Teaching children about death & dying

My wife cried herself to sleep last night, she just found out that one of our daughters classmates died over 6 months ago… it appears the school said nothing. However, she now recalls that our daughter came home from school one day and asked her “what does die mean”, she is 4.5yo. As we were unaware of the situation, we changed subject and didn’t cover it again.

More recently our hamster died. We had told our daughter it had ran away, but still she infrequently pops the question “where’s da lao ban”

Based on the news from last night, we were wondering whether we should have taken advantage of poor da lao ban’s demise to teach about death and dying. Or is 4yo too young to understand ?

Obviously the web has oodles of info about the subject, but i am interested in others thoughts?

I think your girl is old enough. She’s actually almost 5, isn’t she?

One of our goldfish died, and then another, when our girl was about 4. I lied. I removed them in the morning, before she awoke. One had been noticeably sick for a couple of days beforehand, so I told her I had brought it to hte fish store for them to try to make it better, because they have fish doctors there. For a while she asked when it would come back home, but eventually the subject died out. For the other I tried to buy a fish that looked as close as possible to it, hoping I could fake her out, but of course I couldn’t. It was noticeably smaller and she didn’t buy it when I told her it must have shrunk from eating too little. So I hemmed and hawed and changed the topic. not too graceful.

But since then we’ve definitely discussed death. Not in graphic detail, but I’ve told her that people live about 100 years (grandma and grandpa are each about 80, so I had to stretch the truth a little). After all, it is obvious that grandma and grandpa are getting old: they’re all grey and wrinkled and hunched over, etc. The decline with aging is surely obvious to her. And I discussed that dogs and cats only live about 15 years, but a giant tortoise may live 200 years. My facts may be off a little, but at least I’m explaining the concept of mortality.

And, I’ve explained that if you’re not careful and run out in the street and get hit by a car you could break your bones and go to the hospital in an ambulance, or if it’s really bad one can even die, so you need to be careful.

Introducing her to the concept of mortality hasn’t bothered her at all. Sure, it’s a little hard for us to explain it, but it’s not at all hard for her. I don’t know about your girl, but ours just LOVES to learn. She wants to learn everything. She’s constantly asking things such as:

  • where did people come from (I told her monkeys and told her some people believe from God),
  • how did the world begin (I told her big bang),
  • what’s on the other side of the universe (tried to explain infinity),
  • where do babies come from (I finally told her they are delivered out of the vagina, and I told her that mommies have eggs, though I haven’t yet told her how the male fertilizes it, but I expect to soon),
  • why is mommy grouchy once a month (told her about her period, and blood coming out of her vagina, and it’ll happen to you too when you’re older) etc.,

So long as I explain it a perfectly calm, natural, matter of fact way (nothing embarrassing about it, nothing to be squeamish about, that’s just the way it is), she takes it all in very calmly, appreciative to learn about these big new things. Then, from time to time in the coming days and weeks she’ll ask follow up questions, but she’s never been the least bit disturbed by learning the truth. Only curious, a little amazed, and appreciative to be informed.

I think MT should start an ‘Ask MT’ thread - I have so many questions I need answering!

First the man inserts his penis. Then the sperm swim out of his penis and up to make contact with the egg. Then it develops into a fetus and is finally delivered out of the vagina. Cool, huh?

Next?

[quote=“Connel”]My wife cried herself to sleep last night, she just found out that one of our daughters classmates died over 6 months ago… it appears the school said nothing. However, she now recalls that our daughter came home from school one day and asked her “what does die mean”, she is 4.5yo. As we were unaware of the situation, we changed subject and didn’t cover it again.

More recently our hamster died. We had told our daughter it had ran away, but still she infrequently pops the question “where’s da laoban”

Based on the news from last night, we were wondering whether we should have taken advantage of poor da laoban’s demise to teach about death and dying. Or is 4yo too young to understand ?

Obviously the web has oodles of info about the subject, but I am interested in others thoughts?[/quote]

Maybe to young to really grasp all the implications of it, but not too young to try to explain. Having happened to see the poor guy would have got the message across more than anything I guess.

[quote=“Mother Theresa”]First the man inserts his penis. Then the sperm swim out of his penis and up to make contact with the egg. Then it develops into a fetus and is finally delivered out of the vagina. Cool, huh?

Next?[/quote]

Ha ha haaaa! Yeah… AS IF!

[quote=“Mother Theresa”]First the man inserts his penis. Then the sperm swim out of his penis and up to make contact with the egg. Then it develops into a fetus and is finally delivered out of the vagina. Cool, huh?

Next?[/quote]
Yeah, well, you might have added something about the danger of papercuts off the edge of the envelope. And that you should cool the egg down before you put it in. You’re useless. Completely bloody useless.

It’s true. I’ve got pictures too, if anyone wants to see them. :uhhuh:

[quote=“Mother Theresa”]First the man inserts his penis. Then the sperm swim out of his penis and up to make contact with the egg. Then it develops into a fetus and is finally delivered out of the vagina. Cool, huh?

