I think the correct phrase is
“I’m not that Keoni”
Has anyone talked about how open people are about their digestive issues here? I get regular emails from my students that they missed class due to diarrhea, which I think is a little TMI. I can’t imagine a female uni student sending that to her male professor in the states, but okay sure… different culture, I get it. But the email I got today for why a student missed her midterm topped it, due to the language used: “I had bad craps and stayed at home for a rest that day.” 
how about if a female student sends you email saying she came down with a bad case of the crabs
Could be a typo, who knows. 
I’d be impressed if she’s well-versed in that kind of slang.
Go in for the kill? After her crabs cleared up of course.
Cramps. Cramps from her period! 
Lol whooops
was that a penny i hear dropping
Par for the course here in Taiwan, it seems. Female students only need to say they are “uncomfortable,” and the cause is evident. I have heard terms from my uni students including: MC, period, menses, menstrual pain/cramps/discomfort, woman problems. Others don’t know the translation and either use Chinese or vivid descriptions.
Honestly, not sure why it’s taboo to Westerners, given Taiwanese have folk culture myths/superstitions about a woman’s period. Here, we all seem to discuss medical issues openly. I have definitely acculturated in that sense. Yeah, asking me “how are you?” could lead down a path of maladies of the intestinal variety.
Last week, a student told me that she had been absent last week due to visiting a doctor. I started to ask what was wrong and if she was OK (lingering COVIDphobia), before stopping myself and saying “Sorry, that’s personal. You don’t need to explain.” She wanted to explain and went into detail on her UTI and the meds she was taking, how bad it hurt to pee, and how her periods made it worse. I told her about my UTI as a prepubescent kid, and how I always had to pee (every 20 minutes). Strangely enough, we kind of “connected” through this conversation.
I bought pads for my GF at 7-11 the girl working there got a paper bag for the package… Similar to how they waste paper wrapping alcohol bottles in America. Told her I didn’t need it and she started to act very strange and her face went red.
That’s quite an odd encounter.
She’s a keeper! And…you’re single!
哈哈， apart from the fact I am old enough to be her father, and she’s my student… Add in a few (dozen) good reasons I’m still single and it looks like things are gonna stay that way 
I don’t get the whining about minor illnesses/afflictions. For ten years at my uni, I’ve never missed a day. I feel sick a lot of the time, but still go to work.
My father had a stroke. I went to work the next day.
My mother died. I went to work the next day.
You’ve got a sniffle and can’t come in? Sorry. You’re marked absent, no matter how many “doctor’s notes” you shove in my face.
I’m usually with Jimi on this one, but with the coronavirus situation we’ve been advised from the top to NOT be a hardass at this time and to be as flexible as possible to avoid having anyone who actually may be infected show up.
Guy
… and that you should get checked too. 
I agree, and have been considerably more flexible of late. I don’t want sick students in my classrooms spreading their vile diseases.
However, the lazy phone-tappers are usually more adept at finding ways to weasel out of coming to class, and a lame cough is a perfect excuse.
So be it. Without the benefit of classroom learning and exchange, they’ll be at a disadvantage when the test shows up. : D
Guy
Ah, but you seem to forget that Taiwanese students are particularly adept at test-taking. It’s just a matter of spotting important shit from the book, the night before.
Our tests are multiple-choice, so comprehension takes a backseat.
If it were based on grammar and vocabulary, they would be truly fucked.