Our girl is extremely bright, lively, playful, talkative, energetic and rambunctious, but she has always been bothered by pushy people (in Taiwan) who coo at her, poke her cheek, pull her hair, say “hao kaii” or however it’s spelled, and otherwise treat her like a monkey in the zoo. In response to such in-her-face pushiness she has long turned her head to the side, pulled her hat down over her eyes, or put her hands over her face. I can’t say I blame her. Mixed kids surely get a lot more of such unwanted attention than other kids.
But it bothers her parents that she often acts the same way with people we have known for years and/or consider our friends: the nice folks where I’ve taken my laundry for years, our long-time corner breakfast laobanniang, the very kind lady downstairs with a painting shop, and friends of mommy and daddy. Heck, even in the song and dance school that she’s attended for many months, she likes singing (just as she does at home), but she usually doesn’t want the teacher (who is very nice, kind and talented) watching her as she sings.
Has anyone else been through this? Is this typical for foreign or mixed-race kids in Taiwan who receive so much attention? Did your kid/s just outgrow it after a while? Any suggestions on how to encourage her not to be so shy among friends and long-time acquaintances?
jdson went through the same type of crap, but I didn’t stand for much of it. I would not allow high schooler girls to take his picture and such things. But he was always standing out, dancing on the strippers stage at southern weddings…you know, normal stuff.
I’d say as long as she is somewhat polite, don’t worry too much about it. If it’s sandman she’s not talking to, could be the glare from his forehead.
jdson went through the same type of crap, but I didn’t stand for much of it. I would not allow high schooler girls to take his picture and such things. But he was always standing out, dancing on the strippers stage at southern weddings…you know, normal stuff.
I’d say as long as she is somewhat polite, don’t worry too much about it. If it’s sandman she’s not talking to, could be the glare from his forehead.[/quote]
Man, I can’t help it if I’m highbrow.
MT, my partner has a beautiful little boy who used to behave in the way you describe. He’s about nine now, and is actually pretty outgoing most of the time. TOO outgoing, if you ask me – little bastard had the cheek to mock my double-point goatee the other day.
Yes, Mother Theresa, we have gone through the same thing. Our daughter is still trying to figure out how to react to the attention - it really makes her squirm sometimes. She has developed a little comfort zone with her friends form school and the neighborhood, and is fine with our close friends now, but it took a while. The only thing that I could think of doing to help her was to wait until after any new enounters with have finished, and congratulate her on handling it so well.
Both of my girls started out shy and then blossomed on their own. With both girls, I still remember friends being surprised that they could speak at all, after many months of playing together. It was different with different people, but even with our playgroup where we saw eachother every week, they would speak to only me and very softly. Sometimes they’d click with another mother and speak to her from the first meeting but that was very special and I could never really predict who they would connect with. We’ve been attending a new church for the last 14 or 15 months and my 3yo barely said a word to anyone for the first 6-8 months but now I can’t get her to stop talking. People thought I kept her at home all day with no playmates her age.
And like Sandman’s nine-year-old friend, sometimes my kids are too outgoing like when we climb into a taxi and they tell the driver what we’ve been doing in Taipei for the last seven years. Whenever my kids haven’t wanted to say hello to someone, I just explain that they’re shy. People usually understand. Funny, they are never shy about saying “xie-xie” to the cab or bus driver.
I’ve always really felt for my foreign friends’ kids who could barely leave the house without having some stranger paw them. They taught their little ones to say “Please don’t” (would that be ‘bu xing’?) and if that didn’t work, to swat their hands away.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. She learns a lot just from you and your wife modeling how to be polite and she’ll start doing it on her own. You can also talk to her a little bit about how sometimes you do things you don’t really want to do just because it makes someone happy. Tell/show her examples of how you do this. “I don’t really like doing the dishes but I love mommy and want to make her happy so I’ll do them anyway.” Another thing I’ve started doing with my little girls (the 5yo is more shy than the 3yo) is tell them when we’re about to meet/see someone and talk about what we’ll do. “When we see so-and-so, let’s be polite and say hello, okay?”
My five year old just started Kindergarten (her first school experience but she’s been in other classroom settings). She is just now learning Mandarin and I know it’s going to be a long school year. She doesn’t like to be different at all, she wants desperately to fit in. If I could do things over again, I would have her learn Mandarin earlier, and helped her to feel more “Taiwanese”. Here I am telling them not to put up with any “waiguoren” crap but looking back I can see how I’ve never really wanted them to get too comfortable here. I guess what I really want is for them to know Who they Are, What they Have, and not care too much about what others think of them.
