This is from a temped thread, but has merit for discussion. – Mod.
Why DO women so often fall for men who they know aren’t good for them?
Why do men make poor dating choices? Why do people make poor decisions in a whole range of areas? Because they’re human and irrational. People may be really, really good at one area of their lives. They may be the kinds of people that ask all sorts of tough questions in certain areas of their lives, but don’t do the same in others. As I wrote, they’re irrational like that.
Previously, the institution of marriage (and that’s really all that existed – there was no playing the field) was really a social/economic contract between families, and so families made these decisions for practical reasons, and the romantic feelings of the potential bride and groom were left out of it in the main. It wasn’t a perfect system and it’s not one I’d want to be part of, but it probably circumvented a lot of irrationality. Now that the principle factor in partnerships so often seems to, at least openly, be “love” – something completely irrational – why would it surprise anyone that all sorts of mayhem would ensue?
I don’ know. Like Tom, I’ve seen lots of perfectly sane, rational women get involved with men who really are discredit to the human race, much less their own gender. I’ve even done this myself.
Hell, I still get hung up an the Spaniard every once in a while.
I had a professor who became a great friend, too. This woman had raised two sons, put herself through school, was a very intelligent professor and great teacher, and was beautiful, too. But she still chose to be with an abusive widower than to be alone. He made her miserable for a lot of years before she finally called it quits. Simply because there was no one else around that was the right age, income, or education level for her. She’d rather have a man who subtracted from her, than no man at all.
I’m much, much happier being alone than I was with my ex. He made me miserable. I should have know that would happen. Well, honestly, I think I did know it would happen. But for me, if I can’t find a relationship that adds to me, that makes me a better person, then I don’t feel like I need it. And I don’t want to be with a person that I have nothing to offer, either. If I don’t have anything to offer to the guy, then why should he want me? (Not talking about sex, of course.)
[quote=“housecat”]
I had a professor who became a great friend, too. This woman had raised two sons, put herself through school, was a very intelligent professor and great teacher, and was beautiful, too. But she still chose to be with an abusive widower than to be alone. He made her miserable for a lot of years before she finally called it quits. Simply because there was no one else around that was the right age, income, or education level for her. She’d rather have a man who subtracted from her, than no man at all.
I’m much, much happier being alone than I was with my ex. He made me miserable. I should have know that would happen. Well, honestly, I think I did know it would happen. But for me, if I can’t find a relationship that adds to me, that makes me a better person, then I don’t feel like I need it. And I don’t want to be with a person that I have nothing to offer, either. If I don’t have anything to offer to the guy, then why should he want me? (Not talking about sex, of course.)[/quote]
Hey, you and I think alike 
Effectively, despite all of the things that you think are amazing about the professor, she doesn’t have much self-esteem and therefore feels worthless on her own. Abusive men confirm your feelings of worthlessness and enforce the idea that you’re not worth anything better, so why bother?
But almost every plonker or nasty ass spouse (male or female) started out the relationship being really sweet and charming. Once you’re hooked and they and their opinions matter to you, that’s when things change.
[quote=“housecat”]
Why DO women so often fall for men who they know aren’t good for them?[/quote]
Same reason as men?
To hell with good, this could be fun!
[quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]
But almost every plonker or nasty ass spouse (male or female) started out the relationship being really sweet and charming. Once you’re hooked and they and their opinions matter to you, that’s when things change.[/quote]
Always beware of charm. A lot of people in the UK got taken in by Tony Blair’s charm in 1997 - big mistake 
! If only we’d stuck with reliably dull Major.
However, falling for initial charm isn’t always an excuse. For example, a good friend of mine married a competely useless twat of a chap. I remember her saying to me after years of totally unsatisfactory married life that it was her own fault because she knew what he was like when she married him 
. It begged the question: why marry him in the first place? As GIT points out - rational behaviour and relationships seem to be like oil and water.
