This isn’t uncommon in both Taiwan and China, and is one reason why so many couples won’t get married.
I wish I had seen this thread earlier. Here are some of my experiences.
First of all, weddings around the world are probably all pretty stressful, but Taiwan’s wedding and the traditions surrounding it often test the resolve of couples, and plenty of them simply don’t make it, or made it through but the process left a deep cut in the relationship. How soul crushing the experience is ultimately depends on the parents though. In additional to the emotional endurance, and negotiation skills, you absolutely need to have good organization and planning skills to pull it off without too many things falling apart.
Southern Taiwan, especially Tainan, have different traditional expectations when it comes to who pays for what in a wedding. Failure to recognize that could make parents from either ends of Taiwan feeling that they are not being respected.
As for the betrothal money and gifts, you could try to ask if it is ok to just transfer the agreed upon number to your girlfriend’s account, and they can arrange how much to transfer to her parents’ account. Traditionally, some of that money was used to make sure in the backwards society where a divorced woman have little means to support herself, there’s some money to fall back to. So giving that money directly to your girlfriend should achieve that purpose, and a lot of young people do it this way. Unless the girl’s family is absolutely about showing people how much money their daughter got them, and wants to put it on a table to show everyone on wedding day.
A lot of times, whether a couple makes it through the process or not depends on how much you want to spend the rest of your lives together. If both of you agrees that’s the goal you want to achieve and rest are just formalities to try to make both families happy as well in the process, then you wouldn’t be as stressed out. If what her parents is asking for is too much, both of you should find a sincere way to let her parents know that’s currently beyond your abilities, and you are willing to pay a certain amount, and you really love and respects each other and would get legally married no matter what.
Buying a house and put it under the wife’s name is a very common practice. This again was a mechanism to secure some economic safety for the woman if she gets divorced, and stems from the backwards male-dominant culture and society back in the days. Despite the law technically saying all properties are shared equally after marriage, often times the name on the certificate still gets ownership when divorced. If you are planning to buy a house, what you could do is put it under your wife’s name, and go to a legal office and draft an agreement saying that the real estate is own equally by the both of you without letting your in-laws know.
In the end, making it work comes down to the couple. Figure out a plan together and stick to it, and don’t let either families turn you against one another.
So— anyway, how’s your gf/fiance taking it?
Her family is ostensibly trying to protect their daughter and themselves from a deadbeat husband leeching off them for decades.
Their boorish behavior is nonsense but understandable.
Your mother storming out doesn’t help a whole lot.
So, again, what’s your gf’s perspective? She’s kind of important.
So, did she say yes to marriage proposal, but wedding ceremony not yet set up due to her parents’ demands, or she never said yes, but you are still co-habitating?
Either way, have you 2 come to a conclusion on the future path?
Although my girlfriend and I are doing well now, there was some conflict between her family and me due to something, which led to her moving in with me. Everything is great between us at the moment, but I still feel uneasy about not having successfully(she’s family) proposed to her.
I mean, noramlly I and my gf should be blessed by both parents,
but now? I don’t think she’s family are happy if my gf married to me.
but anyway … so far I’m happy now.
Really? I don’t know anyone who has done that.
If you are buying a house together then have both names on the title.
Yup. I have friends who have done this. One lass I have known since she was a young child just got married to her wife. She’s coming to stay at my place with several of her friends so they can do a private wedding party.
Her wifes parents were not happy they got married. My friend has a stable employment in the Navy as a submariner. She also goes around doing recruitment drives for the military.
bah.
I’ve heard a lot about this sort of transaction when people marry into a traditional family here. I guess I got lucky. My wife and I signed papers as the household registration office, and her mom only cares that I can support her and make her happy.
Sorry you have to go through this.
What doesn’t break you makes you stronger.
Sometimes you just gotta plough ahead and take charge, no need to be told what do when you are an adult (says the guy who bought about 5k USD worth of cookies).
Guy
I remember when I first heard about the cookies
If she truly loves you, she will do pretty much anything for you including marrying you without her parents permission blessing. Just ignore them if this is meant to be. It is very likely that their attitude will completely change if you have children. Be gracious when if that time comes.
You can always do a make up banquet for them if they come on board later. Weddings are probably more about the parents than they are about the people getting married. Don’t deny them this great joy when the time is right and after they have dropped their stupid conditions.
Talk to a lawyer about this. A lot may depend on how the house is financed and how you keep your records.
And try to be empathetic even if you disagree. Marriage is extremely important. In the old days, it was crucial that a woman marry well and be economically secure. Otherwise, very bad things can and did happen. There is a rationale behind these customs. They are probably just trying to protect their beloved daughter they best way they know. Of course it can be a total scam or a combination of the two. Marriage brokers perform important services in negotiating these matters.
I know women who married men that had wealth and very bad things did happen. Just because someone has wealth does not mean everything is hunky dory.
I see your point. The cookie thing noted above however seems . . . extreme. And remember: I like cookies! 
Guy
Calling then cookies makes it sound better than what it is. “Cookies”(or 餅乾) here is what I imagine people in the 1600’s ate on boats when they travelled the world. Dry. Tasteless. Biscuits.
There must be at least one of those community dump sites (垃圾瀑布) in rural Taiwan with a million of those biscuit tins in it.