Verbal violence in relationships

Life Dating & Relationships
21

and

So, only four months after you move in he was saying these things. And now he’s done it again? That’s twice in seven months.

You met him and fell for him and you think the world of him and it hasn’t occurred to you yet that he’s just using you for sex. Every guy likes to have a girlfriend, but not every ‘girlfriend’ is valued as a person. You’re there for his convenience, but you’re not a true partner, which is why he goes out drinking with his friends. You’re not really one of his friends, and although he likes to have you around you are also a nuisance. You restrict his freedoms, so he resents you.

And when he’s drunk and fired up he tells you what is hidden deep inside of him. He despises the person you are but tolerates you because you satisfy his sexual urges. He thinks of you as a whore, and you think he’s an awesome boyfriend.

How do you arrive at the conclusion that he’s an ‘awesome’ boyfriend? He may be the best you’ve had so far, but have there been many? (Don’t answer that in public!) What are you measuring him against? He may appear to be awesome but that’s probably because he’s good at deceiving and manipulating you. Underneath the facade lies someone who is quietly congratulating himself for taking advantage of you.

You can talk about it with him and he’ll say whatever he needs to say to get off the hook. Or maybe he’s tired of you already and will tell you to leave. If not today, it’ll happen eventually.

Do it now, on your own terms. Don’t give him any opportunity to make you change your mind as you’ll regret it if you do. Just wait until he next goes out, pack your stuff, and leave. Before you go, take a big black pen and write"I am not a whore" all over every important document of his you can find: passport, degree certificate, diary, everything, every page.

22

I have a young lady friend who has been seeing this western gentleman for a while. She asked me for my opinions, but didn’t like them so didn’t listen. Eventually she came across his diary and read what he really though of her. Just like I said, a convenient receptacle for sperm but not someone you actually want to spend time with.

23

Awesome bf wouldnt call his gf as a “whore”.
This time he yelled at you and what will he do next time??

24

Sugar Cane, he may be an awesome boyfriend but if so why did you start another thread only a week ago about how you guys argue all the time? [How often do you fight with your SO?

An awesome boyfriend would be one that didn’t quarrel in this way. It sounds to me like you two are not really matched at all.

25

Raise your standards, if you let people walk all over you, they will. I would bet money on this happening again. I would also say that the frequency will increase and it will be harder for you to leave. Be strong and make a move. Everyone that has mentioned respect has been accurate. You accepting this suggests a lack of self respect, if you don’t respect yourself, how will anyone else respect you? All the best, I know it isn’t easy. If nothing else, leave until he “changes”. One more thing, let his ass be thrown in the drunk tank next time, you will be doing him a favor.

26

Privacy does not really exist in relationships here.

27

and

So, only four months after you move in he was saying these things. And now he’s done it again? That’s twice in seven months.

You met him and fell for him and you think the world of him and it hasn’t occurred to you yet that he’s just using you for sex. Every guy likes to have a girlfriend, but not every ‘girlfriend’ is valued as a person. You’re there for his convenience, but you’re not a true partner, which is why he goes out drinking with his friends. You’re not really one of his friends, and although he likes to have you around you are also a nuisance. You restrict his freedoms, so he resents you.

And when he’s drunk and fired up he tells you what is hidden deep inside of him. He despises the person you are but tolerates you because you satisfy his sexual urges. He thinks of you as a whore, and you think he’s an awesome boyfriend.

How do you arrive at the conclusion that he’s an ‘awesome’ boyfriend? He may be the best you’ve had so far, but have there been many? (Don’t answer that in public!) What are you measuring him against? He may appear to be awesome but that’s probably because he’s good at deceiving and manipulating you. Underneath the facade lies someone who is quietly congratulating himself for taking advantage of you.

You can talk about it with him and he’ll say whatever he needs to say to get off the hook. Or maybe he’s tired of you already and will tell you to leave. If not today, it’ll happen eventually.

Do it now, on your own terms. Don’t give him any opportunity to make you change your mind as you’ll regret it if you do. Just wait until he next goes out, pack your stuff, and leave. Before you go, take a big black pen and write"I am not a whore" all over every important document of his you can find: passport, degree certificate, diary, everything, every page.[/quote]

:notworthy: :notworthy: :notworthy: :notworthy: :notworthy: :bravo: :bravo: :bravo: :bravo: :bravo: :bravo: :bravo:

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Seems the frequency of his abuse is increasing along with his aggression. Kick him to the curb.

28

If he is only abusive when he is drunk then the chances are pretty good that he is more of an alcoholic than an abusive personality type. Abusive personality types are abusive sober. Alcoholic is still not a great prognosis but one that might prevent you from resorting to all manner of angry, hysterical behaviour as suggested by some of the other psychological geniuses so far on this thread. Nobody here follows you around and knows what your relationship is like, how you might even be contributing to his behaviours, both good and bad. Don’t take our advice as anything more than rantings. Half the people here are just jealous and would encourage you to break up with just about anybody.

29
30

Fighting is good
fighting is fun
if not for fighting
you’d need to smile all the time.

