Unreasonable (or reasonable??) Financial Expectations


#49

A couple of points.

  1. Nothing too out of the ordinary here for taiwanese girls. Tw guys wont have problems with this. They are happy the be ‘manly’ and pay for their woman. You simply have a normal tw girl. The problem is you decided to marry her.

Which brings me to point 2. You knew that you had this problem and you still decided to marry her? What else is there to say man. Personally i pay for a fair bit of stuff, major costs like holidays i will pay but i have explained if she wants someone to pay for everything in an entitled sort of way then she can go ask daddy because i have BILLS.


#50

It may not work for everybody but in our household there no “my money” or “your money”. There’s only “our money”.
We both bring something to the pot and pay all the bills from there. Any extra expense or investment we decide TOGETHER what to do.
Of course there’s some reasonable allowance we both can enjoy, but everything else is discussed before spending. :2cents:


#51

I should clarify by saying that we found out she was pregnant a week after I broke it off. We decided to give things another go for the sake of the child and so had quite a few candid discussions regarding our attitudes towards money. I felt that we had reached an agreement (either handle all the housework and I pay for everything or continue working and we equally share the financial and domestic responsibilities), but everything returned to square 1 shortly after the marriage was official.

Obviously she has other redeeming qualities that balance out these money problems. In-laws are easygoing and treat me really well, she has solid principles and moral integrity, she gives me plenty of space and never gets jealous under normal circumstances, etc. Her only flaws are an extremely skewed attitude towards financial responsibility and a red hot temper that can get quite disrespectful at times. The problem is that these two issues are practically deal-breakers for me and I really don’t know if putting up with it for the sake of a kid and the benefits of her other qualities is worth it in the end. So I’m just wondering if there’s a change of mindset that can help me get over this hump or if it really is such an essential issue like I feel it is and I should nip this in the bud.


#52

I’ve run into this issue as well. We got married last year and I let her open up a bank account for our business. Next thing I know I don’t have access to any of the money in our business account and she has final say on anything we buy. Its a dog’s life.


#53

Have you tried to tell her that this is really a deal breaker? I mean, sometimes they think this is something you don’t like but will do anyway. If they really feel how important this is for you and that they’ll be no relationship otherwise, they may try to change.


#54

Have you ever talked with her about a long term financial plan/expectation, such as kid’s education, buying a property, etc, and how much saving your family would need?


#55

I’d say the combination of these two is a definite deal breaker (would be for me anyway). Is it too late for an abortion? You should have come here for advice before tying the knot.


#56

Marrying for the sake of the child is a bad idea. It will not work out in the long run.
Make sure you save up money if it goes south. You will need it for legal proceedings during a divorce and the dirty battle for custody if you care about the child.
She will have support from her family. You are pretty much on your own.


#57

My kid is almost 2 months old now so I’d say it’s a bit too late for an abortion :stuck_out_tongue:

She’s working on the temper. It still flares up from time to time. It’s less than before, but I think no one should be disrespecting the other at all in a mature relationship. As for the money issues, I’ve told her it’s a deal breaker not to go 50/50 and likewise she’s said it’s a deal breaker for her to be so clear cut. For the sake of the child we tried to force out a compromise:

  1. I cover all the rent
  2. We go 50/50 on family expenses, including major things like buying a house, education fees, retirement funds, and the like.
  3. We consider expenses under 500 NT to be a personal expense even if it’s for the other person, such as me going out to buy breakfast for her. Otherwise she’ll feel it’s too clear cut to be calculating minor expenses.
  4. She still refuses to contribute more than I do even in times of need because then it would be her taking care of me and god forbid for that to ever happen.

#2 is fine. #1 and #3 is iffy because rent is a significant expense and I’m usually the one running out to rack up those small bills so they actually add up quite a bit over a month. And #4 was the real stickler because that’s just BS. The argument I used was that what if during her pregnancy I refused to help her carry things and only did as much as she could manage? Wouldn’t she be angry that I’m purposefully holding back despite having the means to help her out? She said real men wouldn’t do that. But somehow it’s fine for women to do the same? So things went down the crapper from there and everything just fell apart. Again.


#58

Obviously she is very immature . Been there before to be honest. Two choices. Try and wait for her to grow up or leave.


#59

its a pretty rough situation. you are likely to conflict about it in future as the guy paying for everything is what she is into,obviously there is a kid involved so she should be responsible about it. but i wouldn’t expect her to change her ways to be honest.


#60

I’d stop all physical contact and tell her I want a divorce because anyone who uses and abuses another person obviously doesn’t love them. I’d start living my own life outside the home while negotiating the terms of the divorce.


#61

Fuck it it’s not worth being married to the wrong person just for the kid. Split with my gf who was a drama queen with violent tendencies, within a year met the wife haven’t looked back.
No more bullshit and enjoy being married to the right person. If I had a kid with the ex gf would have been a nightmare cos would have rushed into marriage as well, just fortunate didn’t happen, thats the truth .

I give my wife a good chunk of money every month as I am the sole earner. I pay all big stuff like rent too. She looks after the monthly groceries and bills, all the kids stuff. She saves a bit of money too. I gamble half of mine on cryptocurrency the rest I waste on beer.

I trust my wife and she trusts me even generally. Thats important. Trust and respect.


#62

This is exactly the way it works in our household as well. Everything goes into one pot and we discuss any big purchases.


#63

Just out of curiosity, what is she doing with her money? Is she building up retirement savings, giving it to her parents, or buying stuff for herself? You said she’s responsible with money. Is she just cheaper all around? On the combined goals (retirement, education, saving for a house) are you each putting money into a joint account, or saving separately? Do either of you have debt?


#64

Her logic is like this. Suppose at the moment we both make 50k a month. I put in my 50k, she puts in her 50k, and we have a combined total of 100k for monthly expenses. Cool. But if one day I’m only able to pull in say 30k for whatever reason but she still continues to make 50k, then she’ll only at most match my 30k contribution for a combined total of 60k a month. She’s perfectly fine with saving money all around and making changes to fit our lifestyle within that 60k budget, but she won’t put in that extra 20k for the simple fact that she refuses to contribute more than me. As for what she does with that extra 20k is her own business, she feels. As far as I know she doesn’t have any debt and her parents don’t need any financial support from us so she’s just keeping it for herself.

I feel that this is a messed up and selfish logic. Combining our salaries can mean a better life for the entire family, so why hold back and force the family to live within the means of a smaller budget while you’re putting money in a private stash? Just so you can say that you’re being taken care of by not having to provide more than the man does? It makes no sense at all. And of course the reverse would never fly. If I made 50k but she only made 30k and I was only willing to match her 30k contribution even if it meant taking everyone’s living standards down a notch, she would just completely lose it.


#65

She’s a feminist but only when it suits her terms.

So the man pays all the money over is she going to look after your parents when they are old, help them with all their religious duties , go there for Xmas, do the cooking ?


#66

Yeah, I think that’s basically it.


#67

I am female, and I have always worked and paid more than half. I also grow tired of being called names, which I do not retaliate to. In the long run there is only one solution.

She hadn’t made any promises to change before you married, or so it seems from your narrative. I was rather surprised you wrote that you did “tie the knot” - around your own neck.
Lots of people, both male and female, change after marriage. Your now spouse seems to have just stayed the same. What did you expect?

Things will only become worse if she does decide to stay home from work, have a baby and more time for shopping.

Figure out what she has that you can’t live without, then make a decision. Obviously, if you are willing to carry on like this for so long, and into marriage there must be some reason you stay with her.


#68

Who is taking care of your 2 months old child ?