Classic Posts ★★★★★

way2go · September 10, 2003, 10:36am

Forumosa has been around over three years. During that time there have been nearly one hundred thousand posts. Most have been mediocre, silly, stupid, irrelevant, rants, and whiney. But a tiny fraction have been absolutely outstanding.

The only problem is that the great posts are buried deep in the threads of all these forums and may never see the light of day again. Unless you remember one and bring it to everyone’s attention.

That is what this thread is all about - dredging through the mass of threads to rediscover the classic posts from the past couple of years and then putting them into this thread.

What do you remember was a classic post?

way2go · September 10, 2003, 10:40am

Here is one I found earlier today at Pet Peeves in Taiwan - #101 by Omniloquacious

It is the “padded bra” post by Omniloquacious from Mon Oct 28, 2002

One of the things that disappoints me most about Taiwan is the bras. It’s not just the padding, which is bad enough. The worst of it is that the bras are always there, whether padded or not. How often does one see a girl proudly displaying an emancipated pair of braless boobs nestling delightfully beneath her t-shirt, blouse, tank-top, sweater or dress? Almost never, unless she’s with a foreigner. Even in mid-summer, when wearing a bra must be torture, they’re still always there. And often they, or at least their pads, are worn under swimsuits, for goodness sake!

Does anyone agree with me that the bra is one of the ugliest garments ever invented? And isn’t it rather unnecessary for most smaller-breasted Chinese girls, whose boobs are not going to sag to their waists without it? Rather than enhancing the beauty of a Chinese woman’s form (as the ads would have you believe), the ubiquitous bra masks and detracts from its wearer’s allure.

When are Taiwan’s ladies going to learn from their liberated Western sisters and burn their bras? Roll on the day!

wolf_reinhold · September 10, 2003, 1:39pm

OK, so I voted for my own post…and people seemed to like the story of Gram that is somewhere here…

Posted: 13 May 2003 18:39

Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris star in the new action blockbuster “DYING TO ACT.”
Three aging former martial artists and coke snorters decide to go to acting school in the hopes of landing a cameo in a Sylvester Stallone movie. Unbeknownst to them, the acting school is actually a front for a Chinese human smuggling ring! The three plot to release the captives and bring the smugglers to justice.
Segal turns in a stunning performance as the “thinker” of the trio with the same kind of depth he showed in his most famous film, “I am the Sound a Refrigerator Makes.”
Van Damme, hot off the huge success of “Kick Me in Slow Motion Again,” is endearing in “Dying to Act” as the guy with the funny accent.
Chuck Norris, who shaved his head for this film, shows us once again that one scene with Bruce Lee 30 years ago can make a career.

HakkaSonic · September 10, 2003, 1:51pm

This one, from Eyton of the much-maligned Taipei Times, is one of my favorites:

"The paper everyone likes to mock needs a copy editor. Time for those of you who deride our efforts to show us how much better you are

Tigerman · September 16, 2003, 5:39am

Here’s an instant classic:

I also liked the one posted about a year ago that compared living in Taiwan to being at home when your mom was gone and your dad was watching the house. Can’t remember the thread or poster… but that was classic.

GooseEgg · October 1, 2005, 6:24am

I’ve edited this a bit and added it to the Forumosa Blog.

If there is a post here that you feel should be considered a Classic, let someone know by having it added to the Classic Posts page.

We’ll add a Classic Posts image to the post and list it in our blog

Excelsior!

Durins_Bane · October 1, 2005, 10:20am

Outstanding. I have been playing around with the idea of suggesting a forumosan archivist and now you have done it. I guess that means I don’t have to bother Maoman with drunken calls at 4 in the morning to discuss my “idea”.

jdsmith · October 1, 2005, 11:29am

gustav saved
and the thread where we convinced igorveni not to kill the dude who grabbed his son.

Funk500 · October 1, 2005, 11:37am

How about the classic post when BroonAle described getting Geraldine fixed by a local mechanic using crap Chinese… that was genius

bobepine · October 1, 2005, 1:55pm

Hi Gus,

I think there’s a mistake in the blog. As you may or may not know, the link to BuLaiEn’s post is to a thread with no posts from him. Unless he uses different user names, the post isn’t from him.

bobepine

Edit: Nevermind, I just saw his signature. I hadn’t read the post through since I don’t need info about marriage in Taiwan.

Matchstick_man · October 1, 2005, 1:57pm

Bu Lai En stepped into the name change machine. He was once Sir Donald Bradman.

