This post reminds me of a scene in a lesson when I started learning Mandarin Chinese years ago, from “New Practical Chinese Reader”. The American boyfriend, without reciprocation, kept calling his Chinese girlfriend “darling” over and over and kept mentioning his love for her in conversation. The book was from Chinese authors, not Taiwanese, however the lesson raised that this behaviour is considered unusual culturally, and expressing love will be done by consideration, doing things for each other essentially, instead of repeating lovey dovey platitudes over and over.
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She honestly could have her shield up pretty high due to being afraid of being hurt, and/or having been hurt before. Give it time if you think she is worth it. Some girls can be like this for the first few months, and will gradually thaw out over time. The longer you are together, typically the more like each other you will tend to become. Again, only if you think she is worth it, take this opportunity to be ok being alone/not coupled more, and learn to enjoy the independence – you might not always have it! The last thing you want to do is come across as clingy and perhaps even co-dependent.
EDIT: My now wife is a “slow-cook” type and at first, was definitely similar to what you described. I acclimated to this, and surprisingly she changed more than I thought possible lol. After those first few months, I feel like we came to a really good balance of couple time versus independent time. So this really is coming from my firsthand experience.
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Good thread.
The only time you should tell the woman you love them is when you marry them or they have your child, otherwise express it through actions. Too many get their love ideas from stupid films and TV shows.
Girl sounds fine - three months in. Contrast her doing her thing with those girls that become appendages to the boyfriend with his extracurricular activities. Deep down, you know she is not really into it, but is there because she wants to be with him (or thinks that is what she should do in a relationship). I would prefer she did her own thing.
I don’t know how often you see her (anything more than two days a week would be too much in my book) but if you did want to know how much she is into you, you can pull back from seeing her and see how she reacts.
That would include any messages you send each other on Line, etc…
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In my experience, if you are already having thoughts if she still has same feeling for you or not and are questioning it, then its already too late.
Trust your guts. Always
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I went into the rabbit hole of attachment theory. I’m of the opinion that many Asian people are avoident. Meaning that emotional intimacy is frightening to them.
In my experience, this would not change any time during the relationship. Even after they promised to work on it. Know your worth and decide what level of emotional intimacy is required to make you feel secure.
It’s not worth it to wait it out, because they’ll keep breadcrumbing you till you’re self worth is depleted.
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You could be onto something there. A lot of terrible parents (emotionally distant or outright abusive) in Taiwan.
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I’m betting the conversation isn’t great either. Yup, traditional relationship in Taiwan. Love isn’t the same here and that will certainly be a problem for you moving forward.
Dump her and leg it before she calls you a stalker and/or a creep. You aren’t, but people that standoff-ish interpret behaviour that you feel you require as creepy or intense.
Seriously, not worth the effort, you need someone different. Brutal words, but it’s the honest truth.
Taiwanese romance isn’t so much about intimacy. In my observation of taiwanese couples, I see them mostly doing things together. Vacationing together, going to restaurants and cafes and then sitting together using phones , or maybe travel abroad together, shopping together. The romance is mostly doing something and they see it as very intimate. They don’t spend much time talking to each other about their deep feelings or seeking emotional connection.
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Yeah.
Been with missus 20+ years.
Don’t get into any emotional/intimacy talks. It’s worked out mostly well. I’m not that type either anyway.
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Personality mismatch and different love language.
You don’t have to be 100% matching in those as there are more to relationships like shared values, shared goals, attraction is one, and perhaps just same hobbies and sense of humor.
But if those are making you unhappy. I wouldn’t expect anything to change. People can make an effort in being more understanding of your needs but you can’t make expect them to change.
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Look at their parents and the kind of model(s) they provided in this respect. Then things perhaps will start to make more sense.
Guy
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You haven’t given many details as to the time you spend together in terms of intimacy. You’ve only been “dating” for three months which seems to include sports and museums. You mentioned that she has introduced you to her parents, which on the surface seems kind of huge for just the three month mark in a fledgling relationship. It would be easy for us (the readers of Forumosa) to assume that based on this fact alone that the relationship is much more serious than perhaps it is.