You mentioned that she enjoys the singing and dancing but doesn’t like it when the teacher watches her. That’s not that uncommon. Some kids don’t like to be touched, even by a familiar person, and will visibly draw back. I have one sensitive 3 yo in my class who likes me very much (I know this because she told me so ) but I know to ask before taking her hand for a dance, or moving in to close. Most kids enjoy hearing their names sung but some don’t. The sensitive teacher will recognize this and respect it. I’m still working on all of this myself…
Thanks for the nice replies everyone. I guess I just wanted reassurance that it’s nothing unusual and everything will be all right, and I got that. If I were 3 years old and everyone was pawing at me, I’d pull my hat over my eyes too and try to escape. I’m sure she’ll do fine. We talk with her about this, and everything else, and I’m sure she fully understands our concerns. . . but still doesn’t want all these people staring at her, talking about her, and poking at her.
Yea, we do the same. Kids are very bright. They understand a lot. It’s just hard following through with actions sometimes, but I’m sure things will gradually improve at least with friends and close acquaintances. As for rude, nosey total strangers – she may continue to hide from them for years, but I guess that’s totally understandable, acceptable, and may only change when we finally leave this island and presumably the level of attention will subside.
Yea, she’s a great teacher. Very gentle lady, with substantial musical training abroad and very good with kids. I only attended the first class – my wife takes her now – but I’m confident the teacher deals very well with shy kids, respecting their privacy and only gently trying to pull them out of it.
my younger daughter is the same way. she just started kindergarten this week, that should help. one interesting thing is that on trips back to the us she always gets a lot more open with adults. funny too, her sister never liked all the insane attention either, yet could be a chatterbox with our adult friends. but at home our younger is much more rambunctious.
my daughter is not yet at that stage… she’s only 1, but you can tell when she gets annoyed at certain people… she doesn’t mind being touched, but some of the older ladies (like ones that sell noodles on the street corner) do it so roughly, she really hates that…
… our thing at the moment… is me… if i go home at lunchtime to see her and the missus, i’m not allowed to go… and it’s not just lunchtime… anytime if i look like i’m leaving, even just to go to the bathroom, she’ll bawl her eyes out…
… she also for some reason now hates going out with her great-grandmother… which she used to love… no idea what’s happened there…
My first son received much the same treatment from a group of neighborhood grannies when he was an infant and then toddling. He didn’t like being touched but his cheeks would get pinched and his hair stroked. No big deal they would think but it never stopped.
To this day dislikes the sound of old womens’ voices speaking Chinese. He becomes very shy, hides his face and refuses to speak if an elderly woman comes near. He’s 8 1/2.
[quote=“x08”]my daughter is not yet at that stage… she’s only 1, but you can tell when she gets annoyed at certain people… she doesn’t mind being touched, but some of the older ladies (like ones that sell noodles on the street corner) do it so roughly, she really hates that…
… our thing at the moment… is me… if i go home at lunchtime to see her and the missus, i’m not allowed to go… and it’s not just lunchtime… anytime if i look like i’m leaving, even just to go to the bathroom, she’ll bawl her eyes out…
… she also for some reason now hates going out with her great-grandmother… which she used to love… no idea what’s happened there…[/quote]
That’s likely just being 1. My nephew was like that for a little while when he was 1. When I would come to babysit, he would start screaming and going to my brother and his wife - not wanting them to go. Thankfully, it was their 2nd child and they knew the routine AND needed the time away twice as much. They sometimes get like that around people they know really well.
Does she calm down once she is with her great-grandmother? My nephew usually calmed down in a couple minutes at the most.
With the old noodle saleswomen, 1 to 2 is also the age of a lot of “stranger anxiety.” When strangers start talking to them, they often get a little scared. Doesn’t happen with every child, but it is very common. And not saying it’s happening here either. But if they touch her roughly, I would be scared too
Just letting you know it sounds normal from what you’re asking.
I guess what I really want is for them to know Who they Are, What they Have, and not care too much about what others think of them.
) but I know to ask before taking her hand for a dance, or moving in to close. Most kids enjoy hearing their names sung but some don’t. The sensitive teacher will recognize this and respect it. I’m still working on all of this myself…