I guess this is kind of an anti-relationship question rather than a relationship question, but here goes anyways.
I am currently in a relationship with a Taiwanese girl that I would like to end, for various reasons that most of you would probably not find interesting. Unfortunately, she and her pet rabbit live with me, and she also insisted on helping me by signing on as a guarantor of my lease (instead of my Taiwanese friends that she doesn’t like). So there isn’t really any possibility of a clean break here.
We’ve dated for 3 years, and over that time she gradually claimed more and more territory–for example:
I didn’t initially want to live together, but she badgered me into it by insisting she had no place to live, since her dad (who she used to live with) got into debt and her mom (who she lived with subsequently) smoked and argued with her;
I didn’t want her rabbit to move in (at first he was at her dad’s house under his care, since it’s not allowed to have pets in my apartment), but she didn’t really ask me; one day after he got sick she brought him to our apartment so she could take care of him, but even after he got better she continued to keep him (and subsequently “assigned” most tasks of taking care of him to me);
Her dad was originally helping her pay for her brand new car, but stopped when he got fired; now I’m helping her to pay for it every month;
In many other areas of my life she has become more controlling and demanding, such as getting furious if I spend any of my own money on anything without her consultation and permission; getting angry if I spend time with friends she doesn’t like; displaying considerable anger almost daily at things like me being late for 5 minutes, or many other small things; frequently bringing up the past (like a fight we had 3 years ago); and so on.
In any case, I don’t think the relationship is salvageable, so I would like to end things. The problems are:
She and her rabbit live with me
She has said before that if we broke up, she would immediately cut off all contact, which makes cleaning up post-breakup issues difficult
She works in Taipei, but her parents live in Taoyuan; if she live with them she would need to drive or bus from Taoyuan to Taipei every day
She doesn’t have much in savings right now, having just paid off student debt (but otherwise religiously saves 10,000 NTD every month)
She doesn’t have good relationships with her parents currently
I am very leery of just leaving without moving out, since what would happen to my stuff is kind of a wildcard
Despite our issues I do still care about her welfare, so I’m willing to do what I can to help her out. I’ve considered a few options:
Moving out myself and (secretly, by bank transfer, since she probably wouldn’t accept an offer) giving her enough money to pay rent for my apartment for a few months (she currently doesn’t pay any, and couldn’t afford it otherwise)
Not moving out, but still secretly depositing a large sum in her bank account in case she wants to find a place in Taipei; this presents an issue, since I could box up what little she has at my apartment and leave it with the guard, but the rabbit would be more of a problem; also, she’s still a guarantor on my lease
Both of us moving out and canceling the lease; still has the aforementioned pickup problem
Then of course there’s the question of how to end things. Obviously in person is the more honorable path, but that too would be tricky–would have to wait until we’re out somewhere, presumably.
In any case, before breaking up I’d have to sneak some stuff into her car, like clothes, contacts and other needed supplies. That would be tricky but doable.
Does anyone have any suggestions on this? It’s an enormously vexing problem…
My first thought is; what does she have on you that you need to pussyfoot your way out of her back pocket?
My second thought would be; does she call you Daddy?
You state a lot of things that have happened but that you didn’t want to.
You state you still care about her welfare. Why do you? Either you are a nice kind soul who she is taking advantage of or she has manipulated you into caring about her welfare.
Many of the bullet points /problems you mention about breaking up are not really your problem. The parents living in Taoyuan, her not having much $$ etc.
What stuff do you have that you are so worried about?
You clearly care about her & by the sound of it you’ve been together for a while… so I am not sure why the most obvious way forward is not listed in your options?
Sit down with her and say that things are not working out, and you’d like to break up. In that way you treat her with respect and allow her to accept or not accept your offer to help.
If I understand your concern correctly then you’re worried that she’d cut off all contact and it would be difficult to finalise stuff. However, how would sneaking around with boxes / secretly moving around, etc., result in a different outcome?
Assume she’s an adult about it. But be prepared if she’s not. Get everything in order best you can before you break up with her so she can do the least damage to you. Do it in person and prepare for the crying. Dont fall for it as it’s just emotional manipulation.
People spend too much time on trying to control how the other person will react, just do what you need to do and keep your side of the street clean. How she reacts is up to her, not your responsibility to protect her feelings.
It sounds like she isn’t managing her own finances, like buying a car with no way to pay. That’s also her problem. She can live with her dad again or the mom she doesn’t like. That’s also not your problem she doesn’t like her mom. It’s not your responsibility to protect her from life and the consequences of her decisions.
All in all sounds like a typical relationship with a taiwanese girl
They can be a bitch to get rid of
That’s why you should never get involved with one unless you are ok with marrying them
Only safe way out is to slowly but surely make her dislike you then hate being with you
When she loves to hate you and hates to love you
Then she will run for the hills
I seem to be good at this without even trying
Perhaps I should write a how to book
That’s an incorrect assumption! We want all the nitty gritty details, no,no,not want,we NEEEED to hear everything in order to give you some proper advice.
Leases can be canceled, right? In any case, I’ve been here for 4 years, so I’ve pretty much forgotten/don’t care that much about losing the original deposit anyways.
Sure. But I was hoping the lease would end soon enough that you could simply wait it out and be like “actually I want to break up” when it came time to sign again. Alas…
is key to this story. Solve the rabbit situation and the rest will follow.