All men will cheat, wife wants 100% control of money -- help

Legal Legal - Marriage
1

Is it a Taiwanese cultural normality for the wife to be 100% in control of the finances?

There were no vows exchanged at our wedding … nothing expressing eternal trust or commitment. Just an acceptance to be husband and wife was exchanged. This has always bothered me in the back of my mind. We have been doing everything the Taiwanese way with no room or effort to add a bit of western culture into things.

My wife’s family has an ongoing history of infidelity and financial hardships and irresponsibility. She confessed to me last night that due to her family history and Taiwanese habits, she doesn’t trust men to be loyal. Her Aunts and mother have all brain-trained her to feel this way.

I am trying to deprogram that kind of thinking. I am not Taiwanese, I would never even think of cheating let alone cheat … I have expressed this to her but she still feels the same and because she feels this way, she wants me to give her 100% control of our finances … not even allowing me to have my name on the bank account. I just can’t agree to this. I think a relationship/marriage has to be 100/100 when it comes to trust. I feel we should have a joint account and work on our finances together.

What should I do? What kind of experiences have you married folk had? Are Taiwanese women naturally programmed to be paranoid about cheating … do they really think it is in the nature of men to cheat and that inevitably it will happen? That is just crazy!

2

Try it. Watch how she handles the money.
See if the bills get paid, if she understands investing/saving for the future, etc.

If you are genuinely, concerned work with her to educate her about money matters. Explain that its your concern for both of your futures and your family with her that you want to plan for.

Trust is hard to build and easy to lose.

3

[quote=“TainanCowboy”]Try it. Watch how she handles the money.
See if the bills get paid, if she understands investing/saving for the future, etc.

If you are genuinely, concerned work with her to educate her about money matters. Explain that its your concern for both of your futures and your family with her that you want to plan for.

Trust is hard to build and easy to lose.[/quote]

Thanks TainanCowboy, your words are true.

There are things that I am finding out now that were not made known to me before we got married. For example: her mom took out a huge loan to buy a house for her business…she now expects her daughter (my wife) to pay her 10,000 NT a month to help pay off the loan. Something we never were a part of. She is also expected to contribute to her sister’s university expenses. How can we possibly save for our future if we are taking care of the rest of her family? She says this is normal and expected in Taiwanese culture.

I dont mind helping, but only when we are financialy stable ourselves. My head is spinning right now. When I asked her to open a joint bank account with me, she said that there is no such thing in Taiwan. You cant have 2 names on one account. Is this true??? I find it hard to believe.

4

How long have you been married?
Hasn’t this issue come up before the wedding?
She should trust you 100% or else why marry you? I understand the “fear” or jealousy, but to me, she is going a bit to far.
These, money and trust, are important issues and should be discussed before marriage.
I guess it’s not a sudden thing, her asking control over the money, so what happened?

5

TMK -
Welcome to Taiwan. Its your family, you have to make decisions for it or else…?

Re: Bank Accounts - I have my name on one of our bank accounts. I deposit and withdraw from it and everyone at the bank knows me. I use either her ‘chop’ or my own ‘chop’ on the paperwork. I also have an account for our boy which I sometimes use. These are different from my business accounts.

You should establish banking procedures which are beneficial to your family needs.

As to the NT$10k a month extortion, this is a common ploy played on ‘foreigners’ who marry Taiwan women.

Do you want to be exploited like this? Now’s the time to decide what your future is going to be.
I’m certain others will chime in with other advice.

6

I don’t think it is a good idea to hand over such things to somebody you hardly know, like your wife (straight from Tigerman’s Highschool analogies). However, I believe it’s true that when we get married we don’t really know the person we are marrying, we are simply making a commitment to potential and our better judgment. So why on earth would you want to jeopardize all that by letting that person take 100% control of the money you earn? What do you know about their ability to handle such responsibility? How would you feel if they intended on frittering it away, giving it to their parents, racking up credit card debt? I would never do such a thing as a matter of course, but I would have no problem with doing it after they set alight to my funeral pyre.

7

From what I heard this is part of Taiwanese culture. Actually, (and I don’t mean to sound harsh), but that’s something you should have known. Maybe not the details but that the children do provide for their parents and siblings is very common in Asia.

I doubt it, but if true just open two accounts - one for you and one for her (the latter being the shared account for household expenses, her clothes, etc.).

My advice: do not give her 100% control. If you can have joint accounts open a joint account, but if you are wise you will also have an account just for yourself (with or without the knowledge of your wife, that’s up to you).

8

Are you serious? i think the person you’d mary should be the person you know best in the whole world.

Anyways, back to the OP, when I got married, my in-laws tried this same tactic, I was suppose to pay NT$ 15,000 per month for…well, even they didn’t know why. I refused of course, then was lectured on “Taiwanese culture” and still refused, then they hated me for a few months and the thing kind of got lost in time, they never brought it up again.

My advice, don’t do it, unless you are well financially and are willing to, otherwise there will always be something else to pay for, it’ll never end.

