Oh yes …
24 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN
1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she’s struggling. You take it from her
open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t.
are men’s work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ - Especially policeman but even saying it to
makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, you think I can’t whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else
to catch up with you. God, you’re hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an
burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt”. “Nah”.
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your
sprouting from your face. “Big night?” “Grr, what does it look like!”
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you
share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it
“but someone’s got to keep the line drawn in the sand”.
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch
Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE… and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean
you’re popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest
the pub doesn’t know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying “are you a leg or breast man” to the
blokes and “do you want stuffing” to the women. Congratulations, you
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little changing
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.
then, we’ll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then.
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
the world’s best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn’t
a fuss. “Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns”
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that’s
i’m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh* t.