Next?[/quote]

Wait, wait, wait! … How do you get to this stage? Wait! Let me get a pen …

[quote=“Stray Dog”][quote=“Mother Theresa”]First the man inserts his penis. Then the sperm swim out of his penis and up to make contact with the egg. Then it develops into a fetus and is finally delivered out of the vagina. Cool, huh?

Next?[/quote]

Wait, wait, wait! … How do you get to this stage? Wait! Let me get a pen …[/quote]
He’s talking about doing it with another human, Stray Dog. You don’t need to pen them first.

I don’t think that we should hide death from children, as it is one of the natural parts of the great cycle of life. Children need to learn how to understand the world, how to think about what happens in it, good and bad, and how to express their own feelings in a healthy way. I don’t see why a child of 4-5 would be too young. They might not fully understand it at first, but before long, death on TV or in movies or books, death of a pet or perhaps a classmate or grandparent will be part of what they see, and I see no good reason not to start preparing them for that gradually.

Perhaps the urge to cover it up, even if it’s just a goldfish, stems from the impulse to try to keep them happy at all times. Or perhaps it is a result of your own discomfort with the topic. If the latter, I would recommend taking a little time to reflect upon your own (perhaps spiritual) beliefs and your emotions about the topic first, and then think about how to discuss the topic with your child the next time the topic does come up, whether as a floating goldfish, or a news story on TV, a character dying in a storybook, or just an innocent question out of the blue.

I would be perfectly honest about it. I would teach that death is just part of life, and that nothing lives forever. If you have spiritual beliefs about what happens afterwards, talk about them; if not, then perhaps a comparison to sleep would be non-religious yet non-threatening. If you want to bring it up out of the blue, start with the least threatening examples, like when plants die, or when leaves fall. If talking about a pet or a person, be honest. Talk about sadness. Talk about how the sadness fades, and you learn to accept it. Talk about how a loved one, perhaps a grandparent or parent of your own, lives on through your memories, through the love between you, and possibly through what they accomplished. Take them with you when you visit a gravesite of a loved one. Have them help you choose flowers, and place them there. I don’t see why an child would be too young to accompany you on such a visit. They’ll understand however much they understand, and it will be a healthy part of their experience as they grow up.

There are values related to life and death which I would want my child to learn, including the value of life, and respect for life; the fact of death, and respect for the dead and for the grieving; the fact that it’s healthy to be sad, and to express that sadness, and how expressing sadness helps us get over sadness; the importance of comforting those who grieve and remembering and honoring our departed loved ones. I think that the loss of a pet or a classmate is as good a time as any to start talking about and teaching those values.

But do try to become comfortable with the topic first, because if you’re uncomfortable, I’ll bet your child will pick up on it and become uncomfortable too.

When my son’s beloved beetle died I spent the whiole evening panicing and planning what I was going to say. The next monring we talked about the life cycle and how we were going to bury the beetle in the backyard and it would return to nature. After about a 15 mintue lecture he said “so, it’s dead right? Can we go get another?” :laughing:

When my daughters fish died, I fiqured no big deal, she heard the back to nature speech. So I gently broke the news to her, fully expecting the same response as my son. Poor little mite broke into huge, racking sobs and cried for almost a full hour while clutching the fish bowl. :doh:

I still feel that, for my family, the truth was the best course even if it is a little hard for them to grasp or hurts. We still revisit the topic often, usually when an animal dies or they see old sick, people around our neighbourhood. Their main concern seems to be us dying so we just keep reasuring them that mama and baba are still young and will be around a while.

Sorry to hear about your daughters classmate. Truly heartbreaking.

4 years old is not too young to understand some basic things about death. I believe if you answer simple questions with simple answers, that will be enough. She will, most likely, be ok with that, go away and think about it, and come back with more specific questions as she gets older.

There is a great book about lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen, its a gentle way to talk about lifetimes. It talks about bees and leaves etc, and eventually people. The recurring theme on each page is the prase “this is its lifetime”. But that is probably more suited to older peoples death, as they are naturally at the end of their life time.
kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/f … death.html
This link has some good ideas on how to answer your daughters questions.

Hope that helps

ETA Unless you want to create problems and sleep issues with your daughter, I would avoid at all costs comparing death to sleep!

Me, I’m going to just download the parrot sketch off Monty Python and sit the brat down in front of that. Problem solved.

Wait, wait, wait! … How do you get to this stage? Wait! Let me get a pen …[/quote]
He’s talking about doing it with another human, Stray Dog. You don’t need to pen them first.[/quote]
Look, as long as Stray Dog persists in his across the board “catch, neuter, release” program, he’s never going to procreate! :smiley:

Great post, D-bones,

and piwackit, I had a similar experience with my nephews and niece.

They had lost a fish; we had a beautiful (very solemn) ceremony for it in the backyard as we buried it.

Funeral finished, little David said, “That’s the end of THAT fish!”
and they all ran off to play. The grieving seems to go faster if the “lost one” has no fur/hair.

I think people usually underestimate how well children understand the whole life cycle.

I just hate that my relatives go for the “open casket” funerals, and (in the old days) took photos of the dear departed in the casket to show others.