For all those saying they would go home in a shot.
The saddest part of a stroke is that it doesn
I think Rik finally got to the point: It’s not that the mother is dying! She “just” had a stroke and will probably live many,many more years.
No matter what the relationship to the mother, I don’t think any mother would want her child to give up everything to come back home and take care of her for the next 20 years or longer.
I’m sorry to say that, but the dad and sisters sound very selfish. They themselves are too busy to take care of your mom, but want you to give up your life to take care of your mom.
Why the 3 sisters don’t put some money together to hire somebody to take care of the mom and the dad? Seems to be the best solution for everybody.
When I came to taiwan… my father was after having a transplant… he was ok after the transplant… but years of poor kidneys had taken its toll on his heart. He also smoked cigarettes like a trooper. He would occasionally get sick requiring hosptialzation since his immune system was surpressed.
He did 6 months later of a massive heart attack while I was in Taiwan
Your mother is your mother … your father is your father and blood is thicker than water (and credit card debt)… and if it were me
I would insticntly want to go home
BUT
whether I was at home or in Taiwan I had no control on whether my father would live or die
while loyalty to your parent is noble… you have your own life. You should not feel guilty for that and not feel guilty for not giving up your life to take care of a parent.
I have a little baby girl. I believe and hope that I will always see my life as second to her… if I was sick and she had a life… I could not think of myself asking her to give it up for me ( thats not why I have kids)
Eventhough my father was not an invalid he always needed help and that was what my family and extended family were for… and not all of my family are perfect but there was enough of them to go around
Even if you did go home, how would you support yourself and take care of your mother at the same time?(I can only conclude from what your father has says, that he expects you to take care of her either yourself else you hire someone).
Better to earn money here and pay for a professinal
At least go home for a week or two or three to assess the situation… but don’t go home with the thinking that you are not coming back here… this will defintley affect your decision when you are at home
Thank you, everyone, for your replies. I appreciate the time you took to help me with such a personal decision. You helped me clarify my ideas on the matter; and raised a few points that I had never thought of before, even though they were staring me in the face.
I decided to go home. Provisionally: for six months. I’ll understand the situation better after that. I hope it’s the right decision.
Thanks. Bye for now.
Good luck dude. Our thoughts are with ya. Let us know how it goes if ya don’t mind. If anything, come on back here and vent when ya need to. 
I hope bababa has made the right decision for all concerned, hope we get and update.
In Australia for a few days and my mother just now walked out the door on her way to church and at 74 years old and 6’ tall she tripped and fell. She called out to me and I nearly did the “what mom” long distance yelling but got up from the computer and found her lying on the wet path.
She would not let me help her up and crawled inside. Really heart wrenching. She is okay, just bruised. It prompted me to search and I found this thread.
What I would do is go straight home and see what I could do to help as bababa has done. I would then work out how to get back to Taiwan and my continue with my career path while helping as much as possible from a distance. Bababa may have different career options, mine depend on being in Asia to a large extent.
I hope bababa has made the right decision for all concerned, hope we get and update.
In Australia for a few days and my mother just now walked out the door on her way to church and at 74 years old and 6’ tall she tripped and fell. She called out to me and I nearly did the “what mom” long distance yelling but got up from the computer and found her lying on the wet path.
She would not let me help her up and crawled inside. Really heart wrenching. She is okay, just bruised. It prompted me to search and I found this thread.
What I would do is go straight home and see what I could do to help as bababa has done. I would then work out how to get back to Taiwan and my continue with my career path while helping as much as possible from a distance. Bababa may have different career options, mine depend on being in Asia to a large extent.[/quote]
Ironman,
My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your Mom. I hope all is well.
There is a lot of advice for Bababa in this thread. Some of it very good, all well intentioned. The difference in the advice is one reason the phrase “your milage may vary” is in such common usage. No one bit of advice fits every situation or even the same situation for different folks. Life is offers up some tough choices, having people who care enough to share their insights can really help.
I’m glad you were there for your Mother. I wish the best for Bababa.
OOC
There are indeed no right or wrong choices in these situations. Things are what they are, and we do the best we know how at that moment, and that’s good enough. Best of luck.
OOC, I find your posts incredibly insightful. Sounds like you have really dealt with a lot in your life and you are quick to assess a crisis situation and the underlying dynamics while remaining open and supportive. I am very impressed.
This is all so unbelievable–I just talked to my mom in Taichung city yesterday and she said that she had not been feeling so well these days. Her asthma has been pretty bad that she had gone out and purchased an oxegen machine to help her breathe. She also said that she had been feeling dizzy, and fanting… She was taking a nap when I called at 2 pm and she never took a nap.
I was in tears talking with my husband this morning before I went to teach–basiclly, I don’t have a good/right feeling about this… I truely hope that I had it all wrong, with my silly sixth sense or whatever it was unconciousely… I am worried sick. I told my husband that I would like to fly home and see her this weekend; but flying cost so much money from Hualien to Taichung with 2 kids.
My dad and I really don’t get along. I have been feeling that he is in the way between my mom and me. I started to feel that I am going to hate/blame him so much if I shall miss any chance to be with my mom if anything should happen to make me not spend enough of my/her lifetime with her…
I am shocked when I ran into this thread tonight.
BABABA! You should get a big pat on the back!!!
My dad almost died a few days ago. Seriously. He’s in his late 70’s, went in for relatively minor prostate surgery, which I understand is done by laser and is usually not very serious. But the combination of anaesthesias they gave him caused his heart to suddenly stop, his heart, liver and kidneys were all suddenly in serious danger, he was rushed to intensive care, and the way I understand it he was very close to death.
Thankfully he seems to have pulled out of it just fine. I spoke with him on the phone last night and he sounded normal. My mom’s there and she says he’s eating, talking, reading, pretty much his old self, though they’re keeping him in the hospital for observation and extremely careful further testing through Tuesday (the surgery was on Thurs and I believe he would’ve otherwise been released on Thurs or Fri).
Anyway, of course we’re all extremely grateful that the danger seems to have passed. But it brings home dramatically the importance of communicating with ones parents and seeing them from time to time.
As an adolescent I was totally fucked up, into drugs, alcohol, rebellion, etc, for which my dad and I had a few shouting matches before he finally threw me out of the house. Looking back I realize the discord was largely due to my stupidity, but I guess I did need space and didn’t speak with him for a long time. But that was many, many years ago. We have long since gotten over that and have been extremely close for years – emotionally at least, obviously living in Taiwan means personal visits are scarce. And in recent years as I’ve seen them getting dramatically older, and now that I’ve got a daughter, I have increasingly felt a duty (not saying that in a bad way) to visit them as often as possible.
Of course they seem to be most excited about seeing their granddaughter. They get ecstatic over that, I can tell, though they try to act normal. But it’s about me too. After all, to be brutally frank, assume my dad lives another 5 years. If I visit them once a year for a week, that’s another 35 days that he will see me (and my daughter) in his lifetime. That’s not much. Just a month.
I didn’t need this incident to teach me that lesson; as I said, I’ve been realizing it increasingly in recent years. Consequently, not only did we visit them over CNY, but it looks like we’ll head out there this summer too (thankfully I don’t have to go tomorrow, though).
Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Family is precious. Life is short. Even if you’ve had discord, separation, resentment in your family, get over it. We’ll all die one day, presumably your parents before you, and possibly sooner than you think. Regardless of how you may feel about them now, when they’re gone (or you’re gone) there will inevitably be disappointment that more good times (or even tolerable times) weren’t spent together. Don’t wait till it’s too late.
Too true. I go home every summer to see the folks and usually take Chinese New Year to do some travelling. This year, for various cirmcustances, I decided to go home again at CNY. My mother had been ill for several years and, though we all realized it was only a matter of time, there was never really any mention of how long she had left. She seemed so happy over that visit, talking about all that she was thankful for and reminiscing about events past that I had long forgotten. I never gave it any real thought, but when I left to come back to Taiwan, she gave me the longest, tightest hug her frail,little body could muster and wouldn’t let me go for the longest time. Finally, when she did let me go, I knew that she was saying goodbye.
It may sound silly, but my family is like that; few words spoken, but we seem to understand each other despite that fact. She died March 21st, peacefully, thank God, because she had so much pain over the last years. I flew back again for the memorial and funeral. Call it dumb luck, coincidence, or fate, but I sure am glad that I made that trip at CNY and had that time with her. Of course I miss her and love her always, but at least I feel that I was lucky to see her one last time and do things as right as could be.
MT. take that trip this summer; take your daughter along and make the most of the time you have with them. It may only work out to a few days over the course of their remaining years but your last remarks are so true; better those few days than the disappointment you would feel if you hadn’t. Hope your father is well and on the mend.
[quote=“bababa”]Thank you, everyone, for your replies. I appreciate the time you took to help me with such a personal decision. You helped me clarify my ideas on the matter; and raised a few points that I had never thought of before, even though they were staring me in the face.
I decided to go home. Provisionally: for six months. I’ll understand the situation better after that. I hope it’s the right decision.
Thanks. Bye for now.[/quote]
I think you made a very human decision. I mean that like Confucius, not like Agent Smith of the Matrix.
I hope you find the situation is not as bad as you thought. Likely you will need to help with providing a nurse after you are done, but this will give you 6 months with your family.
It is fortunate that you are in a position where you don’t have other responsibilities that could keep you from this course of action.
Best of luck to you.
Thanks citizen k. I’m confident all’s ok now, but I realize there’s still only a limited time (1 yr? 3 yrs? 5 yrs? No one knows) left. We’re all mortal. We’re definitely heading out there this summer.
Sorry about your mom. I’m glad it was peaceful and glad you made that final trip.
i came back to the US from taiwan for many reasons- but my mom was one of them. she was not in bad health then. she lives with me now in a beautiful addition she designed herself. she was an icu room nurse for 40 years, so she knew how to prepare for the future. her addition is designed with a ramp and all doorways are wheelchair accessible. the bathroom is big enough to fit a wheelchair. she told me that if she has a stroke, her insurance provides for parttime help. now she has a growth in her breast and has opted for surgery to get it all out instead of just a biopsy. even though my sister is extremely run down from work and is getting over bronchitis, she got on a plane and took her 2 young kids with her to stay with us over easter so she could be with my mom. my mom’s health is not good- she has this growth, high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol etc, and is 72. but i have a measure of peace knowing that we have prepared as well as we could, and we don’t take the time for granted.
my father, on the other hand, is not someone i would welcome to live in my house. if he needed serious caretaking, i would provide financially for him and visit him, but not go to the lengths i would for my mom. fortunatley, he is financially well-off, so i don’t have that burden. and we have a sort of friendly relationship. if my parents had been extremely abusive, i think i would only plan to provide a minimum level of care through a hired caregiver or nursing home, whether or not siblings helped out.
Wow, sobering piece in the NYT today.
A woman writes movingly of how her 85 year-old father who had suffered from dementia for the past 5 years, whose mind was now totally gone, who was incontinent and incapable of caring for himself, and was an immense burden on his 85 year-old wife, who spent most of her days caring for him, worrying about him, raising her-own blood pressure, causing her to lose weight and taking years off her life, but he just keeps living and living and living, because he had a pacemaker implanted in his chest, the internal battery has another expected 5 years of life on it, and the damn thing keeps him living on and on, artificially, though his brain is long gone and his life otherwise would have mercifully come to an end years ago. Finally, after enduring the unnatural existence for too many years, the end did come. Then the author, the daughter, describes how her mother dealt with her own end.
It’s a little long, but well worth the read. I expect that my 80 year-old parents read the article this morning and I’m sure it resonated deeply with them. I’m not brave enough to mention the article to them, but it got me thinking about the inevitable.
nytimes.com/2010/06/20/magaz … f=homepage
It also makes me grateful i’m flying out to California shortly so they can see my daughter and me.
MT, you never speak to your parents about their passing?? My parents are in their 50s, but here and there they will keep mentioning, that they are getting older and if they have an accident or sudden illness, they would like to live if they can still function and all but I shouldn’t ‘keep them alive’ in a coma or sth. On my part, I tell them if they get senile and sick, it’ll be easier for me to take care of them and they should come live with me, (to make my life easier) than insisting on staying alone, sick in their own home, and which will make me sick with worry. I know for now these are words, and when reality hits, all will be different yet, I let them know, I want to able to take care of them and they should let me.
Oh ok I am rambling, I miss my mum terribly and more so now that I know I’ll see her soon enough :loco:
It’s MUCH easier for senile people to stay in their own environment. It’s a biggie for us, because my grandmother retired miles away from any of us, by the sea, and we worry like crazy about her and her partner / carer. But they refuse to move, and my grandmother gets noticeably more confused and upset when she’s away from her home. So … we make provision, and try to respect her wishes. Without my step-grandfather (?) though, there’d be no choice. He’s an absolute angel.
Well, I have given my folks the ultimatum. I can’t live my life in guilt and worry. If they get sick or senile they move in with me. Simple. We respected our grand mother’s wishes toooo, she had 4 kids and they cold all take turns in looking after her. I am an only child, so I need to do everything myself. For now, they are not opposed to the idea, but let’s see.
No, it’s a taboo subject of discussion between us, like sex and drugs. They have briefly in passing mentioned that they have Living Wills and/or Take No Extreme Measures documents, or something, but we intentionally don’t dwell on such things. I think we’re all too cowardly to do so. I’m sure they’ve discussed such things at length with each other.
I also haven’t quite had the courage to discuss with my daughter that my parents may have only a few years left (given the odds, since they’re both 80). She adores them and when the time comes it’ll be heartbreaking for her. She also knows that they’re on their way towards the door. I can see it in her eyes, I can feel her considering the possibilities, as she has asked me how long each of my grandparents lived, and it’s plainly visible they are shrinking and deteriorating and getting frailer. But when I speak of human life spans with my girl, I generally tell her if some one smokes or drinks a lot (which they don’t) they may only live to 50 or 60, or one could get hit by a car or struck by cancer – even if otherwise healthy – and might not even live that long. But otherwise I’ve told her many people live to 90 (one of my grandmothers did) or even 100.
As I said, maybe I’m a coward not to discuss such things more frankly, but at least I recognize the inevitable reality, so we visit them about twice a year and call them weekly, which my daughter loves and my folks are clearly thrilled with each time.
Well, every situation is different, and we all make what we hope are the right decisions. In my gran’s case (she has Alzheimer’s, middle stages), it’s about making her comfortable and prolonging the part of her life where she remembers things. Emotionally, it takes a giant toll on the Alzheimer’s patient, and as an incredibly dignified woman who has supported all of us, financially and emotionally, it’s very important to her to retain her independence. Taking her away from a familiar environment goes contrary to doctors’ advice, and her wishes, and we want to prolong the ‘knowing’ stages of her being with us. When she can’t physically cope, or my grandfather can’t cope, we’ll reassess, but for now, what she says, goes.