Let’s just get down to brass tacks. Does any of your “dating” include sex? Does she initiate intimacy of handholding, kissing and other stuff? Has she spent Friday through Sunday with you at your apartment? Snuggling on the sofa in each other’s arms watching TV? Taking nice long showers together? You know, real solid relationship stuff that usually occurs in the “honeymoon” beginning stages of a true intimate relationship.
If you haven’t had sex and she hasn’t spent the night with you and/or she doesn’t initiate or seem to desire any romantic intimacy, then you might be in the dreaded friend zone, free English lessons zone or “look, I’m hanging out with a foreigner zone” and not truly know it.
I’m happy having my dogs around. This sounds clearly like a friend zone statement to me.
None of these things make me feel that she’s in love with you or considers you a serious intimate boyfriend with hopes for a future including marriage and children, except the meeting her parents thing. However, she could have simply told them that she’s your friend and/or language exchange partner or whatever. Did she clearly and directly tell her parents that you are her boyfriend. Is this clear to the parents? Three months of dating seem very fast to be bringing you around and presenting you as her boyfriend. I would assume she has told her parents that you are merely her friend at this point.
“I love you”. Is that something that the young kids now throw around with reckless abandon after merely three months of dating? Dating which may not include sex? Have you told her, “I love you.”? Do you think that you love her at this point? Is it possible for you to truly love her after just three months, especially when your relationship at this point is lacking some important elements for you? I know that “I love you” sounds nicer and much better than, “Gee, I really, really, really, like you a lot!” and could illustrate your desire for a serious relationship with her and that you are trying to commit to her. But, do you really love her at this point?
Three months? Not for me. “I love you” gets said in the throws of passion and when you’re really into someone, but doesn’t really hold the weight or qualifications for real love. Truly loving someone and having the deep feeling of love is something that takes a long time. For myself, I would characterize love by and through the actions of intimacy, passion, commitment, care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, trust and loyalty. Except for sex and passion, the other elements of love take YEARS. I’m almost at the 30 year mark and I can honestly say without question that I love my wife and I know that she tolerates me, oops I mean loves me because of how she is able to tolerate me.
Is three months enough for real love? Not likely, but nothing is impossible. Perhaps your young lady feels the same way about love that I do. You don’t say it until you truly feel it, which can take years.
In conclusion, you haven’t shared enough detailed details illustrating your relationship clearly for us to make an honest assessment or conclusion or to provide you with much helpful advice.
We need more information in order to give you better assistance. We are listening.
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So you think tolerating, or even enjoying the company of someone that you know if it was anyone else you’d have thrown in the sea because of the things that they did, is love? 
Maybe it’s my money.
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I wasn’t countering your point, just clarifying the meaning. 
Funnily enough, since you’ve said this I feel a bond forming between us 
A Fixed Rate Bond.
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What’s wrong with tolerance? My wife of 25 years is completely irrational at times. It’s like she thinks in another language! 
Tolerance is the social glue that keeps us from slashing each to bits in the line at the bank when the old lady behind me sidesteps me to get a look at the teller and then takes a step forward putting her right at my side in the hope that the teller will deduce that her reason for being at the bank is more important than mine ergo, she should go first. right?
I mean, metaphorically speaking. 
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Yes, absolutely. It’s almost a certainty that you will end up with a person who is weak in areas you wish him or her to be strong in, and strong in areas that you are weak in. Both in any couple will need to be tolerant, patient, and willing to overlook things. I think it’s God’s little joke on us.
To give an example, I have a terrible sense of direction that drives my wife crazy. Thank God for Google Maps. And my wife’s English is as bad as it can get (strangely, her Korean is decent). So we both need to exercise incredible patience in just these two areas. There are more examples I could give but you get the idea.
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I’m guessing you speak mostly Chinese with her then? As opposed to putting up with it.
(I know from experience that can become quite irritating quite quickly, even when I’m the ignorant monolingual one…)
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