I’ve “been around” as well, so I’m not very judgemental about things. I’m looking for a good woman to share some time with, and occasionally I find them. The current object of my affection has been run around a couple of times, not the least by foriegners. (She’s Taiwanese). She’s in all ways a good young woman. She keeps herself well, has a good job (makes more than me, haha) and is very good looking. She confided in me that she has made some mistakes, and she admits it well, and she is looking for something like I am looking for.
I am looking for a solid monogamous relationship. I don’t “pick women up” or “hunt” for “poosay”! I’ve lived my life being fairly grateful for the fine relationships I could manage.
I met this girl by chance: no outside sources.
This woman hasn’t done anything half as bad as I have done, yet she seems to think she’s the biggest tramp in the world. I’ve been completely honest with her (as always) and she still wants to stick around!
I’m sticking with my 30 day rule with her, because I really like her. I trust her, and I have told her that fooling around is not cool. I honestly believe that she feels the same way. I trust her.
I’m a bit confused and I don’t get these funny feelings too much. I really like this girl and I don’t worry about her fooling around. Life is short.
How do I help her get over herself and help myself get over myself?
Damn, she’s cooooool!
:charliebrown:
Jeeeeeezus I’m useless with womennnn…
I get a pissed off about how a guy can screw 50 women and be called lucky and a woman can screw 10 guys and be called a slut. Arg.
Look. Ask her if she has cheated on any exes. If she has she will cheat on you.
Otherwise, a girl who has had a lot of lovers does NOT Mean that she will stray. There is a such think as a serial monogamist… a person who has monogamous relationships with a lot of people. And some girls think that is how to find love.
So who cares if she has been with a lot of guys if she isn’t the cheating kind…
I would say give her a chance, and because she’s approaching you on shaky foundations from her previous relationships, make her feel secure. Take her out with your friends and see how that goes. Keep on getting to know her. Enjoy the time together and trust what you sense about her.
SuchAFob, I have to disagree with your advice there. Some people cheat and recognize that it’s not for them. I wouldn’t make a blanket generalization on that.
That’s a good basic policy. The rest I read on a nice-to-know basis, this however was the part I was checking for. As long as she does not disappoint that trust, I see no problems.
Good too that you focussed on her being honest with you (as far as you can judge) and disregarded her ‘numbers’ or whatever other crap someone else than you may obsess about.
Just keep communicating what is actually going on with you and your views of things and check what hers are, but it seems you are doing that already anyways.
NOW … to the nitty-gritty. What to say to her when she says she feels bad about things she did once?
What ‘bad’ things she has done canucktyuktuk?
And while at it - what ‘bad’ things have you done canucktyuktuk?
I need ALL details before I can make any more specific assesments.
Only then I can tell you if yours is half as bad as mine
Nothing you’ve stated concerns me except for this: “she seems to think she’s the biggest tramp in the world.” If she’s not comfortable with or confident in herself, I suspect you’re headed for trouble. You can try to help her, and may do a great deal of good, but even so, I seriously question whether it could end well.
Go with your gut and don’t argue yourself into the wrong decision.
Maybe the best thing you can do is to put things into an extremely slow gear… grow together as she grows stronger and more confident.
Ancient history. Not important. Why mention it? “Did you really, babe? Oh, me too. What did you do today? Did you fix that blah blah blah.”
Let her know that you’re interested in the here and now. Try to avoid any casual references to your wicked pasts, just assume the attitude that you’re both adults (finally) who have been through a painful (or fun) learning process to become who you are today and make sure you communicate that to her all the time. She might feel the need to unload/confess at some point, and obviously you have to listen, share, reassure, etc., but until that time comes don’t do anything to remind her of the old days.
You might try ‘a new life’, to make a break with the past. Find new places to go, new hobbies, widen your social circles to avoid bumping into any ex-b/gf that might make someone feel uncomfortable.
You like who she IS, not who she was, so let her know that at every opportunity. It sounds like she needs a bit of a boost to her self-respect. That’ll take time, so don’t expect miracles overnight. Change the ablove to Did you really, babe? Oh, me too. That’s a nice dress, you look great."
Oh, and women like to laugh. If you can make a joke about anything they feel bad about you reduce a problem to an absurdity.
It sounds like you’ve got it all figured out anyway. You’re just looking for reassurance from all of us studmuffins. Well, dude, you’re a shameless slut and you’re lucky she’s picked you this time. Work hard, she’s obviously a good catch or she wouldn’t be so popular.
Taiwanese standard of women are very stringent. A guy may be a slut and considered a MAN but a woman with more than a couple of boyfriends in the past would be considered a ho and nothing less. This is feedback she gets indirectly from friends, TV, family and upbringing. This is how she perceives herself.
The best thing you can do is constantly assure her that her past is the past and you don’t care about it now. Eventually, when you still stick by her, she’ll actually get that through her head, but it’s going to take time.
