Psycho Xiaojies

Life Dating & Relationships
1

Original Title: Revenge of the Psycho Xiaojie

Ever notice how many Taiwanese women seek revenge on ex-lovers? You dump a chick and she stalks you, calls you, makes your life a living hell, gets you fired, destroys your furniture, pretends to committ suicide, goes apeshit.
Why do they do this here? In a western country this is considered insanity and restraining orders can ward off mad women. We’re talking fatal attraction Taiwan style.
It’s not only Taiwanese with foreigners, it’s Taiwanese women doing this to Taiwanese men too, according to some. Even if you’re coupled with a chick, they can’t stand you to be away from them for five minutes. They follow you everywhere and suck the life blood from you.
I had never heard of so many incidents like these happening in my home country. Why is it so common here??? Don’t Taiwanese women know they only make themselves look sad and desperate when they act this way? Don’t they know that the worst way to trap a man is to be devious and manipulating? Why can’t they let go? Why are they always, always, always like this? Why?
When will they grow up and become real women, with real lives, and not be so dependent on a man’s affections to value their self worth?
Yes, some of them may be cute, but they’re evil. Is it worth it? You hear stories, and then it happens to you.
Beware, or they may cut off your foreskin while you sleep.

2

A lot of young girls here are immature, deeply insecure, have never been refused anything and don’t know anything about how to keep a boyfriend when they finally get their hands on one.

Getting dumped by a boyfriend is often seen by local girls as more of a defeat that it would in the west. They therefore try to keep him under control as much as they can - even though they drive their boyfriend crazy in the process.

They will therefore go to great lengths to keep the miserable specimen they have, even if the opposite number has stated that he wants OUT!

Your options are:

  1. Move (or leave the island). :cry:
  2. Try to talk some sense into her.
  3. Ignore her. She might give up in the end :laughing:
  4. Try to get in bed with her best friend/sister :wink: .
  5. Call her parents 3-4 times a day and tell then that you have HIV and have had unprotected sex with their daughter :smiling_imp: . (Just joking.)

That said, not all Taiwanese females are like that. The older more mature ones can be excellent as girlfriends or wives.

3

Oh man, I never thought I’d be one of those poor bastards who is would experience the wrath of the “psycho xiaojie”… Is the psychosis just intimidation or out-and-out revenge?

I recently went separate ways from the xiaojie (sorry to be non-pc & objectify, but it makes the whole ordeal much easier), but every week for the past month has brought a new form of retribution, including her screaming profanities in Chinese, Taiwanese and English at the top of her lungs in and out of my apartment. I had to profusely apologise to my housemates and neighbours. Actually, I’d never realised her vocabulary was so broad… Then there’s the hundreds of phone calls, one after the other, at any time of day or night.
I’ve come home to find photo-albums destroyed, doors broken, my poor motorbike had the pulp beaten out of it… my friends have become her sworn enemies… What a headache.

Generally it’s safer for me to get outa the house than to take the risk of being at home and having her grace our presence. I’m just hoping it’s a passing phase…

Sigh,

The Big Babou.

4

Wow, Big Babou, that’s a nasty situation, hope it works out. It could be worse, mind you, I have heard some horror stories. One bloke a few years ago had posters of his face, “This Foreigner is Evil” (or something akin) posted up all over the Shita area, passports set on fire, etc.

5

When Marie Clare magazine started a Chinese version here, the local publishers wanted to market it to the 20-25 crowd, instead of under 18 girls as in other countries. Why? Because of their lower maturity level.

6

Which is why you’ve been trying to harange me to go drink with you? Poor Babou. Gimme a jab at her! I scare the bejeezus out of Taiwanese women. Ask my friend Peter B.

7

That would explain all of the bejeezuz I see lying around on the street these days. And I thought it meant that we were going to have another big earthquake.

8

Whoever said women here are less mature hit the nail on the head. Western girls typically start dating in their middle teens. Here, half of them wait until they’re through college. Lots of 30-year-old virgins, or even never been kissed.

There’s a lingering social expectation that a women doesn’t lose her virginity until she’s married. Often honored in the breach, obviously, but they like to keep up the appearance. Dating a foreigner is considered prima facia evidence of lost virginity–a ruined reputation. So, shotgun time!

9

on the flip side, a lot of foreign men use the insecurity of the females to their advantage. what with their more developed dating skills and smooth lines, they find it easier to pick up on taiwanese girls than on girls back home. just gotta be really careful with choosing a local girl. i mean, one of the first things i think when i meet a girl is whether they’re likely to go psycho.

though i do feel for the guys who were in caring monogomous relationships and got stalked when it didn’t work out, i don’t have as much pity for the guys who just pick up random girls at clubs and whatnot for a little action before dumping them and then get stalked.