Funk500 · October 2, 2005, 2:46am

Oh and the thread between Fred Smith, Broonale etc “Penguinism”

Tigerman · October 2, 2005, 3:39am

This has always been one of my favorite posts on Forumosa. It was posted in the Living in Taiwan Forum in the Things We Like About Taiwan thread. The poster is still here, but, he has changed his posting name. Here is the post:

That’s a classic post.

bob · October 2, 2005, 4:55am

I always loved that line in particular too. Here’s one from Jubom which might in some paradoxical sort of way relate. Anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s a classic.

Jubom wrote:

Tigerman · October 10, 2005, 12:31pm

Here is another Classic:

Khana:

'Neighbors From Hell' - #16 by Kahna love where I live. I’ve been in this apartment for nearly three years, and my roommate about six now, I think. It has all the tiny alleys, a couple of temples, colourful neighbourhood dignitaries, 24h construction, zoo of strays etc.

There is the Betel-nut Chewing Squatter, caterwauling with the assistance of one of those karaoke boxes outside the Mom-and-Pop store on the corner. Often, he is drinking beer at 8.30 in the morning. He says “Hello! Where are you going?!” to me each time I walk past, and laughs, regardless of my answer: “I’m going home! I going to kill a man! I going to take your daughter!”

The Garbage Lady stops us on our bi-weekly (I mean once overy two weeks, not twice a week. Maybe I should write ‘twice monthly?’ Okay, that’s still a stretch. Once a month is more honest) trips to the garbage truck. She takes that which can be salvaged, and delights at going through the Costco bags we store our recycling in. She has also been known to stand next to the trucks, directing people, while the guys on the trucks take a smoke break.

(we have a blue push-cart for garbage transportation, commandeered from outside the KFC a few years back when they said we could take whatever we wanted that they were throwing out. This is also why we have a Colonel Sanders statue in our lounge - people raised eyebrows at the stupid guys pushing this thing down Heping East at 11 o’clock one night. The cart was very useful at Chinese New Year, when we basically emptied out apartment of all the old shit. The people who ransacked the dump where we left the stuff made off like bandits - one time, a box of my shoes, and a stack of porn was taken in the ten minutes between trips)

But our direct neighbours are awesome! I wouldn’t change them for anything!

In the building opposite, there are The Fighters, who are a married couple who seem to be in their fifties, and a father-in-law. We will peer at them through slightly-cracked-open windows, watching as Husband throws fists, Wife throws plates, and Father-In-Law gets thrown. The last time the police were called, to my knowledge, was about two years ago, but they were about as effective as a hole in a lifeboat when it came to stopping the rumbling. We’ve seen the Old Man tumble down the stairs before in a drunken state, and one morning I watched Husband drive his scooter into Old Man and start punching him in the chest.

In the same building, live the Screaming Child, Precocious Teenager, and Weary Mom. Screaming Child screams for everything, and always seems to be at home doing it (I know this, because I hardly leave my house because of studies) and Precocious Teenager shouts at everyone. He gets home in the afternoon, sits down in front of the TV with his PS2, and hurls abuse in this guttural, throaty bellow. The Screaming Child also has a Duck Call, which he has been using this morning. It’s pleasant. Weary Mom has a very big bucket it seems, and it takes a lot to make it overflow. But when it does, chaos reigns.

The Sneezer shakes windows with his efforts; The Piano Player goes non-stop during the Festive Season (which, apparently, begins in August for her, and requires practicing unnecessarily intricate sections of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” over and over and over; there used to be The Meat Slapper (literally, a woman who rose in the wee hours of the morn to tenderise meat for her foodstall - 4 in the morning, WHACK WHACK WHACK for a couple of hours at a time), but now she has been downgraded to The Plastic Packet Crinkler, which also happens early in the morn, afore the sun has rised! Packets make an amazing amount of noise once you have noticed them.

The guys upstairs play power-ballads during the day (and sing along as well sometimes - we hear you!), and seem to have a problem with their front door, which is slammed with force enough to wobble my monitor on my desk. And they drop change! All of them! All day! And night! tinkle tinkle tinkle!

My roommate belches like a whale, and tries to be creative with it, I giggle like a banshee and play my music too loud (I guess so - if I can music from upstairs, then they can probably hear mine), and we shout at each other in weird hybrid accents, when we play networked shoot-'em-ups or Need For Speed, just because we can.

