I wonder if there’s someone else that you can talk to who knows whether the situation is as bad as your dad says, someone who can say, “Yes, you’re needed here…come home.” or “No, I think your dad can take care of things, if he’d just get off his lazy butt.”
Maybe I’m wrong, but it kind of sounds like your dad wants you to come back and care for her, not because you’re needed, but so he doesn’t have to. And if that’s the case, or even close, it’s sort of a double-edged sword: by going back home, you’re able to care for your mom, but you’re also enabling your dad to continue being a worthless drunk.
It’s not just an issue of whether you love your mom, but whether you love your dad, too. And whether your dad loves your mom.
[quote=“Tigerman”]Its a tough break… but I’m a firm believer in doing what we can in order to minimize or prevent future regrets.
She’s your mother and he’s your father.
Taiwan isn’t going anywhere. It’ll be here for a long, long time.[/quote]
You’re right. I was just saying (perhaps not very clearly) what I would do if it were my parents. Didn’t mean to lay a guilt trip on him… he asked for advice and I was actually trying to save him from later guilt. But, as you say, everyone’s situation is different.
Mannnn, this is your MAMA we are talking about. She gave birth to you, as well as did other countless things to help you get where you are. Money will NEVER EVER replace the love of a mother, and her gratitude. This is family which should always come first.
You shouldn’t even be here. you should be at home lovin her, cause you don’t know how much time she has, and you wouldn’t want to have to say to yourself, well was paying off that credit card worth the time I could have spent with mom?
If you are worried about your credit, call them, tell them the situation and work out a plan. When you always let them know ahead of time, they generally like to work with you. Best of luck, but go be with mom…
[[quote]quote=“Namahottie”]Mannnn, this is your MAMA we are talking about. She gave birth to you, as well as did other countless things to help you get where you are. Money will NEVER EVER replace the love of a mother, and her gratitude. This is family which should always come first.
You shouldn’t even be here. you should be at home lovin her, cause you don’t know how much time she has, and you wouldn’t want to have to say to yourself, well was paying off that credit card worth the time I could have spent with mom?quote][/quote]
I really hope you personally know the OP Nama, his/her past and relationship with the parents, all the little details, and not just trying to inflict your personal opinion on him/her, otherwise I’d think you were way way out of line…sigh…again
Well, we have very different viewpoints OOC, but that’s cool – every situation is different and who knows what’s best in this one?
But if it were me, I would not be at all happy trying to sleep at night if I had to deal with the idea that “Mom died alone in her own excrement because I refused to be an enabler to my dad, who is a dirty useless drunk.”
If it were me, I think I would be more inclined to tell dear ol’ dad to fuck off out of it and either take care of mum myself or pay someone else to do it.
Some people can say: “He’s her HUSBAND for Christ’s sake! His wife is HIS responsibility.”
From the comfort of my armchair, I say: “I’m her SON for Christ’s sake, and my dad is a useless prick! My mother is MY responsibility.”
Hey, Sandman has a point. By staying here you could afford to help pay for the kind of health care that she needs, if that is what you think would be best.
If that is the point that Sandman was making, if not, well… I don’t speak for Sandman.
Mwalimu, your post brought tears to my eyes. You sound like a really stellar person.
Bassman, you misunderstood my post. Although you do make a valid point, it’s not one I would feel comfortable with, I don’t think. Believe me, as my parents age, this is something I have given a great deal of thought to. Frankly, it absolutely terrifies me that I’m one day going to have to make a similar, possibly life-changing decision as Bababa is struggling with, and this thread is giving me an enormous amount of food for thought.
My ideas are very, very far from being set in stone and I’m accepting all these replies in good faith and with as much humility as I can muster. There are obviously people posting here with REAL experience and I thank them for that.
[quote=“sandman”]Well, we have very different viewpoints OOC, but that’s cool – every situation is different and who knows what’s best in this one?
But if it were me, I would not be at all happy trying to sleep at night if I had to deal with the idea that “Mom died alone in her own excrement because I refused to be an enabler to my dad, who is a dirty useless drunk.”
If it were me, I think I would be more inclined to tell dear ol’ dad to fuck off out of it and either take care of mum myself or pay someone else to do it.
Some people can say: “He’s her HUSBAND for Christ’s sake! His wife is HIS responsibility.”