IMHO, there are only a couple of reasons people sleep around. They are either addicted to the thrill of it (perverts male and female) or they are so badly damaged in the self esteem department that they need reassurance sexually.
This island is chalked full of women who are extremely insecure with themselves. I haven’t met many women in Taiwan that can be called confident in their abilties. Unless you call it confidence that’s rooted firmly in beding foreigners because of how often they have been shown the wrong attention. I’m sure they exisit but I have yet to find one. It’s actually quite strange. It seems like sex is sport for most of these women in the foreign dominated establishments. While the girls in the locally dominated places seem to be more on a level “All show and no go”. Can’t be said for the typical ex-pat jamboree. Agreed?
I’d say that if you’re a confident man then just let her be. Let her come to you and see how she reacts. If she senses weakness in you and you aren’t strong enough to guide her…she’ll stray. This means keeping certain aspects of yourself from her for quite sometime. I’m not saying lie or hide, I’m saying slowly. If she respects you, she won’t stray from you. Funny thing is even if she doesn’t respect you, she might keep you along for the ride, destroying you in the process.
People want companionship. Everyone does. But for some odd reason, metaphorically speaking, this place breeds others into believing a ‘home base’ is fine while I go on ‘vacation’ once a week.
Anyway, go on carefully. Don’t expect a damn thing and keep it easy for sometime. If she’s racked with guilt, she’s looking for you to tell her “it’s ok”. Don’t. She has to find it in herself to hold her own head up.
Do you want to be a Daddy or would you like an equal?
Interesting, so the options for explaining sleeping around are addiction or brain damage. Okaaay, well I think sleeping around is an indication of nothing else but a healthy sexual appetite when it is mutually understood to be an exercise in casual sex. I think most of the people calling out “slut” or “whore” have partners who have cheated or are a little sexually frustrated themselves.
I’d guess the woman in question was a little too trusting in some relationships and didn’t realize the guys were mainly interested in sex. Social pressures have caused her to think less of herself and to doubt her own self-worth or she is into some kind of guilt-complex where she needs your approval now to elevate herself to sub-normal status. Sounds a bit like co-dependency time.
Sounds a little like early relationship overthinking as well; if she is into you and you are into her, you should encourage her and yourself to focus on the here and now and see how it goes.
I think it is a good idea NOT to go into your sexual past with someone if you’re looking at a long term relationship. If you’ve already done so, agree not to discuss it anymore. If you’re going to be together for a time, or forever, it is no longer relevant.
Tell her you just don’t care about who she’s slept with, and keep convincing her until she drops it.
Thanks for all the nice replies, everyone.I;m sorting it outm one day at a oime.
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I am pretty lousy with girls, though. I used to be good with women. now not. strange!
A Taiwanese, who has been “consumed”, may feel very uncertain about herself. This “good young woman” surely has a few nice assets (great job, good looks, …), which make her even more desirable. Her insecurity may be an obstacle in your current relationship. Try to be frank and tell her what you feel for her and especially what you would expect from her. The past has gone by, you are most likely looking toward a bright future with this gorgeous ladyfriend of yours.
Why does she consider herself “the biggest tramp in the world”? It looks like you are heading towards a fine partnership.
Do you know what does she expect from you? Do you know what she feels for you? Will you be able to get accepted by her environment?
Getting funny feelings sounds great.
You wrote “How do I help her get over herself and help myself get over myself?” Tell her to take an “assertivity course”, something like Toastmasters? Helping her to manage interpersonal relationships may increase her self-confidence (something what she seems to be lacking).
You may be “useless with women”, but you surely seem to know how to wind this one around your little finger. You like her, she likes you, you know what she expects from you, she knows what you expect from her, … Talk about each other’s feelings, expectations and “objectives” -)This is where do you see yourself with this girl/woman let’s say in 10 years.
Building a relationship only on sex is not a great idea, but that surely is not the case here, right?
I think it matters more WHY she slept around. Low self-esteem is just one of many possible options. Maybe she was, as some point, naive and too trusting and believed every yahoo who told her he loved her or made her believe marriage was in the near future. If her “mistake” was something of that nature, I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. Ditto for if she went through a promiscuous phase out of rebellion, or any other of a multitude of reasons that don’t reflect badly on her present character.
I really doubt tnat she is a nyphomaniac, or is a pathological sex addict or whatever, you sound too level-headed not to be able to recognize that.
Don’t worry about it. You know, you say that she worries she is a tramp, well, it sounds like this is on your mind a bit as well. Women aren’t the only ones who can be affected by societal conditioning. If YOU are the one having problems with the fact that she’s behaved not as bad as you, but worse than society says a woman should, this is what you should be sorting out in yourhead. Otherwise you might just be mucking up your relationship and not knowing why,.
