Been dating this girl for three months now, and I’m just having a really rough time adjusting to how emotionally desolate the relationship feels.
She never speaks terms of endearments (babe, love, etc…), never says I love you (which fine, your milage may vary, some people take longer, but when I asked her about her last relationship she said it took her two years before she said that to her last bf), and when I compliment her on her appearance or something else, she’ll usually jokingly answers “Yes, I know I’m cute/pretty/beautiful” which kind of feels like I’m being stonewalled from actually making a connection. If we go to the museum or do some sport together, she’ll just do her own thing with us occasionally bumping into each other, she says that she’s happy just having me around and doesn’t feel a need to always be by my side.
I know she cares for the relationship because she invests a lot of her time, which is at a premium, to be with me, has had me meet her parents, and is generous when gifting, but I honestly sometimes feel lonelier with her than when I was single.
When I talk to her about it, she’ll look sad at the fact I’m unhappy, will state that this is how she’s always been, but that she’ll try working on it. But the truth is I feel she’s kind of clueless on why this affects me as much as it does.
Was talking about it to a friend yesterday, and I told him how eventually I’d like us to find a happy middle ground, and he teasingly said: “Oh, yeah, so you’re just going to change her personality, that’s all.”
I don’t want to give up on this too easily, but I also need to know when to call it quits. Has anyone been through this? How has it worked out?
He already said it all.
Personality mismatch. That´s something you can´t change.
So how is your guys therapy going?
Yery well, thanks for asking.
Does she still pee into the bed at night?
Yes, she does!
And?
It doesn´t bother me anymore!
I thought I was dating someone many years ago, but turns out she had me friend zoned. I told her I missed her one day and she told me to quit being awkward. After smarting from that figurative backhand I just blocked and moved on, she just didn’t have that mutual feeling. I feel you are in the same boat, but she’s more cordial about it
Saw that girl a few years later with friends and she was still mad that I deleted and blocked her. I just said, you made it clear where we stood so
ffs man, it’s three months. It’s not like you’ve already been married for five years. As other people have said, it’s just a personality mismatch - nobody’s “fault” as such. Even if you’re really smitten with this girl, she simply isn’t going to meet your expectations - and although you may have explained it more clearly to her, I honestly can’t figure out what it is that you expect from her, so she may be confused too. Your friend is entirely correct: changing someone’s personality, even in trivial ways, is difficult-to-impossible. Break it off as gently as you can, while neither of you really have much invested in it, and move on. No harm done.
Sounds like culture shock to me. It is very common for Taiwanese people that are more traditional to respond this way. It might be even worse in Japan. The more serious someone more traditional is about a relationship, the more they’d behave this way. It might be easier to judge how they feel by how much time they are spending with you and how hard they go out of their way to take care of you. However, if that just doesn’t do it for you, plenty of Taiwanese people aren’t all that traditional these days.
Doesn’t use cheesy terms of endearment like “babe”, doesn’t rush to say “I love you” three months into a relationship, is okay with her partner doing his own thing and not having to be by his side all the time while still being together… She sounds perfect to me!
But I understand everybody has their own tastes and needs. Maybe you should just quit while you’re ahead.
Activities together and she doing her own things sounds odd to me. But as for the above, it sounds like a very common thing for Asians, especially those with very little Western exposure (like a former Western boyfriend). Not verbally expressing love, not being able to take a compliment and give one back, etc. sound so very Asian to me. Many, many, many Koreans will be like this, for example. My two cents.
Complete opposite of my experiences. The Asian women I’ve been in relationships would always want to do everything together and get mad when I want time for myself.
All I’m going to say is, if emotional intimacy is important and she’s unable to express it, you have to decide if the two of you are compatible.
Me, he or she can say I love you all they want, but it’s what they do that’s important. Not everyone is good at showing emotions. Is she investing in you? If so, that’s enough. I could care less if she never says I love you.
But that’s coming from a INTJ.
For example my parents never say love or anything of the sort, and sometimes says really mean stuff, but they have never abandoned me and so I can be secure in that.
