Tommy's story

Life Dating & Relationships
101

[quote=“Deuce Dropper”]
I am very worried you are getting played.[/quote]

If you read it all through again you will see that Tommy is fully aware that he could be getting played and he has accepted that as a risk worth taking. What is money if it sits in a bank for you to worry about? What is life worth if you never do anything and never take a risk? I too was worried for Tommy, but now I am not. He knows what he is doing and he knows how he will feel in the worst case scenario.

Anyway, many months have passed, I imagine they must be waiting for the visa to come through pretty soon.

102

[quote=“superking”][quote=“Deuce Dropper”]
I am very worried you are getting played.[/quote]

If you read it all through again you will see that Tommy is fully aware that he could be getting played and he has accepted that as a risk worth taking. What is money if it sits in a bank for you to worry about? What is life worth if you never do anything and never take a risk? I too was worried for Tommy, but now I am not. He knows what he is doing and he knows how he will feel in the worst case scenario.

Anyway, many months have passed, I imagine they must be waiting for the visa to come through pretty soon.[/quote]

I read the whole thread (sadly) and it is his acceptance that he is likely/maybe/potentially getting played that is a bit troubling.

103

8 months wait so far for the K1 initial approval. They are up to July 18 , 2012 submissions. Ours is August 6th. So waiting for next batch. Fiancee is haggling me daily about it. She cant wait to get it and come over. I am sure she pads her expense account. But as long as its all reasonable. I know that this last year her life has been much better. And why should she be blamed for that?

She textes me from the moment she wakes , all day long till she sleeps at nite.

If there comes a time when the visa is approved and stamped in her passport and she refuses to come. Then and only then will i have lost. But even so, I helped one nice girl live a better life for a year. And thats a nice check mark in my book. But im betting that wont happen.

IF anyone is to blame its the US govt who hasnt done a single thing to make the visa processing faster.

Over 15,000 cases apparently submitted last August and they can only process 3000 cases a month. One only has to do the math. Even so they are taking longer then the five months initially expressed.

Now why cant they hire more people you may say? We are paying 350 dollars each just for someone to take a 30 second look and say Yay or Nay.

My ex gf , on the other hand. Got her visa and decided to call off the wedding. Her partner didnt invest anything (or certainly not enough) emotionally or quantitatively in their relationship.

She paid for half of the 350 and all of the 250 on the TW side. I thought that was dumb. And he hasnt spent much on her at all. So she feels he has not got enough invested in it.

104

[quote=“Deuce Dropper”]I just read all this (kinda wish I didn’t) and I need to play the cynic here because I think everyone has been too jiayo’ish to this point.

Tommy, there are a ton of red flags here.

1-you met online, how do you know she hasn’t been trolling for relatively wealthy foreigners before?

far as i know shes had one or two young foreign boyfriends she met in jkt and one indo boyfriend or two. They probably had to fork over some dough because she couldnt have amassed the clothing she has from her salary.

2-you are paying for a lifestyle beyond what she is accustomed to. Yes, she is giving you ‘detailed reports’, but I would bet all the tea in China that she is still taking motorcycle taxis (just logical in Jakarta’s grid lock) and still eating street food (what she knows), your intentions are good, but I have a hunch she is fudging them and pocketing the extra money you are giving her.

China does indeed produce some pretty good tea ! If I know my gf well, she is pretty comfortable being comfortable. I get pics from her all the time showing her in taxis. I doubt she takes moto taxis anymore because for sure it messes up her hair and she is very well coiffed. SHes highly fashionable, very dainty and loves a bit of luxury. Goes to salons twice a week for a milk bath, massage and hair styling. Sure she pads her expense account, I have no doubt. But i do know that she does spend it all on herself. I doubt she is eating street food much now because she now goes to eat lunch with her buds and co workers at the mall. And dinner too. Now she eats street food only because she wants to, not because she has to. Its her choice to pocket the meal budget and eat street food if she wants to. At least the choice is given her.

3-you are putting yourself in a difficult situation. it will be very tough for this relationship to blossom because you’ve made her a charity case.

I have never not been in a difficult situation when it comes to a gf. And never NOT lost money. And never yet so far not had everything go to hell eventually. So how is this any different?