I can’t complain about my neighbours, because I like things just the way they are. I’m just as bad as they are. I have absolutely no intention of moving as long as I’m here. All the noise used to bother me, but now, it’s eerie when it’s too quiet.

In Cape Town I lived next to the railway line, and weekends were too quiet when there weren’t trains every 15 minutes. Maybe I should clean my ears or something, and then I would notice all the noise.

Anyway, I have exams in two weeks, maybe I should do something constructive with my time now, instead of these self-indulgent little (?!?!?!) posts?[/url]

bobepine · October 10, 2005, 1:05pm

Classic comical post.

Sandman:

Forumosa - Taiwan's largest and most active Taiwan-oriented global online community in English I have a firework one too. About 12 years ago there was a bar called Oz owned by some friends of mine. One Halloween (I think it was), I had acquired a few of those professional-type fireworks. They were BIG. Plain brown paper wrapper, one was about the size of a bowling ball and the other was about two feet long and six inches across.
So anyway, Oz was in a narrow residential alley – the perfect place for over-sized squibs, I’m sure you’ll agree.
So we placed them on the ground outside the bar, (not knowing, naturally, that they were designed to be fired high into the sky from a mortar gun-type thing).
Lit the blue touchpaper and retired.
Well, those things didn’t go anywhere. Just sat there on the ground for what seemed like 20 minutes but I’m sure was much shorter, spewing out soccer ball-sized fireballs in an attractive variety of hues that launched to about the fourth-floor level before exploding with a rich, deep, resonant BOOM! The ones that landed on peoples’ balconies gave a much sharper, more defined explosion, but they were harder to hear amidst the sound of shattering glass sliding doors.*
Not all of them actually launched, of course – a few just kind of flopped out and rolled down the alley, where they stripped the paint cleanly off one or two car doors.
By this time, we were inside the bar with the doors and windows locked and shuttered and the lights out, waiting until the police had left.
They never did pin it on us. But I wasn’t allowed to bring any fireworks to the bar after that.

*Parts of this story have been embellished for dramatic effect. We only actually broke one door.

mod_lang · October 10, 2005, 3:03pm

Ever been to 45 or Spin? - #11 by mwalimu Racial Attack at Spin

Know this; 45, and Spin are run by the same mob that nealy killed my buddy, and who have similarly hospitalized many other people - often for no discernable reason at all. Stories like mine are legion from that area.

I guess my point is - if you have heard tell that a place is gang controlled, or favored by gangsters in their leisure time, give it a miss. Don’t assume, like I did, that you know the ropes, and wouldn’t make the mistakes that cocky new commers make. Don’t ever assume that you are “down” with gangsters. Don’t assume that being out with a couple of friends insualtes you from this random gangster bullshit. And never assume that you being foreign somehow shields you from hoods and their violent ways.

The history of guys getting beaten and killed in Taipei clubs, more often than not, is about innocent people being victimized by hopped up hoods, trying to be bad ass. Often the fact that you are a foreigner is all the excuse they need.

Is it really worth it?

Sure, the more mellow, upmarket places like Sean’s seem a bit too pre-packaged and tame, but then again, how often do you hear of white collar types being beaten to an inch of death?

Finally, I’d say to anyone, in particular women, be very wary of the cabs that cue up infront of gangster clubs. The cabbies are more often than not “connected”. Always a better idea to use radio dispatch taxis late at night.

bob · October 10, 2005, 4:07pm

bob · October 13, 2005, 3:34pm

Here’s one from little b bob.

The biggest difference between people with status and people without status is that people with status usually have more money. I get lots of friendliness and respect from people because I show lots of friendliness and respect and because I am always developing some skill or other. That doesn’t always help so much to pay the bills.
I spend a lot of time with people who have no trouble paying their bills though. Some I think could safely be assumed to be fairly high status individuals. In my opinion they do not tend to be any more or any less interesting, intelligent, creative, or ethical than anybody else. What they do tend to be is hardworking, organized and very much focused on the bottom line. I for one have a lot to learn from these people.
Everybody wants status and some people get it. Let’s just not get too carried away with how much it means. People with high status got that way through some combination of luck, natural ability, hard work and greed. They get enough from the world. Save a little appreciation for the people who build the houses, drive the buses, cook the diners and take out the garbage. They may not have been lucky but they sure work hard enough.

Mucha_Man · October 14, 2005, 10:58am

I recalled this post today when discussing the Nobel. It’s a true classic. The throne of Nebacannezzar indeed.

forumosa.com/taiwan/viewtopi … htar#68862