My wife and I share our bank account, but it is true that you can’t have both names on 1 account. But it is just a technicality, like TC said, you can use your wife’s stamp to withdraw money anytime. So, it’s not a real issue.

9

[quote]Fox wrote:
I believe it’s true that when we get married we don’t really know the person we are marrying,

Are you serious?[/quote]

I knew my wife for a couple of years before we were married, I loved her but she wasn’t the person I knew best in the world. She’s probably one of them these days amongst a group of others. Is that weird? I don’t think so. It is just realistic. Before we were married I’d lived with another woman for about 8 years. I’m certain I knew her better than my wife. So what?

10

[quote=“Fox”][quote]Fox wrote:
I believe it’s true that when we get married we don’t really know the person we are marrying, Are you serious?[/quote]I knew my wife for a couple of years before we were married, I loved her but she wasn’t the person I knew best in the world. She’s probably one of them these days amongst a group of others. Is that weird? I don’t think so. It is just realistic. Before we were married I’d lived with another woman for about 8 years. I’m certain I knew her better than my wife. So what?[/quote]Oddly enough, the woman who I think knows me best is not my wife. She and I worked together for quite a few years and are in frequent, not daily or weekly, email contact.
And her husband and I are good friends.

11

First up, i don’t know how things went with you with dowry-type expectations, but Taiwanese culture is that once the daughter marries “out” she doesn’t send money back home, except for occasional new years, mothers day red envelope. you send back $10,000 a month they should be EXTREMELY grateful. now you want to do that, and have 100% financial control? not reasonable. not that for her to have 100% financial control was reasonable to begin with. in fact both the demand of sending the money back and that are entirely unreasonable, i couldn’t live with either.

no such thing as a joint bank account in taiwan. someone please correct me if i am wrong.

12

[quote=“TMK”]Is it a Taiwanese cultural normality for the wife to be 100% in control of the finances?

There were no vows exchanged at our wedding … nothing expressing eternal trust or commitment. Just an acceptance to be husband and wife was exchanged. This has always bothered me in the back of my mind. We have been doing everything the Taiwanese way with no room or effort to add a bit of western culture into things.

My wife’s family has an ongoing history of infidelity and financial hardships and irresponsibility. She confessed to me last night that due to her family history and Taiwanese habits, she doesn’t trust men to be loyal. Her Aunts and mother have all brain-trained her to feel this way.

I am trying to deprogram that kind of thinking. I am not Taiwanese, I would never even think of cheating let alone cheat … I have expressed this to her but she still feels the same and because she feels this way, she wants me to give her 100% control of our finances … not even allowing me to have my name on the bank account. I just can’t agree to this. I think a relationship/marriage has to be 100/100 when it comes to trust. I feel we should have a joint account and work on our finances together.

What should I do? What kind of experiences have you married folk had? Are Taiwanese women naturally programmed to be paranoid about cheating … do they really think it is in the nature of men to cheat and that inevitably it will happen? That is just crazy![/quote]

My experience is that you have to be firm about your own values. Just because you live in Taiwan doesn’t mean you have to do things the Taiwanese way. A marriage is between two people, not two nations, or cultures, and the two of you have to work out an arrangement that you both can accept.

I can’t stress enough though that you can’t be the one changing values, and making all the comprimises, which unfortunately, is too often the case in east-west marriages. As far as I can see, on this issue it is your wife who needs to change. She is asking you to let her control all finances to make her feel secure. But it’s making you really insecure. Jointly handling the money will make her insecure to a degree, but since she still has her money, it won’t be as severe as the stress you will feel.

It also is simply unfair of her to want to put you in such a position. She is insecure because of her own past experience and upbringing, both of which can be overcome. You are insecure because it makes no sense to trust another completely with your money, especially in a foreign country where you may not know the rules well.

If you need to put your foot down then do so. What is wrong with taking a stand? Your wife will adapt.

13

Who’s paying the bills, you or her?

If you are the one working, you control the finances. I personally wouldn’t have it any other way, and my Taiwanese wife is thankfully on the same page with me in this regard.

If you both are working, then joint decisions would be the only way to go. Handing everything over to your wife because she’s paranoid sounds like a crazy idea on many levels. Just my opinion.

I help out with my wife’s mother where I can. I bought her a scooter when she needed one, a fridge when the old one died, etc. But helping with someone else’s loan, or your wife’s sister’s education expenses, just doesn’t seem right to me, or fair. As you said, how can you get ahead if you’re expected to contribute in that manner?

If marriage is indeed a merging of a man and woman into a family, then both persons customs, culture, and way of life have to be represented, not just one, which it sounds like from your description.

14

Do you both work and both have an income ? In my case wife does not work and we have children.

For me my income goes to my account, I transfer a set amount that we collectivly agreed upon to her account for our ‘life charge’. It is more than our monthly burn so she is able to save a little from that. Abnormal expences like vacations, new TV, etc. I will pay, and I also pay the CC bills.