31

just leave him as quick as possible…

to be drunk is no excuse for such behaviour. my experience tell me he will never change, probably become even worse with the time…

verbal violence is just the beginning after awhile physical violence will follow.

think about that…

greez from switzerland

32

I don’t think that physical abuse always follows verbal abuse. Some people just get off on the power dynamic of using words to put another person down. And some people are just assholes when they are drunk.

Either way; however, being called a whore by the person who is supposed to love and respect you is enough reason to leave. It’s easier said than done, but you’ll feel better about yourself in the long run if you can get the strength to do it. Fortunately, there are other men out there and if you look hard enough, you’ll eventually find one that suits you and treats you well. But that can only happen if you weed out the losers that you come across in between. So get out there. Get rid of this zero and find yourself a hero, girl! :slight_smile:

33

I love Sandman’s post above. I’d like to add that, to me, this sounds like a co-dependant relationship. One of my best friends followed me to Taiwan and moved in with the first guy to pay her any attention. He played in a band and did sound for others, so was always hungover all day and in a bar all night. When they’d been together for a few months, he started to speak to her like your “awsome” boyfriend is speaking to you. Then he started throwing kinves at her and breaking down doors to get to her when she’d locked herself in another room to aviod him. He even ran after her and ripped the clothes off her body to prevent her from leaving the house to get away from him. All this while drunk, of course, and shouting at her, “Do you know how much I love you!.”

This man bragged to my husband about the other girls he was with and how he lied to my friend all the time.

Finally, my friend’s boyfired forbade her to show up at clubs where he was working.

Then she got pregnant. No amount of talking sense helped. She married the bastard. Now she’s in an even worse place. She won’t leave. She feels like she can’t. She’s co-dependant and lives for the drama he causes in her life. Never mind that she’s never going to be successfull financially. Never mind what all this crap is doing to their daughter.

Please. It’s been only 7 months. Move out. If you can’t do that finacially by yourself, let us know at Forumosa. I bet someone has some links to help for abused women, or some other resources. Just don’t be like my friend. She’s like a sister to me, but boy did she screw up with this guy.

And, I know you think you love this guy, but YOU DON’T LOVE HIM. Really. This is not what love is like. And his verbal abuse really IS the first step. Then the pushing, slapping, punching, choaking. Women really do die of relationships.

34

[quote=“sugar cane”]my boyfriend just lost his temper again this morning…after a night out drinking with his buddies. he got hit by a car and the car ran away. when the police came, they didn’t understand him and he was too drunk to listen to people. so the police called me and I had to apologize a hundred times to prevent them putting him in the jail…because when I got there, he was poingting at the police’s faces and yelling fuck you and of course he was very drunk… the police let us go without taking it further…thank god for this!!!

on our way home, he started to yell at me too…“get the fuck out of my house”…we’ve lived together for 7 months now…“slut” “you are a fucking whore” “I wish you be lonely when you get old” …well, there were a lot more…he accused me being selfish too…I was the one that was waiting and being worried at home all night

he peobably will forget what happened just now and beg for forgiveness when he wakes up…he can forget what he says to me but wouldn’t forget I said I regret for moving in[/quote]

He is an asshole and you are a willing victim. A match made in heaven :unamused:

Drunk or sober yelling fuck you at cops and calling you a whore is not normal, emotionally mature behavior, nor is finding ways to marginalize or justify his behavior.

Run as fast as you can.

35

[quote]Emotional Abuse: The Victim and Abuser
An emotionally abusive marriage consists of a victim and an abuser. Dr. Phil has something to say to both.

The Abuser

Have you thought about how your actions truly affect your partner? Even when you stop the abuse, the pain continues because you’ve trampled on your loved one’s heart and spirit.

Dr. Phil defines an abuser as both a coward and a bully. You choose to abuse where it is safe, in a place where you feel loved and protected. Would you do it in the workplace where you might get fired or in a social situation where others might get insulted?

You need to understand that respect is commanded, not demanded. If you think degrading and belittling your partner commands respect, you’re wrong. You are simply demanding by imposing fear.

All abusers have excuses, says Dr. Phil. While the excuses vary, one principle remains: You are abusing instead of being constructive.

If you want to recover — for yourself and your partner — you need to tell yourself: “I’m not going to take this from me anymore.” Sit down with your partner, look into his/her eyes, and apologize for the wounds you’ve inflicted over time.

Healing is a process. Rescuing your relationship will take patience and persistence.

The Victim

Take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship this way, and you must play a role in changing it. Telling your partner that the treatment is unacceptable is not enough. Your actions speak louder than words, so you need to make two bold moves: Change your own routine or behavior, and tell your partner you will no longer take the abuse.

Dr. Phil refers to a saying: “There are no victims, only volunteers.” Don’t go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace at all.

Relationships are always up for renegotiation. You need to sit down with your partner, look him/her in the eyes, and tell him/her that you are taking a stand. You will not stay in the relationship if the abuse continues. From there, begin to negotiate. Figure out how both of you can take strides to make the marriage work.

Watch yourself to make sure you don’t fall back into the victim role. [/quote]

Symptons of Emotional Abuse:
[color=darkblue]An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don’t have time to think about what’s right and what’s wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it’s obvious that they aren’t okay…:

Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?[/color]

The Verbal Abuser Read this website by Patricia Evans along with her book on Verbal/Emotional abuse. It’s an excellent book.