Liz, Buzzardo, and other laowai dealing with uncivil/inhospitable inlaws in a CNY visit (or any other time) … play the Western business card. Go for a day. Bring an impressive gift. Then “get back to the office”. Don’t accept second class citizenship. They won’t miss you. You won’t miss them. Your gift speaks for you. The rest of the year.
thats the way to do it. Let the wife or hubby be there the whole time and you can make a guest appearance. Saves everyones sanity 
[quote]My mothers side of the family are Taiwanese speakers and that means NO Mandarin is spoken , even though every one is fluent in Mandarin.
I speak both but I prefer Mandarin, so I speak to them in Mandarin and they speak to me in Taiwanese but I still reply in Mandarin[/quote]
That’s the way it is in my house…but my Taiwanese is a joke and their Mandarin sucks, so it’s even.
My house is also 4 sisters, so it gets pretty rowdy when everyone comes home. (4 sisters, 4 husbands, 5 kids, 2 grandparents and a whole block of relatives.
You learn to live with each other. After 17 years, we all know each other pretty well. For example, I know my MIL will complain if I go off to ChaoChiu for breakfast, and she knows I’ll probably go have it anyways, so she looks the other way. I help around the house with small tasks like pasting-up the chun lian, helping cook the nian gao in the back yard…this gives me the time to go off and escape when I need a break from the insanity.
This year I got the whole family to go camping on the beach and have a great time.
…but, that’s family, right?
Well, it’s important to note that once you marry the daughter, her family becomes family, and grandparents, uncles and aunts to your kids.
Avoiding contact with the outlaws would be a bit tough back home, and it’s hard to expect it to be easier here.
Yea, those pesky mandarines can difficult to peel. 
Bingo. My CNY was much the same as always. Fresh back from the Philippines, it was my fate to spend two bitterly cold nights in Sanchong. My inlaws relatives came by (my father-in-law is the eldest son, so some of the extended family usually comes by) and entered the room without even saying hello to me. They made it about three feet inside the room and then stopped in front of the TV where there was an incredibly boring game of Wii bowling going on. Wordlessly, they waited their turn and then started playing. Other relatives watched, wordlessly, and standing up. They had very little to say to each other, and nothing to say to me. Nobody offered to help mom-in-law in the kitchen, except me. No surprise that I was turned down - I don’t know her kitchen or her methods, but I can’t imagine a family dinner back home that didn’t have all the women pitching in. No drinks were offered to guests, but there was candy and nuts on the coffee table. The food, of which there was plenty, had been cooked earlier in the day and set out on the table. Half an hour before dinner, mom started covering the dishes in plastic and microwaving them. Some dishes were ok, but the veg and seafood dishes just didn’t microwave very well. Crowding around the table, some uncles sat with legs splayed, earning a sharp reprimand from my wife, who reminded them that we all had to fit around the table. They answered in grunts. Food was noisily chewed from open mouths, and ragged bones and slimy shells of shrimp were spat out into little paper boxes made out of cleverly folded pieces of junk mail. I was seated right in front of the tv that was mounted on the wall of the dining room, so faces were constantly turning in my direction whilst hanging on some minor celebrity’s every inane word. Drinks for this once-a-year feast consisted of small portions of Coke Zero served out of a two liter bottle into little paper cups. My father-in-law, knowing that I like Scotch, brought out a bottle of Johnny Walker Gold, but then spent 10 minutes looking for a glass. Eventually one was found, with a cure picture of the Little Mermaid on it. I drank the Scotch straight up. After dinner, more Wii. Everyone watched standing up. Youngest uncle came by to pass along some hongbaos to the kids and “complimented” my daughter, saying it was lucky that she had a Chinese face and a western physique. I asked him why that was lucky, and he quickly backtracked saying it was lucky that she had a western face and a Chinese physique. I smiled sweetly. He ended up getting a lecture from oldest brother on how to manage his business better. He left quickly. Windows were opened before we left, so that Dad could light fireworks from the window. One had a short fuse and blew up just outside the window, deafening all of us. The baby was crying, so we got to go home early (before midnight).
My wife says next year we’re spending the entire holiday on a beach somewhere. [/quote]
You had Wii? Luxury!
Seriously, Vs people sound like cavemen! ![/quote]
Actually they sound like a family without love and just going thru the motions.
Just my 2cts.
[quote=“Liz_Taipei”][quote=“tommy525”]Seems its worse when a foreign lady marries into a Taiwanese family then when a foreign guy marries a Taiwanese girl? Or is it?
Because in Taiwanese society a woman is married OUT of the family. Or thats what its supposed to be.[/quote]
From my observations and conversations with male laowais married to locals, it does sound worse. The fact that you guys’ wife gets the pressure for the baby and knows how to handle it better is probably a big one. That’s the main complaint I have regarding my in-laws, as in Canada parents mind their own business and I don’t appreciate having repeated questions/comments on my pregnancy plans, while local husband is just turning a blind eye to my problem… Anyways, no baby coming anytime soon, so I’m still the one having the final word on that issue!!!
Tash, thanks for the comments!!! I will have to write something about my marriage one day! I’m already laughing about all this, but it sure isn’t pleasant when I’m stuck at the in-laws place for days!
Sandman, I don’t want to be mean, and I acknowledge some parts of my post were mean in a way: cat hair, no heating, etc, that’s the way they live and they are used to it. The food, that’s what they eat and that will kill them earlier than it should, but that’s the way they like it, so fine!