10

As a female voice on this subject, I’d like to add a few things.

Taiwanese men stalk, too.
Straight, gay, whatever.

I never heard of a single woman in the US to behave like this towards a man who broke it off. Not a one. Not even teenage girls. I’m sure there are some (on Jerry Springer, right?), but certainly, they would be considered mad and be forced to receive counselling if it got as out of hand as you see around here.

I suspect that it’s not just about maturity. I suspect it goes somewhere in the realm of ‘face’ and defending face (revenge) is a big thing in this culture, it seems. Self-pity, face, revenge.
Perhaps insanity. Insanity due to the fact that there are so few outlets for people with psychological issues.
Such things aren’t discussed at home, are they? School? No fuckin way…Where can people turn when they feel like they’re losing control? Nowhere.

11

I’m married to a psycho xiaojie. Four years now. I’ve never had a problem as bad as yours but that’s because from the first moment I met her I knew I wanted to marry her and I’ve never wavered in that feeling.

Even that wasn’t enough to eliminate the psycho factor in her though.

I first realized she was a little psycho about our relationship when she started telling me about the dreams she was having night after night where I was running off with another woman or high-tailing it for the U.S. never to be seen again. She’d tell me how in her dreams she was shellacking my ‘girlfriends’ or traipsing all over the U.S. like a refugee searching for me because she loved me so much and couldn’t live without me.

Other times she’d accuse me of looking at some other woman that I hadn’t even noticed. That was a regular thing.

Or if I wanted to go off and do something by myself for a couple of hours like go to the hardware store or go for a bike ride she got angry and acted as if she was sure I was going off with another woman.

This was only about 5% of the time though. The rest of the time we’ve had a wonderful, stable relationship which has given me lots of happiness.

That 5% though could be pretty rough and it was unpredictable. She would have fits of screaming temper that really began to make me wonder if the other 95% was really worth it.

One day though during one of her fits she said something that made a light go on in my head. I had asked her why for the hundredth time she was so frickin’ mad about such a small thing (who knows what it was) and she answered because she was afraid I was going to leave her.

Now there was no apparent connection between what she was mad at me about and that statement so that made me think she had finally let some clue to the real problem slip out.

I told her right then and there, ‘Honey, I’m not going to leave you. I promise I’ll never leave you. Hell, I love you so much I’d even like to have two of you.’

Well that didn’t go over entirely the way I would have liked it to but it seemed to really help for the first time. It was the first thing I’d ever said during one of her psycho tirades that made the least bit of difference.

I began to explore that idea with her and reassure her regularly that I was in it for the long haul and it really seemed to have a thawing effect on the psycho logjam. As we talked and I followed the thread in the things she said to me, I began to make a connection between her anger and a fear of being abandoned – by men. I had known already that when she was a little girl her father had been emotionally very distant with her and her sisters. She had described him as the typical Chinese father. One day when she was about eight, he just stopped coming home altogether and started living with another woman.

She had always told me it didn’t really matter to her anymore but when I made her really begin to talk about it she finally told me one day that because of it she was certain I was going to do the same thing to her one day too and that really scared her.

I looked her in the eyes and took her by the hands and told her I gave her my word I was never going to do that – that I would stay with her forever. I left off the part about wanting two of her that time though. For a moment as I held her hands I could almost see the little eight-year-old girl in her eyes the moment she had realized her dad wasn’t coming home anymore and it really made me feel bad for her.

Since then she’s never said another word about me wanting to go off and do something for a few hours without her. She even encourages me to do it. We haven’t had another one of those psycho arguments. I have to do regular maintenance with her though and repeat what I said to her then but she seems to need to hear it less and less as time goes on.

So why the long-winded speech to a guy who doesn’t have the slightest intention of marrying the psycho xiaojie in his life? Well, my point is is that I think there are a lot of Chinese girls like my wife out there. The men in their lives from their earliest recollection have made them feel emotionally abandoned because of the stoic nature of traditional Chinese fatherhood – not to mention their wandering nature – and now their daughters are left with a deep-seated anxiety about being abandoned by all men and it scares them to death. It’s not for nothing that you hear all those stories about female infanticide in Chinese culture. I believe Chinese women tend to bond with the men in their lives much deeper than Western women too so these two factors can make for an explosive and unexpected mixture for an unsuspecting Western man.

So, if you’re thinking about hooking up with some xiaojie, get to know her a little first and ask a few things about how she started out. Does she have any of this knife-in-the-heart feeling from the past about Chinese men just not caring about their wives and daughters? If she does, then you’ve got an important choice to make, but at least you’ll have some foreknowledge about what you’re getting yourself into.

