I’m not looking to devlue or have people devlue personal information. But I’m posting this question to get a real outlook on the situation.
[color=darkred]Have you severed ties with your family?[/color]
Now, I’m at a point in my life where I’m ponding why do people have relationships with parents that haven’t evolved beyond that parent-child stage. Someone wise once told me that if I ever needed answers, look to nature.
Well, let’s look at nature. All animals move on once they have hit their maturation cycle. But humans stay involved with their families. Now, I think and cherish the idea of family, but I also, have come to a point that it should evolve. And if it’s not evolving healthy then one should move on.
I would be interested in hearing from those who have. I’m just looking to hear other people’s experiences minus judgement. I’m looking solely to learn.
I dunno. I can’t see how it could happen without the consent of both sides, though. I’ll always be my parents’ kid in their eyes, I suppose, but it’s been many many years since we had a “parent-child” relationship – not since I was in high school, I don’t suppose.
see that’s what I’m learning/pondering/ etc… (lack of succient word to use ) I looking at the parental relationship from a spiritual point of view. Not a religious one. Parents are great, they provide a lots of good things when you come into adulthood, or parenthood. Yet, when the relationship is at a stalemate, and one party is the only party that is doing the work, how much unconditional love should be given.
Should one place their own path higher than the the relationship?
My father left and came back over 10 years later. I forgave him for it and took him back into my life. And then over time more and more realized that I just don’t like the man. I owe him nothing. Sperm isn’t all that sacred, I don’t think. So I don’t call him. I am polite and friendly when he calls me. I call him on Holidays and what not. I imagine that it would hurt pretty bad if I didn’t. And I don’t want to hurt anyone. But we aren’t “close” and never will be. No matter how hard he tries. Just because he is not a nice person. He treats people badly and judges everyone and I don’t want that in my life.
I can’t imagine severing ties with my mother. She is a pain in the ass, but she tries hard. And she raised us pretty well by herself.
However, my wombmate doesn’t EVER call her… EVER. And I have 5 siblings who I have not heard from in years.
Does that help at all?
The great thing about family is (supposed to be) that you’re stuck with them–you’ve always got someone to give you shelter. The great thing about friends is that, unlike family, you a choice.
[quote]Should one place their own path higher than the the relationship?[/quote]Depends what the relationship throws up in the way of your path, is it a matter of convenience, or toxicity?
[quote=“Jaboney”]The great thing about family is (supposed to be) that you’re stuck with them–you’ve always got someone to give you shelter. The great thing about friends is that, unlike family, you a choice.
[/quote]
If I had a choice, my wombmate, my youngest brother, and my oldest brother would all be quite close with me. I mean, had I met them at a concert or what not. I am sure of it.
My other siblings and I don’t connect on much. But I would die for most of them.
My youngest sister and I connect on nothing. AT ALL. But I would die for her or her family.
I don’t think one should ever evolve past one’s parents. Have you ever read ‘Our Town,’ by Thornton Wilder? Or ‘Death of a salesman?’ The message is clear, life is right there infront of you. There is nothing to evolve past. There is nowhere better to learn about life than where you are right now. Sometimes that thought was all that kept me going on the long arduous weekends at her mothers house. “Remember, Tom, ALL of life is right here infront of you. Try to learn from it.”
What’s not to like about your folks? What’s to change? Listen to someone else drone on about the things their dad does that drives them nuts and find yourself thinking, “That doesn’t sound all that bad. I could put up with that. They should meet MY dad…”
My parents drive me insane. INSANE. But I wouldn’t want to change the nature of our relationship. And I wouldn’t want to sever ties with them. That would be like severing ties with life.
[quote=“Jaboney”]The great thing about family is (supposed to be) that you’re stuck with them–you’ve always got someone to give you shelter. The great thing about friends is that, unlike family, you a choice.
Not all families offer shelter for their kinfolk, i.e. foster homes, etc.
To give just an idea, yes the relationship is full of toxicity as the person is a toxic person. I’ve come honor that choice yet, I do try to look at it now from the aspect of unconditional love.