Why do PEOPLE make poor dating choices would be a topic more worthy of discussion. Do you really think that it’s just women who go for guys that turn out to be bad for them ?
And hey, if the guy is wrong for the girl, it could just be that the girl is wrong for the guy too. Incompatibility, two to tango and all that. And yes, just like GIT said, we are all human and make mistakes. All part of the learning experience. Eventually you are going to hope that you end up with the person that is right for you.
Bad dating choices, many times its just desperation.
Men often make very poor choices when it comes to their girlfriends too. Case in point tommy525 (i would not do the same girls again given a redo).
[quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]
But almost every plonker or nasty ass spouse (male or female) started out the relationship being really sweet and charming. Once you’re hooked and they and their opinions matter to you, that’s when things change.[/quote]
This actually scares me… Will I unevitably become a nasty ass spouse? Because I really don’t want to…
Do they? Or is this just a social meme that people have grown to believe?
Why do women make such poor dating choices? Simple! As if you needed to know. 
They have the capacity to answer back.
For dating choices, choose sheep, people. ALL of the cuddliness and none of the crap about doing the dishes or taking out the garbage.
Honestly, sometimes I get the feeling I’m SURROUNDED by idiots.
[quote=“sandman”]Why do women make such poor dating choices? Simple! As if you needed to know. 
They have the capacity to answer back.
For dating choices, choose sheep, people. ALL of the cuddliness and none of the crap about doing the dishes or taking out the garbage.
Honestly, sometimes I get the feeling I’m SURROUNDED by idiots.[/quote]
It’s not nice to call a sheep an idiot. 
I guess I didn’t give this thread a very good title. I also admit that it seems quite simple. People are people and all make mistakes. But when you watch friends and loved ones keep letting some man beat them up, or use them, or lie and cheat, or otherwise treat them like crap, you start to wonder. When you find yourself speeding off the rails towards the same situation and have jump, you start to wonder again. How the hell did that happen to YOU? You saw your friends and their problems so damn clearly, from miles away. How did you end up just like them?
Maybe it’s just comming from Arkansas. Maybe there is a lot more of this kind of thing in Arkansas, or even the general South/Delta region. I don’t know.
And of course, men make bad choices, too. Just that tom mentioned women not being able to spot “plonkerhood” or something the like. It just got me thinking again.
Just for those who might not be aware of the definition of “plonkerhood”: a short clip of Rodney, the archetypal Plonker, from Only Fools and Horses.
[quote=“Ryan the third”][quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]
But almost every plonker or nasty ass spouse (male or female) started out the relationship being really sweet and charming. Once you’re hooked and they and their opinions matter to you, that’s when things change.[/quote]
This actually scares me… Will I unevitably become a nasty ass spouse? Because I really don’t want to…[/quote]
Just stop and think about your actions from your spouse’s point of view every so often. Put yourself in there shoes and see if you would have a problem being treated like that. Do it regularly and you should realize when you’ve been being extra grouchy or a bit selfish lately.
[quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”][quote=“Ryan the third”][quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]
But almost every plonker or nasty ass spouse (male or female) started out the relationship being really sweet and charming. Once you’re hooked and they and their opinions matter to you, that’s when things change.[/quote]
This actually scares me… Will I inevitably become a nasty ass spouse? Because I really don’t want to…[/quote]
Just stop and think about your actions from your spouse’s point of view every so often. Put yourself in there shoes and see if you would have a problem being treated like that. Do it regularly and you should realize when you’ve been being extra grouchy or a bit selfish lately.[/quote]
I do that. But if its inevitable it won’t make a difference in the long run… because no matter how awesome I am now I will inevitably turn bad at some point in the future :s
[quote=“Ryan the third”][quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”][quote=“Ryan the third”][quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]
But almost every plonker or nasty ass spouse (male or female) started out the relationship being really sweet and charming. Once you’re hooked and they and their opinions matter to you, that’s when things change.[/quote]
This actually scares me… Will I inevitably become a nasty ass spouse? Because I really don’t want to…[/quote]
Just stop and think about your actions from your spouse’s point of view every so often. Put yourself in there shoes and see if you would have a problem being treated like that. Do it regularly and you should realize when you’ve been being extra grouchy or a bit selfish lately.[/quote]
I do that. But if its inevitable it won’t make a difference in the long run… because no matter how awesome I am now I will inevitably turn bad at some point in the future :s[/quote]
That sounds like you’re just excusing yourself in advance. Hold yourself up to a higher standard and make sure you meet it!
