Not that it’s any of my business, but is there any reason why your wife is against you paying for the meal?
Garbage! Do you even live here? And he’s not talking about a wedding, either. Simply a “meet the parents” dinner.[/quote]
I’m sure the preacher here has officiated at more than enough weddings to know what he’s talking about. I’d trust his input as being right up there with, oh, I don’t know, say…tommy?
Oh, and
Thanks for clearing that up…
They invited you and your SO, so they should pay. But who is ‘they’? Your stepdaughter and her fiance, or the fiance’s parents? Giving the stepdaughter a hongbao sounds like a good compromise.
Anyway, your SO is Taiwanese, so she should know what to do.
Most of time, your step daughter’s bf family will pay the meal. Your SO probably feel embarrassed or lose face if you guys have to pay since Bf’s family invited you.
You could try to “offer” to pay but normally BF’s family will insist paying. You should let them pay and save the money for her wedding. Even you will get some money from Groom’s family as traditional culture here, Bride’s family is supposed to offer some “嫁妝” for their daughter!
(but no red envelop with money, its silly for 1st meeting)
[quote=“mimicupcake”]Most of time, your step daughter’s bf family will pay the meal. Your SO probably feel embarrassed or lose face if you guys have to pay since Bf’s family invited you.
You could try to “offer” to pay but normally BF’s family will insist paying. You should let them pay and save the money for her wedding. Even you will get some money from Groom’s family as traditional culture here, Bride’s family is supposed to offer some “嫁妝” for their daughter!
(but no red envelop with money, its silly for 1st meeting)[/quote]
I think the logic behind this is: if you can’t pay for a goddamn meal/wedding/cakes, how the f are you going to be able to take care of my daughter and your future children?