Look at it from the angle that a relationship with a toxic person is a fruitful one for you. You get to learn about toxic people, and still have a relationship with a family member. Surrounding yourself only with the things you like won’t teach you much about hardship, or the other side of the coin, will it? Better you have that toxic relationship with a family member, than with a peer, colleague, or lover!
OK, lets do this: -
My mum is about as fucked up as they get. She chose to stay in a relationship with a guy who beat her and her kids for 2 years and the repercussions went on way past that. I lost all respect for her during this 2 year period when I was between the ages of 13 and 15. My current favourite story is how she is living in the same house but separate to her estranged husband but recently went away for the weekend with both him, and the guy she left him for (who is now also an ex). I mean the woman leads this bizarre life that I will never condone, I have very little in common with her but I call her every week.
My brother has no contact with her at all. My sister stays in touch through SMS but does not call. So why do I do this? I suspect it is because in the event of major trauma she would be on a plane, and/or offer shelter whilst my father who I “get” and click with would be far less likely to do so.
Anyway you don’t get to pick 'em so deal with them as best you can and be aware that others will judge you on it…which really sucks.
[quote=“Namahottie”]I’m not looking to devlue or have people devlue personal information. But I’m posting this question to get a real outlook on the situation.
[color=darkred]Have you severed ties with your family?[/color]
Now, I’m at a point in my life where I’m ponding why do people have relationships with parents that haven’t evolved beyond that parent-child stage. Someone wise once told me that if I ever needed answers, look to nature.
Well, let’s look at nature. All animals move on once they have hit their maturation cycle. But humans stay involved with their families. Now, I think and cherish the idea of family, but I also, have come to a point that it should evolve. And if it’s not evolving healthy then one should move on.
I would be interested in hearing from those who have. I’m just looking to hear other people’s experiences minus judgement. I’m looking solely to learn.
Thanks
[/quote]
yes children need freedom to make their own decisions. But in chinese society kids are expected to look after their parents. But the parents usually give everything to the kids too. so its a good trade i think.
kids are rarely ostricized by their families in taiwan and are tied to their parents for life usually.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself for the sucky things in my life, I thank the gods for my mother (who is still alive) and my grandmother (who has been dead for 34 years but who still lives in my heart). I don’t believe in hanging on to a person who isn’t on your side just because they are family. On the other hand, I’m a great believer in reaching out to younger nieces, nephews, or neighborhood kids who aren’t getting the attention they need at home. I have love to give- I’m not going to waste it on a-holes that don’t appreciate it, not when there are so many others who are starving for someone to give them a bit of praise and guidance.
[quote=“Namahottie”]
Not all families offer shelter for their kinfolk, i.e. foster homes, etc. [/quote]
Does Kin HAVE to be blood? My family is mostly foster and they ARE my kin.
My baby brother once got suspended from school for hitting a teacher who kept saying I wasn’t his real sister. That teacher was a freak. He sat there and argued with my brother about our relationship.
It gave me a great chance to teach my brother about ignoring ignorance.
Once a few years ago my blood father had an accidental punch in the gut (proverbial punch in the gut) My family was together for the holidays and my ex and I had just broke up. (I had been with him for almost 10 years) when he called me to wish me happy holidays I hung up the phone and started crying. And then I said ‘Daddy’ and ran to daddy because daddy has always made it all better. When I said daddy my birth father thought I was talking to him. I felt awful. I didn’t mean to do that. I wouldn’t have had I been thinking. But times like these make me know more than anything anyone could ever tell me that kinship is not blood.
I met my daddy when I was 12. Anyone who tells me he is not my father is wrong. Anyone who tells me that my brothers and sisters are not my family are wrong.
) I looking at the parental relationship from a spiritual point of view. Not a religious one. Parents are great, they provide a lots of good things when you come into adulthood, or parenthood. Yet, when the relationship is at a stalemate, and one party is the only party that is doing the work, how much unconditional love should be given.