So, Im seeing a woman – she’s 33, four years older than me. So‘not Chinese’ in many ways – smart, mature, confident, independent. Owns a company – worth loads (I’ve never been able to pay for a dinner once – she always pays. I have tried though), so not a sponge by any means.
We’ve been getting closer and closer – dinner and drinks and lengthy walks/drives three or four times a week. It’s clear we’re quite fond of each other.
She has said in the past she wants to stay single, cuz her ex-hubby seemed to have hurt her. Then last week she said she thinks she’s ready for love again.
She follows that up by not answering my calls for 3 days, and when she finally phones she says she scared of falling in love, and didn’t expect to fall so quickly and deeply. She said she needs a bit of time to process her feelings and she still wants to continue. We spent the following day together with her daughter at the amusement park. For me that’s a sign she’s letting me into her life – time spent with family means her trust in me is building.
I however don’t want to get fooled around – my last girlfriend did the‘not answer the phone for days at a time’ and it drove me up the frikking wall.
Where do you reckon this woman’s headspace is at? I’m hopeless at reading the subtle cues that women put out.
You have to respect the fact that she has big things to consider here; number one in that list is her child. There are no ‘do overs’ in parenting, and correcting past lapses of judgment are increasingly difficult with each passing day. You are a huge gamble in that equation.
Add the more personal aspects in there (i.e. is he the right one, am I settling too soon, am I ready for this, etc, etc) and anyone would understand the trepidation.
But, you have needs too; you want to be "Mr. Right,’ not ‘Mr. Right Now.’
Bottom line: this isn’t an easy situation. If she’s worth it to you, then you’ll bear the situation and see what the future has in store. From the picture you’ve painted, I would think it’s worth it. So, just hang in there, and fight the good fight, mate.
Where’s your b-b-b-balls, Baas Babelaas? Talk to the woman! Right now if needs be. Or do you actually prefer your relationships infused with the reading of bird entrails and tarot cards?
Take your time. She’s divorced and has a kid. If she really is a mature, responsible person, as you say, she’s right to take it very slowly.
I’ve dated women with exes and children before and I finally came to understand that they were right to want to take it very slowly rather than having a series of men coming in and out of the house and the bedroom and confusing/distressing the child/ren. You’re not just having a relationship with her; you’re having one with her daughter too. If she’s a good woman she’ll make you wait on account of her daughter. If she’s that good, she’s worth the wait. If you don’t want to wait, find someone else.
I absolutely agree with this. Mature responsible mothers have a hell of a checklist. Between my last two relationships I was with breifly with an also 33yo at the time, who was also out of a marriage with a 10yo son. Certain subjective moments, i.e. with her ex visiting the kid, other family and ex-law incidents, would trigger an emotional downward spiral in her for days at end. One particaular incident we were at a movie where on one particular moment, I was holding her hand.
What followed was her asking me the next day why I had chosen to be with her, and what my reasons were, and what I saw in her etc, but the point here is, I was only at a stage where I was still tryng her on, and her understandably critical take was inappropriate for me at the time, so alas, it ended sonn after as I realized that I was not capable of giving her what she really needed.
I have never been through a divorce, and not married yet, so I don’t want to even pretend that I understand what they have to go through. But I know that I have begun to acknowledge them for the way they are and behave with all due respect.
sorry but am i the only one who would view as incongruous the concepts of being mature (adult behavior) and avoiding communication by not answering the phone for days at a time (childish behavior)?
[quote]
But I know that I have begun to acknowledge them for the way they are and behave with all due respect.[/quote]
Who? Divorced women? Why? They married the wrong guy, got knocked up, left the wrong guy, and suddenly they are porcelain dolls demanding respect and understanding? I’d be scared shitless of dating a divorced woman from another culture who had a kid and certain emotional hangups…like ignoring my phone calls for days on end.
But you enjoy your fantasy, brother.
Good luck BB. I do hope it works out for you…if that’s what you want.
So far so good, for the best part. And she’s a positive influence on my life. AND she really aint like your common Chinese girl - as per the first post, she’s one of a kind!
EDIT: but her telephone voice/manners do grate me intensely - I’m trying to train her up on how to not sound like the ‘bosswoman’ when we talk on the phone. She’s also a bit offish/cold when we’re in the company of her friends. She puts it down to Chinese not being overly affectionate in public. Figure it’ll take time to win her over to my way of thinking, or her win me over to her way…
