I made my contribution today to the medical journals of Taiwan. I have now officially pooped in a cup and am now an honorary member of the “I pooped in a cup in Taiwan” elite foreigners club.
My contribution to my fellow foreigners is a “how to guide” for the ever infamous Poop Test. If you are seeking a poop test for a work visa, permanent residency, or JFRV this guide is for you my friends. Read on…
The Poop Test
Not quite as humiliating as one might think
Please keep in mind that I am a guy. Being such, this “how to guide” gives detailed information for those also of the male gender. Sorry females, there may be some additional tests / steps that you will have to undergo; my apologies for not being able to provide further information to you.
What you will need:
[b]- 2 Passport size photos
- 2 completed health examination applications (visit the BOCA site to download the app: boca.gov.tw/mp.asp)
- A copy of your passport
- 800 NT
- Poop, so don’t poop before you go to the hospital.[/b]
Here is how it is done:
WanFang Hospital – Taipei City
November 20, 2006
Check in at the Health Examination room.
(Located on the 2nd floor. Take the escalator, make two immediate rights and it is right there. Take a number and have a seat.)
When your number is called, give the nurse your applications, 2 photos, and the copy of your passport. She will ask you if it is for a work visa or marriage visa. Answer accordingly.
She will give you a packet of papers. Bring them down stairs to the cashier. Look for the sign that says (in English) “Cashier”. Pay 800 NT (accurate amount as of 11/20/2006)
She will stamp some papers and give you a receipt. Keep that receipt!
Go back upstairs to the Health Check room and go directly to the testing room behind the reception nurses. No need to take a number.
Test 1: Height Check and Weight Check
Take off your shoes and stand on the measuring device. Stand tall and stand proud! It will beep when you are done. Wait for the nurse to tell you when you are finished.
Test 2: Blood Pressure
Have a seat and give her your left arm. Don’t forget to smile.
Test 3: Eye check
She will ask if you are wearing contacts or not. Answer accordingly. Look into the machine; give thumbs up, down or to the right or left according to the number she calls out.
Test 4: Blood Sample
I hate needles. Look away if you are squeamish.
Test 5: Lung X-Ray
Prepare to be zapped with radiation! Go down stairs and hang 2 lefts. Follow the signs to “Radiation”. Go to the reception desk and hand the nurse your packet of papers. She will give you a little paper with two numbers on it: A room number and your waiting number. Look at your ticket number. It should have a room number, 1, 2, or 3.
Go to the changing rooms located in the hall to the right of the Radiation check in desk. Take off your shirt and any metal you are wearing. Put on one of the green gowns provided. Put your clothes in one of the hand held shopping baskets and bring it with you. Go to your appointed radiation room. Stand on the painted feet and hug the metal plate. Take a deep breath and then they zap you.
Go get dressed and put your gown in the used gown bin. Go back up to where you got the blood test. The nurse will give you a new slip of paper. Take it to your next test.
Test 6: Leprosy Test.
Follow the signs on the 2nd floor to Dermatology. Find the door that has the electronic number sign above it. Give the nurse your paper packet. Have a seat and wait. When your name is called you will go into a private room with a doctor. Strip down to your skivvies. He will check your skin for Leprosy. I had a nice chat with my appointed doc. Turns out he went to med school in the US. Put your clothes back on and head back to where your blood test was taken.
You will now see another doctor.
Test 7: Health Quiz and check up.
The nurse will take your temperature via your ear. You will say ahhh, get a cold stethoscope on your back and chest: 4 deep breaths and you are done. Answer the doctor’s questions. He speaks perfect English.
When done he will give you a VERY important paper. This is your pick up appointment slip. The date on it is the date your test results will be ready. If you want to contest the date and need it sooner, talk to the doctor or one of the nurses. Show them your actual visa and when it expires.
Test 8: The Poop Test!
Yeah!!! You made it through being stuck with needles, shot with radiation, probed, prodded, poked, and stared at. Now you get to poop in a cup!
The nurse will try to explain to you what you need to do. It is fairly simple. Try not to laugh or laugh, its up to you. I cracked a smile when she was trying so patiently to explain to me how to do it. We both chuckled.
Poop test supplies:
[b]- A plastic cup
- A little glass jar labeled with your name. Unscrew the lid and you will find an attached plastic shovel thingy with teeth. It resembles a miniature spork.
- A little plastic tube with clear liquid. This is your enema. If you have a hard time pooping, stick this plastic tube up your rear and squeeze its contents up your but. You will soon feel the urge to poop.[/b]
A nurse will escort you the gentleman’s room. There are 3 options for toilets. 2 are the squatters and one is a western toilet. Don’t try the squatter unless you are up for a little adventure. The western toilet is easier to handle for this test.
Poop in the cup, just a little, no need to fill it. Squeeze off your load if you have to or finish in the toilet after you have deposited some of your valuables into the cup.
Carefully unscrew the jar and take out the spork shovel tool. Scoop a peanut sized portion of your poop and put it carefully into the jar. Don’t be messy or you will be very embarrassed returning the jar covered in poop to the cute nurse because you were sloppy. If you are having trouble pooping, use the enema (see above).
When you have managed your sample into the jar, secure the jar. Throw any excess poop in your cup into the toilet. Dispose of the poop cup in the waste basket next to the toilet. Flush and don’t forget to zip up. Wash those hands!
When done, go see the nurse outside. She will hold open a plastic bag and you drop the bottle into it. Then you are done.
See, that wasn’t so bad now, was it? Happy pooping! 