From the comfort of my armchair, I say: “I’m her SON for Christ’s sake, and my dad is a useless prick! My mother is MY responsibility.”[/quote]
You are right, of course OOC. I’m looking at more of a “worst-case scenario.” I know, too, that my advice comes from opinion and prejudice, but then, so does yours. So does everyone’s here if it comes to it – I don’t think there are many clerics or professional social workers posting here, and this is, after all, where Bababa posted.
And you’re right, too, that she needs to get the whole story, preferably from someone other than dad, before she can make an informed decision. The hospital that treated her, for example. Don’t they have any kind of social services or counselling in the states (I presume its the states) that can give you a balanced picture?
I understand this reluctance on his part. Like many stroke survivors, Mom doesn’t need skilled nursing care; but someone has to be with her all the time. She can’t walk, but can sit up in a wheelchair. She needs help to do anything. One big problem is that she doesn’t seem to realize that she can’t do certain things now, so she’s always trying to get out of her wheelchair, for example, and won’t cooperate.
[quote=“OutofChaos”]
Bigger problems can arise when daughter shows up and Dad realizes that now there’s a lot more time to spend with the bottle, cause Mom is somebody else’s responsibility. [/quote]
This is also something I’m worried about. My father can’t handle looking after her 24 hours a day, but maybe he’s going to expect me to be able to.
[quote=“someone else”]
I wonder if there’s someone else that you can talk to who knows whether the situation is as bad as your dad says, someone who can say, “Yes, you’re needed here…come home.” or “No, I think your dad can take care of things, if he’d just get off his lazy butt.” [/quote]
My sister says that definitely our dad can’t handle it. However, she also said that she wouldn’t give up her job and come home just because Dad asked her to. So I don’t exactly know what she means. Basically, she said that yes, you’re needed here, but don’t come home. It could be she said this just because she is angry with our father, but as others have pointed out, the person suffering the most is our mother.
I have two sisters, both living in the same town as our parents, but they are not helping my dad now – they’re too busy.
[quote=“?”]And whether your dad loves your mom.[/quote]He does, but he’s so upset that it’s making him drink more. I’ve never seen him worse than he was at Christmas.
But, I can’t help but think what good will you be able to do there? I mean, are you going to need a prescription for prozac if you do this? Is this going to ruin what remains of your relationship with your dad/Mom/sisters if you do go back?
Obviously your Mom needs a caregiver, and if I may, my sister in law’s Dad, who has alzheimers (sp) lives with her and my brother. She has a full time caregiver that comes each day, tends to him, takes him out for drives. I know it’s not tha same situation…but…it works for them.
Sending money back, money that you can make here, would that be enough to get someone from social services or a retired nurse to do something similar for Mom?
I can’t help but read into your sisters’ reactions/responses. Why are they too busy to do this? Are they really? There must be a reason.
Maybe you could try sending money back first, have your sisters set something up, someone who can care for Mom…see how it works. This isn’t about love, we all can see how much you do love her (or you wouldn’t make this public…humility is a dead giveaway ).
Get a pen out and write down ALL the possibilities…when we write, we can’t lie to ourselves…weigh them honestly. A rash decision may make you regret something later on.
I don’t pray, but I do send out good vibes. Good luck.
I’m so glad you wrote. With your additions, I’d like to expand my ‘advice’ slightly.
That’s great news! I was worried that she was bed ridden. That means you don’t need an expensive nurse, but rather a domestic assistant, I believe they are called. Someone to act more like a helpful companion. Much cheaper.
With a little professional help during the day, Dad should be able to do fine. I’m was wondering if Mom needed your help right away or was it really Dad who needed to call halfway round the world to get help. Then you answered me when you wrote:
Consider that your sisters love your Mother just as you do. They wouldn’t risk her health and welfare. Reread what you wrote - Dad can’t handle it - but we won’t help. Dad’s calling you because he knows they are on to him. As I suggested previously, if Mom can’t fix dinner the way she used to, Dad may have a problem. It isn’t a problem you need to return home to fix. It’s a problem your sisters are already dealing with, much as I was hoping for in my previous entries.
Now you’ve said it. Much worse at Christmas, and Mom wasn’t even out of the hospital yet! You said she came back home from the hospital late January. Dad’s losing his crutches that let him drink, and he’s afraid to face the day on his own two feet.
The question for you - Can you clear your mind, set to your new job with determination and skill, maintain updates with your sisters about Mom’s condition, and finally let Dad come to grips with responsibility and accountability for the first time in a long time?