But come on, the burps/farts/disgusting table manners, that’s just rude, in any country and in any culture, period. The yelling in Taiwanese part, well, can’t help it and actually, I imagine what they are talking about it irrelevant anyways. The no drinks offered (let alone water) is also not exactly polite, again, no matter where you are. And the discussions about personal questions although they know it really hurts my feelings, then again, that’s also not very sensitive. Cat piss in the bed, well, I let you elaborate on that one!
Well, owning a perky 36C already, that other pair will have to wait for next lifetime!!! But meanwhile, it makes the hubby so happy to have me there for CNY. I’d appreciate him spending Xmas with me and my family if we’d live back in Canada. It’s not that I hate his parents, it’s just that we see them way too often in my opinion, and that spending the whole 3 days with them is also overkill. The reasonable option would be going there for dinner, then coming back to sleep at home, then go back the next day. But for him, it means a lot to sleep at his parent’s place. That will have to stop though, as it’s really wearing me down. It was the last CNY we were spending like this, you can be sure!!!
But it just points out to a more serious issue: we’ll never fit in each other’s world. Both of us have to do huge sacrifices regarding our families, friends, etc to be together. He’s also an odd ball in my family, although we try our best to make him feel welcome, I’m sure he also had his issues (being a local guy, I’ll never know about them for sure). When I’m with his friends, I really don’t fit in for 1000 reasons, and when he’s with mine, he also must feel weird (although everybody switches to English to include him, something his friends don’t do here, prefering Taiwanese). The thing is we are living here, so all our life is in his turf, and we go back only 2 weeks a year in Canada. I’m trying to convince him to move to a neutral country, where both of us would be foreigners.
So guys, you out there married to a Taiwanese, how do you deal with that overall odity? Does it bother you? Do you think living in a 3rd (neutral) country would help your situation, if that was an issue in the first place? If you tried living back home with the wife, how did she cope with being the foreigner this time around? [/quote][/quote]
I’m not taking sides yet I do have agree with Sandman on this one. It’s one thing to go to CNY celebration, like at Maoman’s, where people are just doing it for the sake of tradition and then to go someone’s house and they are trying something yet you complain about it. It seems like a real double-edge sword for the TW to be married to foreigners.
I get the venting,–lord only knows, as well as long-timers here, I’ve had my moments. But there comes a time when you just have to “get off it”. And what do I mean by that? There is no “correct” way of doing things and the world doesn’t revolve around Western civilization.
Heck for all you know, they could be trying to give you their best, but because of whatever circumstances they offered you what they have. Find the beauty in that. Life’s too short.
Peace
Sound good to me. they also may be impressed with you working so much i.e. $$$$ is coming into your home.
Yea, those pesky mandarines can difficult to peel. [/quote]
Ha. Ha. Girl, you just crack me up.
(How you like my new avitar? Betch ya like it!)
[quote=“tommy525”]Seems its worse when a foreign lady marries into a Taiwanese family then when a foreign guy marries a Taiwanese girl? Or is it?
Because in Taiwanese society a woman is married OUT of the family. Or thats what its supposed to be.[/quote]
I’m married to a Taiwanese guy and spent CNY with the family as well. My MIL is not around (divorced) so maybe that makes it easier but I had a fine time. They are truly my family so I didn’t feel like I was fufilling any obligations by being there but was happy to see them. My kids love playing with their cousins and I got to introduce Ba to his newest grandchild. We spent a day at a farm in Chiayi, ate lots, set off fire works and just hung out.
The hardest part for me was sleeping. My kids usually go to bed at 7:30 but with all the noise in the house our sleep schedules got all screwed up.With five of us stuffed into one room everyone kept waking everyone else up but it was only for four days and now things are back to normal.
[quote=“piwackit”]
our sleep schedules got all screwed up.[/quote]
Mine always get screwed up during CNY. It seems like my biological clock’s natural settings are what they were in university (going to bed 2am-3am, waking up at around 11am-12pm). I revert to these hours during CNY, and then when I startworking again after CNY (normal 9-6 hours), I’m always tired for at least 1-2 days.
Yea, those pesky mandarines can difficult to peel. [/quote]
Ha. Ha. Girl, you just crack me up.
(How you like my new avitar? Betch ya like it!)[/quote]
Naw, Maoman never really did it for me. 
That’s why he’s with V.
Yea, those pesky mandarines can difficult to peel. [/quote]
Ha. Ha. Girl, you just crack me up.
(How you like my new avitar? Betch ya like it!)[/quote]
Naw, Maoman never really did it for me. That’s why he’s with V. [/quote]
Oh. Well, lucky you (!)–I mean V!
Same here. I bailed for the first time this year. No real explanations or apologies {i am learning fast}. Given that my CNY experiences have been much the same as Maoman’s wittily written commentary earlier in the thread: [Forumosa - Taiwan's largest and most active Taiwan-oriented global online community in English … 623#825623](New Year with wife's relatives - #17 by maoman
Except he was lucky, he left before midnight.
Over the years my exposure to the CNY with the in-laws has dramtically shrunk in terms of time, though not of impact & my own resilient shield. This year, I decided to abstain completely. I thought there would be repurcussions in terms of face, etc. But there was none. The kids made a killing on hon-bau, my wife had a swell time, and the in-laws never really noticed my absence because the other siblings brought all their families. All had a great time, including myself, who was contentedly sitting home quaffing stout, watching every single episode of “Yes, Minster”, and generally just laying about enjoying the silence, the sound.
As an aside, Bon Scott AC/DC is a most fine utensil for blocking out the fireworks, as is old style Burning Spear.