4-poor girls from third world countries value money more than love, sure there are some wonderful people out there, but you don’t know who is in her ear, what they are telling her, in many ways it makes more sense for her to perpetually delay the trip to America and keep on riding this gravy train you’ve provided.

Shes not delaying her trip to ahmerika. No visa as yet in hand. This gravy train does have a last stop. Love? Thats a concept not founded in reality. Took me all these years to find this out !! I just want a dang good actress to play the role i want her to play.

5-this is kind of a classic play that almost inevitably ends badly, be it Thailand, Vietnam, Philippines, Cambodia or Indonesia this scenario almost always ends ugly. Perhaps your situation is different, but if Vegas were putting odds on this relationship, it would lean HEAVY to the other side.

Vegas? Yup. I couldve put all this money into vegas. My bets on TW girls have cost me much more grief and more money ! And they were far from poor girls.

How to fix this?

1-Cut off the payment and see how she reacts, tell her money is tight and she will need to fend for herself (unless you are worried about how she may get that extra cash).

If i cut her off, she will simply sink below the waves. And i will probably put her into the whore house. HOw is that going to make me feel.

2-If this is love, you need to move to Jakarta for a couple of months and live together. Yearning and wanking will make any relationship seem like destiny or fate, but being together in the flesh will allow you to flesh out all the issues and see if you are truly compatible.

True , time will be the true test, but it wont be occuring in jakarta. I have no desire to live there for a few months. Thanks tho. Destiny? Fate? Yup those they are. Love? I dont believe in it. Do you? If you do you are a fool. I just want a dang good actress . To play the role as I want her to play. Do it , or I get another actress. Love? Please :smiley: It wasnt the loss of money that had almost killed me before but “love” came close a few times.

I am very worried you are getting played.

I am way beyond getting worried. IM committed to this ride, roller or not.

Sorry, just a gut feeling from your posts and the situation as presented.[/quote]

Imagine if i was betting YOUR money. I am sure that will really get you worried. :stuck_out_tongue:

yeah its far from ideal, but i plays my hand and hopes to come up a winner. I think the odds are great !

105

Hi, tommy525. Can I say something online that some might consider a bit cruel?

106

of course. thats why we are here.

107

of course. thats why we are here.[/quote]

OK, I think you really need to hit the gym. Get off the internet and workout. IMO it won’t appear to be related to your relationship, but it will be.

Just my opinion, and I’m more than happy if you ignore it.

108

of course. thats why we are here.[/quote]

OK, I think you really need to hit the gym. Get off the internet and workout. IMO it won’t appear to be related to your relationship, but it will be.

Just my opinion, and I’m more than happy if you ignore it.[/quote]

yeah i know i have to get into a better shape. something other then round.

But i work all day and the gym is more work. and even less fun.

:slight_smile:

I will try to do more walking tho.

Gyms have bad air, good chance to pick up some germs.

p.s . im not happy with the situ as it is and will think twice should I have to do a repeat . But im on the plane and in it for the ride, wherever it takes me.

I bought the ticket and sat my butt on the seat and the plane doors are closed . Parachuting out is not an option.

Will deal with the situ once the plane is on the ground again.

109

The gym will do you more good than you can imagine.

This is the only part which worries me. For her and for you. Basically you are buying a slave. This is not good.

110

:slight_smile: no its not that bad.

Im a realist. Love is not defined hollywood style. Love to me is defined by being there for the other person. By doing things to better that person’s life. By sticking it out against the odds for each other.

By giving of yourself and by doing your best to get along. To bring happiness as much as you can to each other.

Its not about how big a ring you got for her, or how big a house or that car. Its not about appearances for your and her friends.

Its about being there, about being committed to each other.

That is the role I want to play and I want her to play. If you play it well, your heart will be in it.

If you cant play that role well , you simply didnt have your heart in it. Its really that simple.

111

[quote=“tommy525”]:slight_smile: no its not that bad.

Im a realist. Love is not defined Hollywood style. Love to me is defined by being there for the other person. By doing things to better that person’s life. By sticking it out against the odds for each other.

By giving of yourself and by doing your best to get along. To bring happiness as much as you can to each other.