Everybody has their off days, but having one day out of 100 where my SO yells and is grumpy for no apparent reason won’t make me think he’s an asshole, I’ll just think he’s having a bad day.
[quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”][quote=“Ryan the third”][quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”][quote=“Ryan the third”][quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]
But almost every plonker or nasty ass spouse (male or female) started out the relationship being really sweet and charming. Once you’re hooked and they and their opinions matter to you, that’s when things change.[/quote]
This actually scares me… Will I inevitably become a nasty ass spouse? Because I really don’t want to…[/quote]
Just stop and think about your actions from your spouse’s point of view every so often. Put yourself in there shoes and see if you would have a problem being treated like that. Do it regularly and you should realize when you’ve been being extra grouchy or a bit selfish lately.[/quote]
I do that. But if its inevitable it won’t make a difference in the long run… because no matter how awesome I am now I will inevitably turn bad at some point in the future :s[/quote]
That sounds like you’re just excusing yourself in advance. Hold yourself up to a higher standard and make sure you meet it!
Everybody has their off days, but having one day out of 100 where my SO yells and is grumpy for no apparent reason won’t make me think he’s an asshole, I’ll just think he’s having a bad day.[/quote]
Not really excusing anything since nasty ass spouse stuff is in all cases inexcusable.
I don’t yell and if I am ever grumpy I try to make damn sure that she does not suffer from it.
My point is that I am not sure if it can always stay like that. Will a relationship inevitably change me towards the dark side no matter what I do? Because it seems like its either: “Oh I cant believe she is going out with that abusive moron” or “He was so nice at first and now he showed his real personality”
The kind of relationship that starts well and stays that way seems not to exist and since I am definetly not the first case I guess I am most likely the second case that is nice at first and then turns bad. Right now I do not see a real risk for that, but since it seems to happen nearly everytime in pretty much every relationship that I see I am kinda scared that I will also inevitably turn bad no matter what I do just because the world and human nature works that way.
[quote=“Ryan the third”]
Not really excusing anything since nasty ass spouse stuff is in all cases inexcusable.
I don’t yell and if I am ever grumpy I try to make damn sure that she does not suffer from it.
My point is that I am not sure if it can always stay like that. Will a relationship inevitably change me towards the dark side no matter what I do? Because it seems like its either: “Oh I cant believe she is going out with that abusive moron” or “He was so nice at first and now he showed his real personality”
The kind of relationship that starts well and stays that way seems not to exist and since I am definetly not the first case I guess I am most likely the second case that is nice at first and then turns bad. Right now I do not see a real risk for that, but since it seems to happen nearly everytime in pretty much every relationship that I see I am kinda scared that I will also inevitably turn bad no matter what I do just because the world and human nature works that way.[/quote]
I know plenty of people who are together into their old age and in a nice, loving, happy relationship. There are more good relationships than bad, we just hear about the bad more!
I’d figure that since you’re worried about becoming a nasty spouse, that worry will actually stop you from ever doing it.
tsu: Aren’t divorces (at least in America) at about 50%? By definition, a marriage that ends in divorce was a bad relationship. Then, of the remaining 50%, not all would be good relationships, I think we’d admit. So therefore, I don’t believe you can say that there are more good relationships than bad, at least not if the above assumption is true.