Advice for marriage difficulties

Rent in Taoyuan is very affordable. But I definitely wouldn’t be willing to give up that house.

I hate to say this, but the house was purchased in her name. I know that was stupid stupid mistake made on my behalf a number of years ago.

The problem is if she stays in the house, I am paying the loan, my accommodation and I guess some child support, together that all add’s up.

Since the place is in her name, you can just let her take over the payments if she wants to keep it. How many years left on the mortgage? Maybe this prospect will make her start to appreciate everything you do for her and the kids.

6 Likes

@lost_in_translation, disregard this if you think it has zero relevance, but how did you two meet and how long before marriage?

1 Like

Just echoing Milkers comments , you can propose that you will not be able to make payments anymore on it once you have to move out. If she lists you on the deed, you can talk about it. Others here may know the law regarding separation of assets i.e. if your mortgage contributions will be recognised. You cannot continue paying the same way and no change after you move out and/or initiate divorce.

Oh yeah and lots of advice says you shouldn’t move out prior to the divorce . Don’t know about that.

Yes, we discussed previously moving it to my name and when she investigated she said there would be stamp duty and some other tax, no problem with that, but it seemed like transferring of house to me would affect the loan and it would also need to be renegotiated.

I don’t know about loans and ARC holders, the loan is with Citibank currently.

I didn’t push it any further at that time. Since we are not divorced yet, discussions regarding ownership of the house can be a little touchy. At one point she said all I cared about was money and she wanted nothing from me.

You keep all the assets you came into the marriage with. Assets accumulated post-marriage get split fifty-fifty.

In that case, it’ll hurt.

Didn’t you say you have most of your money invested overseas?

Here’s a suggestion: Both of you go to couples counseling. TOGETHER, this weekend. There are plenty of places in Taipei/ New Taipei with bilingual counselors. If you think they’re shit, try Betterhelp or other online services. Gawk at the price or accept that it’s cheaper than an attorney and uprooting your life (especially if you have kids cuz you’ll end up depressed and/or in therapy anyway. harsh reality check)

Next (or first. or at the same time), get individual counseling. For yourself and your S/O and maybe your kids if they’re acting out.
You need to both work out your own problems and problems with each other. Someone who’s been trained in this will not just tell you to get a divorce. They will help you see what you’re doing right and wrong, and help your wife see what she’s doing right and wrong. If at the end you both feel like it’s hopeless, then end it. But working through your problems with someone who isn’t emotionally invested in either of you is going to get you a lot farther than sitting around twiddling your thumbs or asking random people online.
Relationship problems are NEVER one sided, and working with a (good) counselor can help you to see what’s up and allow you to decide for yourself what the next steps need to be.

2 Likes

Listen to @nz, OP.
Divorce may be an answer, but it’s not the only one.

1 Like

Yes, but it was acquired post-marriage and part of it was used as the deposit to our house so my wife is aware of it. I don’t think I can hide it.

Thanks @nz my wife already has individual counseling for herself and has had 10 or so sessions and it is ongoing. That is one of things where I work from home so she can attend.

I am working on getting couples counseling, not this weekend as my wife has exams but soon.
I said I was not emotionally feeling up to taking care of the kids this weekend after our last argument, so I will only have our daughter that is sick and the other two of them will go to her brother this weekend.

From what I understand couples counseling is a mix of sessions together and individual sessions.

I know things are never one sided.

2 Likes

Agree with this assessment 100%. If you don’t have at least an APRC at the minimum, you’re in no position to divorce. If you divorce without at least having an APRC, you’re so screwed.

2 Likes

I have many foreigner guy- Taiwanese wife friends here and trust me when I say this: you are doing a great job! I would say you are on the top 1% of the foreigners here who do such things and even the Taiwanese-Taiwanese couples. The me I see have so much less responsibilities under their wing. Financially, yes, but not preparing breakfast for kids AND taking them to school AND helping out at home when they are back from office, it just doesn’t exist here. It is one of those things, not ALL of them.

I think your wife doesn’t want to divorce you but she also has no interest in you anymore. And I do believe she will have an affair that is better than you (in her mind) if she get the opportunity. And then it would take time but she would divorce you in a few years after her assets are in order (meaning she could guarantee yours would be hers). Otherwise I see no reason why she has to stay after classes, have lunch on weekends etc. she might really be with friends and classmates and no other guy in particular. But that means she doesn’t want to spend time with you or the kids any more than extremely necessary. That’s not a wife and not a mother. You don’t become a part time wife or part time mother. She absolutely has all rights to study whatever she wants and work wherever she wants, but before that she is a wife and a mother. She should not go out every weekend after her seminars nor stay out with her classmates after class during the week. As soon as classes are finish she should go back home for her KIDS! If she wants a night out or lunch etc to feel she is still an individual then by all means she should do so, but something like once a month or 2 a month. That’s the sacrifice we must do when we become parents. What about weekends with you and the kids? What times do the kids have to play out? Or they just go to school during the week and are home every weekend ?

As for your schedule I really think your are overloaded. There are many cram schools/ kindergarten who will take your child until 8pm (if that’s what you need). You would pay a miserable fee bucks per month for the extra hour. For the kids in school age that are off school at 4pm, find a close buxiban near their school and they will also pick up your kids from the school and walk with them to the buxiban, from there they will have a few hours of class and do homework. Easy peasy problem solved. Then after dinner you or your wife pick the kids up. Then that means she has all the time to herself and the weekends or late night she should be with her family. If that still continues after changing to this arrangement I would brace for the worse.

As mentioned above, your best friend is the APRC. Regardless of your job regardless if you are friends with your wife, this is survival. Second is: don’t invest anymore financially here until this situation is solved. And by the way, forget about this house. The loan being in your name and the house in hers will really have you in bad terms because if you divorce the bank won’t have the house as collateral, so I don’t even have a clue how the bank would deal with it, if they would ask another collateral.

9 Likes

Yeah…no, not in reality. The woman wants it all and wants you to be banished from Taiwan forever.

2 Likes

That’s what the law says, but of course you need a plan and a really good lawyer to make it reality.

2 Likes

Hi, I actually met both you and your wife recently.

My advice: many Taiwanese women subconsciously mimic their parents relationship, and most Taiwanese relationships are tense. The man usually lords it over the woman, and the women find ways to passive aggressively resist. I’ve seen younger Taiwanese women copy this and create tension in a perfectly good relationship. I think if you could stand to be more assertive, she would feel more secure as that would mimic her father/mother relationship she saw growing up.

A bit of insight is that both of you are slightly eccentric in your own ways, but this makes you perfect for each other. I think you can work things out if you as a husband and father were more assertive and decisive.

3 Likes

One problem…her parents are divorced.

@Lao_Wang Is it bad I don’t recognize who you are (I have an idea but I am not certain)?

Ultimately I am scared to be assertive and I don’t really know where the line is in terms of what to be assertive on. Any times I have tried to stand up, usually results in an argument and threat of divorce, should I just ignore that? I just feel standing up makes the situation more strained than it already is.

I might be wrong but I truly believe if I gave her an ultimatum she would leave me.