12

Yup. My husband was a little nuts when we were dating but he’s calmed down a lot. Now I’m the one who’s nuts.

13

Amen! She’s a lucky lady. I wish you all the best.

14

Wow, Guest! You’re a rare breed, aren’t you? You ain’t any old guest, that’s for sure. I personally, found your post very moving. And it made me see my own, and the other replies, as shallow and uncaring.

I don’t think I understand what you mean about Chinese women bonding more with their mates, however. I would refute that wholeheartedly, unless you’re saying that they tend to let their lives revolve totally around their men. Now, I think that custom is a big mistake, and it is known as “codependency”. You always need more people, hobbies, interests, activities, than just your spouse/lover to make you happy in this world. It’s very unhealthy to rely on one person for everything. So, this, perhaps, could be yet another contributing factor to the psychotic episodes that are so prevalent. I mean, a gal with a business or great job, loads of friends to travel and hang out with, and a close knit family (a real close one, not a forced family relationship), may not actually have such insecurities when involved in relationships. I’d be interested to hear some stories on this, actually.

But this also leads me to the idea that many Taiwanese lead extremely sheltered, and empty lives. This could be partly due to the education system, which does not encourage free thinking as it does in western society, or maybe even the rigours of testing, and solemn heirarchies in the work place, which seem to discourage the Chinese from having ‘their own lives’. You’ve driven this subject to a theoretical level, Guest. It’s complex, and very interesting to look at from a socio-cultural perspective.

15

Oh allow me to bring it all back down…

I remember seeing on TV an interview with various members of the Beatles (on different sites- they weren’t together) and they were all asked “Is love really all you need?” George said, “no, but it’s important”.

I am lucky that my wife (perhaps it’s because she’s from the mainland, or perhaps because she’s from Shanghai - I dunno) agrees with me that George is right: It is important, but not so much so that one has to get wrapped up in it to the expense of contentment or happiness. Maybe some Taiwanese girls/women are looking for an ideal of love that either doesn’t exist, or stifles happiness. Maybe there is a reason for that. Anyway, I still remember that interview, and have to confess that a banal perhaps off the cuff remark from a hippy made me totally rethink my philosophy on lurve and happiness.

16

As if George Harrison were just any old “hippy”… :unamused:

But hey, maybe that’s what Taiwan needs: Some sort of youth culture revolution to help them move past the cutesy, clinging, romantic stage these women are in right now. You know! Let them burn their padded bras and let their nipples free! Let them live together with other young people in communal situations and learn to take care of themselves. Let them stand up to their families and rebel against the society.

[color=red]
“Turn on, tune in, drop out!”
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17

There are lots of females here who aren’t the least psycho. I am married to one of them.

18

I can definitely relate to the immature and possessive nature of women in Taiwan. I do think, however, that some cultural awareness is needed here, and in the posts I’ve read so far that is sorely lacking. Western men need to understand that it is the power of their families which has made Taiwanese women so nuts. To begin with they are socially repressed by the education system and their families. It is not until their twenties that they are able to start engaging in the battles that we had with our parents as teenagers. Thus, we are left with immature twenty-somethings. When I dated my wife, who was 22 at the time, I felt as if I’d been tranported back to high-school. It was maddening.

The crazy stalking behaviour is also explainable, though no less troubling, when one is exposed to the family pressures faced by females. In short, there has been no sexual revolution here. The Chinese use of the term girlfriend/boyfriend means you are serious with this person, and are prepared to marry them. Don’t forget there are red envelopes to be negotiated. It is much harder for a girl to attract a suitor after she has been someone’s girlfriend before, as it is assumed they have gone all the way. Thus, when you keep a Chinese girlfriend for a while and then dump her she loses serious face in front of her family, which is more important to her than anything. Thus, she will understandbly go berserk as you have now ruined not only her own personal reputation, but her family’s as well. Thus, you must be careful and, unless youre serious about the girl, never call her your girlfriend. Friend, yes, lover, you can even get away with, but not girlfriend.

19

Very interesting… here we have kids studying so much that they don’t really get to work on their social skills until they’re in college, and in the States, we have kids growing up too fast, giving and getting blowjobs in junior high.

J.

20

Taiwan is not the only country with a strong family ethos, which can often be stifling. The Irish journalist and novellist Joseph O’Connor once noted that Ireland has to be one of the few places on earth where in order to move out of the family home you have to leave the country.

I think as noted previously it is the hideously restricting education system which has caused a lot of this social immaturity. I have heard it said that the same problems were caused in Ireland by strict religious education, and in England by single-sex boarding schools, (and I don’t necessarily agree with that) but in those cases only a proportion of the population would have been affected - in Taiwan it’s everyone.