Our manly attitudes and why we do feel so hard

Discussion Open Forum
1

Oh yes …

24 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN

1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she’s struggling. You take it from her
hands,
open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t.
Jars
are men’s work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ - Especially policeman but even saying it to
kids
makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here
love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, you think I can’t whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -
as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish -
noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards

the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else
struggles
to catch up with you. God, you’re hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron
burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt”. “Nah”.

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,

sprouting from your face. “Big night?” “Grr, what does it look like!”

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you
to
share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it
says,
“but someone’s got to keep the line drawn in the sand”.

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch
that,
Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE… and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean
you’re popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest
of
the pub doesn’t know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying “are you a leg or breast man” to the
blokes and “do you want stuffing” to the women. Congratulations, you
are now

your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little changing
rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.
Until
then, we’ll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight

to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then.
Seven. See

ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you

the world’s best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the

fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there
in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn’t
make

a fuss. “Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns”

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad,

bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that’s
right,
i’m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh* t.

2

Maybe thats ok for you Frenchies, but us Aussies include the likes of shark wrestling and opeing a beer with our eye socket.

The Australian female population qualify for half of those listed!

3

fuck that, you wimps:
-Jogging home from your own vasectomy. :slight_smile:

-Telling your wife/gf “All I want for Christmas is tools and guns”.

-having very dangerous toys:

[quote=“John Henry www.thebugshop”]

A Pneumatic Potato Gun Page

[color=red]YOU are responsible for your own actions[/color]
You were even before you read this. This gun is extremely DANGEROUS, it is capable of severe injury and easily death. Don’t even think about holding me responsible if you make this gun and cause damage, injury or death.
thebugshop.org/othersites/ai … _home.html [/quote]

4

bollocksssss

In Norfolk we often cut off our arms with chainsaws and then walk to the nearest hsopital with them (about ten miles away) and say “stitch it on m8” while still drinking a bitter with the other hand.

We also like sticking our heads down badger holes and pulling out the badger with our teeth. :notworthy:

As for birds well you aint seen the ones in Norfolk :raspberry:

5

Tools of the Trade- A professional’s description

* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
* MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; it works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
* PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
* VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
* HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
* EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
* TWEEZERS: A tool used for removing wood splinters.
* PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
* SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
* E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
* TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
* TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
* CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
* BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
* AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
* TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. It also creates scar tissue on the user's forehead. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
* PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt, it can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
* AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

100 Reasons why it is great to be a guy:

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Nite Football.
  6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.
  11. When channel-surfing, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
  12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
  16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere go.
  17. You understand why “Stripes” is funny.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment.”
  26. You can pick up a ball before it stops rolling.
  27. You never have to clean the toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
  37. If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
  38. You can write your name in the snow.
  39. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  40. Chocolate is just another snack.
  41. You can be president.
  42. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  43. Flowers fix everything.
  44. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  45. You never have to worry about other peoples’ feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me”
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time.
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
  69. Same work…more pay.
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
  73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries. At least in theory.
  75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
  77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
  79. ESPN Sports Center.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
  86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “F*#k it!”
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
  99. Baywatch
  100. There’s always a game on somewhere.
6

ROFLMAO

:bravo: :bravo: :bravo: :bravo: