Welcome to Squid Game: Taiwan Edition, a brutal, no-mercy contest where these unworthy parasites 
will fight to the death in real Taiwanese childhood games.
Only ONE survivor earns the right to become Taiwanese. The rest? Well, let’s just say they’ll be “returning home” in black plastic bags.
The Games: Survive or Die Horribly
一二三木頭人 (“1, 2, 3, Wooden Man”) - Instant Execution Round
- Think Red Light, Green Light, but with sniper rifles mounted on Taipei 101.
- Move after “木頭人” is called? BOOM- your foreign brains are artistic decor on Xinyi pavement.
跳格子 (Hopscotch Over a Pit of Stinky Tofu)
- Classic hopscotch, except the tiles randomly collapse, dropping contestants into a vat of molten stinky tofu.
- Death by suffocation in Taiwan’s most pungent, fermented horror.
打彈珠 (Marbles)
- Each contestant bets their life over a simple game of marbles.
- The loser? Forced to chug a gallon of freshly blended oyster omelet smoothie-complete with half-cooked, diarrhea-inducing oysters.
- If they survive the food poisoning, they move on. If not? Taiwan’s sewers welcome another offering.
拔河 (Tug-of-War, With Scooters and Death)
- Traditional tug-of-war, except the losing team is dragged into oncoming traffic on Zhongxiao East Road at rush hour.
- Bonus points if they get flattened by an angry blue truck running a red light.
躲避球 (Dodgeball, With Bricks)
- Standard dodgeball, but instead of rubber balls, contestants hurl bricks and coconuts at each other.
- Last man standing moves on. Everyone else? Well, good luck dodging blunt force trauma.
Final Round: 滷肉飯 vs. Food Poisoning Showdown
- The last two survivors face the ultimate Taiwan assimilation challenge:
- A bucket-sized bowl of 滷肉飯, drenched in pure lard, with a side of stir-fried pig intestines, duck blood, and a traditionally undercooked oyster omelet.
First one to vomit, hesitate, or pass out from salmonella? Immediate execution by 阿嬤’s iron-clad slipper.