Its not about how big a ring you got for her, or how big a house or that car. Its not about appearances for your and her friends.

Its about being there, about being committed to each other.

That is the role I want to play and I want her to play. If you play it well, your heart will be in it.

If you cant play that role well , you simply didnt have your heart in it. Its really that simple.[/quote]

You seem to be contradicting yourself. First you said you don’t believe in love.

But then…

[quote] Love to me is defined by being there for the other person. By doing things to better that person’s life. By sticking it out against the odds for each other. [/quote] You also say you need to have your heart in it. You say it is not about material possessions. Tommy, mate, you are defining LOVE. You are looking for a girl who will put her heart into being there for you, doing things to make your life better and not seeking material rewards. She would have to be sociopathic to spend her life putting her heart into acting like she loves you.

She basically needs to become all the things you want her to become or else you will move on. But you excuse yourself from any culpability by saying a) I am doing her a good deed and b) I don’t need her to feel love for me for this to work for me. Basically you are saying, “Yeah, she is probably fucking me over, but as long as I never get to hear about it I don’t care because I will have a warm human nearby.” Isn’t that called settling for second best?

If either of you are genuinely in love with the other than this is a bad situation. If neither of you are in love with each other then this is a…bork (?)…I have no word for it. It’s like you are both emotionally raping each other at the same time, if neither of you particularly cares, and just wants make-believe. But, well, if it is open and honest, then whatever.

Maybe though… you are emotionally still upset with your past g/f and you simply won’t allow yourself to be in love, so you have sought out this relationship and made these statements to yourself to protect yourself.

112

perhaps not 'splainin myself too good but in a nutshell. yes we all want love. But the definition of love i have given is the kind of love i want.

not the hollywood definition of love.

If shes capable , and i believe its a good bet she is, to play the role of a wife (wife to me is a gal who provides companionship and sex and possibly children) for any reasonable length of time (one hopes it all works out for a long time of course) then its a success.

IM looking for someone who will work with me here. For the long run.

Call that love, or call that whatever. The results are more important then the label.

The hollywood version of love is not working. We need the working version of love.

Hollywood version:

passion driven, emotion driven, goods driven. desire driven. dramatic, basically unstable. idealistic.

Pragmatic version:

workable. team work. shared ideals. shared goals. shared commitments. common ground.
Stable. Stands the test of time.

113

Ok, so terminology like play, act, gamble, bet, make this sound like you are too mechanical, when really you just want to be loved for who you are. You big softie, you. :smiley:

114

rather then editing the above which may be boxed and commented on , i think i will take this time (fueled by some very nice award winning Kavalan whiskey a nice visitor brought me from icon… tanks icon)

IM moving away from what i like to call “hollywood love” . Thats the “love” i no longer believe in.

Thats the passionate love. The yearning for her love. The seeing someone and wishing you could have her, love. The heart pounding when shes in the room love. The oh shes so awesome but so unattainable love. The “storybook” romance love. The I met her on the train and it was love at first sight love. The love that has gotten many innocents killed love. The one way love. The Romeo and Juliet love. The love that says it with candles and chocolates and love notes stuck in her locker , love. I could go on and on here.

The love that makes your heart go pitter patter and makes you want to kill yourself if you cant have her love. Or worse yet ,makes you want to kill HER , if you cant have her “love”.

Thats all an illusion. Thats all unrealistic and plainly stoopid.

Real love is finding someone that is ready to commit to YOU. Ready to make a life with YOU. Ready to work with YOU. Ready to be there for you and do his/her best to make things work for both parties.

Someone that is not going to let you down.

Thats what i call real and pragmatic love. I believe I can provide this love. And I am looking for the right partner who can reciprocate. I can bring something to the table and she can bring something to the table and we can have a meal together. That can lead to a happy shared life together.

Its possible meet this person in a less then ideal circumstance.

It is possible to find the partner that is willing to go the distance. This is what i still believe.

A partner that will be there for you, to give you her time and her efforts and share her life with you and willing to commit to a better life for the two of you. That commitment is the key to success.

That to me is “love”.

I still believe in this kind of “love”.