As far as the cheating thing, yes I think this is quite normal that many wives believe you will cheat on them at some point. This raised it’s ugly head when I started travelling on business more.

I have a ‘security deposit’ in place (sic), this seemed the easiest way to proceed. Funny, thinking back at the time discussing I got the impression she was less worried about me cheating, and more worried about me running away. :astonished:

Basically our house is in her name so if I cut and run she gets that. She also carries a deposit in her account which would tie her over for a period.

As far as paying the folks, yes this does often happen, however usually the norm is when a woman marries she is married out of the family so their collective income is being paid to the husbands family. In your case being a foreigner this likely does not happen, so you have a little extra to stuff away.

If the family does not have any son’s, then there is the chance they will look to you for financial assistance because they will ot have anyone to take care of them later in life. This is hard to deny.

One thing I would say is try to keep any payments to family members as small as possible. They will only grow over time. Especially if the parents are at an age now when they can work, later when they can’t they will want more & more. You can even try only giving a hongbao when you visit, which works well if they are not closeby. Otherwise it is good to trade something rather than simply sending cash. For instance a mother-in-law can take care of a child allowing both parents to work, in return earning $20K a month.

I guess it all comes down to discussing with your partner and comming to a compromise that you are both happy with.

15

[quote=“TMK”]Is it a Taiwanese cultural normality for the wife to be 100% in control of the finances?

There were no vows exchanged at our wedding … nothing expressing eternal trust or commitment. Just an acceptance to be husband and wife was exchanged. This has always bothered me in the back of my mind. We have been doing everything the Taiwanese way with no room or effort to add a bit of western culture into things.

My wife’s family has an ongoing history of infidelity and financial hardships and irresponsibility. She confessed to me last night that due to her family history and Taiwanese habits, she doesn’t trust men to be loyal. Her Aunts and mother have all brain-trained her to feel this way.

I am trying to deprogram that kind of thinking. I am not Taiwanese, I would never even think of cheating let alone cheat … I have expressed this to her but she still feels the same and because she feels this way, she wants me to give her 100% control of our finances … not even allowing me to have my name on the bank account. I just can’t agree to this. I think a relationship/marriage has to be 100/100 when it comes to trust. I feel we should have a joint account and work on our finances together.

What should I do? What kind of experiences have you married folk had? Are Taiwanese women naturally programmed to be paranoid about cheating … do they really think it is in the nature of men to cheat and that inevitably it will happen? That is just crazy![/quote]

in the same stupid way, you can tell your wife and her familly, that in your ‘tradition’ all women cheat and go to pub for having fun and easy sex. That why you refuse to let her use your money :unamused:

16

I will warn you, do not put everything in her name!! I did that out of convenience and when she decided to leave she had no problem taking absolutely everything!!! I am not joking, it’s been two years and I am just starting to get out of the red when before that I had a pretty sizeable nest egg… EVERYTHING! Be warned from my first-hand experience.

Tell her that yes many men do cheat, but many women take everything.

17

If your wife stands to inherit when her parents die, then giving them money now can be seen as acceptable, even though it’s certainly not tradition.
If on the other hand she has brothers and she gets nothing when the old folks kick it, then she’s under no obligation.

No joint accounts here, by the way.

18

Yes.

Then say “No” and stand your ground.

19

The compromise I reached with my wife was to put as many things as possible under my name, then give her all the chops, etc and let her control the money. We trust each other completely, so no one ever feels suspicious. Plus, she also makes a lot more money than I do… :slight_smile:

20

I would never put all of my money in an account that only has my wife’s name on it. My wife doesn’t give monthly payments to her parents and neither of us give money to anyone without talking to each other about it first. Most of our investments are in a Vanguard account in the US with my name on it, but with her listed as sole beneficiary in case of my early death. If we were to split, she could easily go after those investments in a US court.

My wife and I have never really given money to her parents other than the odd tea money. Her parents will likely need help later, but until then, we aren’t comfortable giving them money. The reason is that we dislike not having control of how it is spent. We saw them fritter away their savings and the monthly incomes of my sisters-in-law on one younger sister’s US degrees. They paid full fees for those degrees, and there is no way in hell that they will pay for themselves. It’s stupid shit like that that makes it impossible for us to give them any money.

We once knew a seemingly strange couple at the church we went to in Taiwan. The guy was American, wife was Taiwanese. They married late and had no children. Very nice people. The strange thing about them was that whenever we went out for a meal with them, they would always pay seperately. Every damn time. I even noticed once that they made seperate contributions to the collection plate at church. One time, the guy had forgotten to draw cash and asked to borrow some off his wife to pay for his lunch. After every meal we had with them, my wife and I would wonder out loud WTF was up with that. Later, it dawned on me that it was likely a money to parents issue. The wife was pretty traditional and I suppose she and her husband disagreed about sending money to her parents. Their way around that was pretty extreme, I thought.