FWIW, I think that if you let the fact your dad’s an alcoholic decide this, that’s far worse than going there and being an “enabler”. If you, yourself, believe that the right thing for you to do is to help your mother, do it. Whether you’re being an “enabler” to your father or not. If what you believe is best for your mother is you caring for her there, do it. This other stuff sounds far too much like using this as a tool to try and break your Dad’s drinking, which in and of itself is not a bad thing at all, but I know I personally wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I’d used my own mother, in a time of need, as a tool to that end. Personally I think this is the wrong time to think “Oh Dad’s a drunk, if I leave him to handle this on his own that might make him snap out of it!”
Guys, stop getting the poor girl on the guilt trip!!! She hasn’t said anything about her relationship with her mother, and not everybody loves their mother like most of you seem to do. Going back because people keep telling her that it is her duty instead of going back because she feels she wants to do it might actually make things worse.
I’ve seen more than one family where the “duty” of the children to take care of the ailing parents ruined both their lives, the childrens’ and the parents. Sick people tend to be much less patient with their own relatives than with professional health personnel, and taking care for an ailing parent, but always being critized and scolded by that same parent can make the caretaking unbearably hard. There definitely are situations where it is better for both sides to invest in professional caretaking, like one poster suggested.
I could not agree more. Studies have shown that taking care of a sick family member can have serious negative effect on the caretakers health. It takes its toll on someone, especially when that person is close to you. Paid caretakers are trained to deal with their emotions and the fact that they are not related to the ill person makes it easier. It cost money but maybe it’s better than pay the bill with your own health. Not an easy decision to make. Personally, I would go home but I can’t tell you what to do, it’s your life. I would go home and organize a solid support system through family members and/or paid caretakers. I don’t think I’d be able to stay undefinetly but it would ease things to know I did the best I could whitout actually doing it all myself and without giving up the good things I have going in my life. Maybe that’s selfish…but maybe it’s not. Tough decision but you have to do it. My best advice is once you make a decision, don’t look back. Move forward and make the best of what you choose to do.
[quote=“jdsmith”][[quote]quote=“Namahottie”]Mannnn, this is your MAMA we are talking about. She gave birth to you, as well as did other countless things to help you get where you are. Money will NEVER EVER replace the love of a mother, and her gratitude. This is family which should always come first.
You shouldn’t even be here. you should be at home lovin her, cause you don’t know how much time she has, and you wouldn’t want to have to say to yourself, well was paying off that credit card worth the time I could have spent with mom?quote][/quote]
I really hope you personally know the OP Nama, his/her past and relationship with the parents, all the little details, and not just trying to inflict your personal opinion on him/her, otherwise I’d think you were way way out of line…sigh…again[/quote]
Everyone here is giving their personal opinion of the him/her and of the situation. Yet, no one really knows what is truly going on. The OP has posted proabably a very acurate dilimma, yet, if one only wants to hear what one wants to hear, then one shouldn’t post here. This is a beautiful place to hear a multitude of ‘truths’
For what it’s worth, I find OOC’s advice the most persuasive. If I were in your shoes, Bababa, I would stay in Taiwan, at least for the time being, but try my best to make as many trips home to see my mother as I could reasonably manage – and if I could do so as often as twice a year, I’d feel that I was doing very well. What you wrote about your two sisters swings it quite decisively for me.
I find it kind of ironic that, as far as I know, any Taiwanese would be aghast that there would be any question or debate involved here AT ALL. Describe the situation to a local, and ask them what they’d do.
I must have been infected by the local culture, 'cause I do believe that there is such a thing as owing some duty to the person who brought you into the world, no matter how inconvenient or upsetting or unfair it might seem. To me, it’s not about having a better relationship with your mom–it’s just that she is your mom. <— note the period.
But for reasons that have been well expressed by other posters already, giving up the job in Taiwan and rushing back to take care of mum might not be the best way for Bababa to fulfil that duty.
And if it were a Taiwanese family, they would probably decide that Bababa should stay in Taiwan to improve her/his financial situation, sending back money if necessary, while one or both of the nearby sisters give up the other demands on their time to take care of mum – especially if one of those sisters is the oldest of the available siblings.
It’s important to take into consideration that Bababa’s mum could, and hopefully will, survive in her partially disabled condition for another twenty years or longer.
).