I believe this girl could work. And thats why im placing my bet.

If it turns out to be a huge non starter. Well . Try and try again then.

p.s. in answer to above. Yes i want to be “accepted” for who I am. And yes “loved” or at least appreciated for who i am. Im not looking for a person who will hate me or try to change me. Because that will fail. I jsut want someone who can work with ME for the long run.

115

I can totally understand you wanting more of a pragmatic ‘love’ than a passionate ‘love’ because you feel that it is more practical, logical, and realistic.

But what happens two or three years down the line when one of you meets someone that makes your heart go pitter patter? When a different person brings those emotional passions out of you or out of her? Do you think that you or her could still roll along with one another in a non-passionate, non-emotional relationship and ignore those feelings for another that make you feel alive again and give you butterflies when you don’t have anything like that to go home to?

That’s how affairs start.

116

That’s when maturity kicks in and you learn to say no to an affair.

On that note im at strada cafe at the berkeley campus and there is an asian couple next to me who may be playing with fire.

They are married but not to each other.

I intend to love my wife with passion and all my heart.

117

[quote=“tommy525”]That’s when maturity kicks in and you learn to say no to an affair.

On that note im at strada cafe at the berkeley campus and there is an Asian couple next to me who may be playing with fire.

They are married but not to each other.

I intend to love my wife with passion and all my heart.[/quote]

You can’t both do that and pretend to do that. Hell, Tommy, even fifty percent or more of couples who marry for passionate love can’t do that. So if you go into it with nothing but good intentions, and then something real comes along, how can you expect to want to stay in something that’s either loveless, or at least un-reciprocated by your actress wife?

Because the odds aren’t great these days for ANY couple, then I guess you may as well play whatever game suits you, but I really think the others here are right and you need to much more carefully think through what you’re doing here.

If your problem is mainly that you’re so out of shape that you can’t attract a suitable partner then you’d be doing yourself a favor many times over by putting the work and effort into YOURSELF and not to some bought and paid for pretend lover. Your health, your self-esteem, your wallet–all would get more out of commitment to the gym than to an arrangement like this.

And for what it’s worth–and meaning no disrespect–if you cut off your girl’s bank deposits, I doubt she’d be on the street or living a difficult life–not for long, anyway. You’re not the first guy to think up a plan like this, and I’m sure she could find someone else. Think about that, Tommy.

Good luck.

118

The sad truth is when it comes to relationships getting your needs met is more important than romantic love. You can love the shit out of a person, but if they don’t scratch your itch then problems be on the horizon. Whether you’re the touchy-feely type or need someone to treat you like the piece of garbage you subconsciously believe yourself to be, the person that can best supply those needs will trump any story book romance every time. Be honest with yourself and learn to recognize the type of person you’re most compatible with first and foremost, and leave the bullshit behind

119

Im not out of shape that much. Dont worry. And I would not have trouble attracting quite a few gals in Asia. Dont worry bout that. IM just saying that a partner has to work out. Action will speak much louder then words.

A WILL to stay together will keep love strong.

The lovey dovey stuff that is not real is going to unravel itself.

Oh and i do love my fiancee. Dont get me wrong. I love her a LOT .

:slight_smile:

Im not going for her just cuz i can. Im going for her cuz i WANT her. Yes HER in particular !

I CAN get someone else.

Im just saying that if her love turns out to be brass instead of gold, well iv gotten better at saying goodbye (and good riddance).

I just want someone i can work with dang it !! :smiley:

120

That is just wrong. I saw later photos of your kitty and she deserves to be your avatar!

I read through whole post, but I won’t comment on if it’s right or wrong. I think all was said, now it’s just wait and see. Good luck.

Also, you should add “Love your wife” to your signature too.

And only comment to all you guys seeing women as leeches… in my relationship I am mostly going dutch on everything with my bf, or often was trying to cover for him (while he was doing his army service here in Taiwan, and was between jobs I didn’t ask him to pay the rent or anything, never expected him to pay for my meals, clothes etc.). I do not ask him to pay for some of stuff I’m buying for our apartment, but I am happy when he joins in (especially when he’s joining on my, or now more ours, cat expenses). So, just don’t go assuming all girls want your money.