Ethical Dating Field Report

Life Dating & Relationships
1

I don’t know how to feel right now and if I made the ethical decision or if I just shot myself in the foot.

Long story short I’ve been dating this Taiwanese girl for 1 month. On the third date, we had gone over to her place to watch Netflix. During that visit I made my move but she was not comfortable having sex, so I stopped immediately. We ended up just cuddling and making out while watching Netflix as I never made any additional advances after that.

About a week later we discussed where this “relationship” was going, which I suggested since I was only going to be in Taiwan for 3 months I was not willing to commit to a serious relationship. She was okay with that and so we progressed and continued to date. We went on several dates after and I got to know her a bit more, and I realized that she deeply wanted a relationship and not just something casual. Because of this I felt it was a bit unethical to initiate sex since she had told me she might develop feelings for me if we did it. I respected that wish but also did not think any further about where to go from there.

Today we had a deep talk where she told me that had I just been “less nice” to her she would have been down to hookup with me because it would be easier to detach her emotions. But she feels like she has developed feelings for me so if we were to have sex she would develop feelings. And since I am leaving in a month it would just make things messier.

I told her I respected her feelings and wanted the best for her and that we can just be “friends.” She joked around later too that I had many past opportunities to make sexual advances on past dates, but now that she’s developed feelings for me, we can no longer have sex because it would hurt her knowing this was only a casual thing. She also joked that I was too nice and that next time if I wanted to just have sex that I should just be more distant and less nice.

I ended up having mixed feelings about the entire thing. On one hand, I feel like I did make the ethical choice of not potentially hurting her. On the other hand, I feel a bit insecure… Was I indeed too nice? Should I have made further advances for sex and disregarded her emotions? I have my own needs too and as much as I respect her decision and care for her, I can’t help but feel a bit frustrated given the amount of time and effort put into this entire endeavor.

As I’ve gotten to hang out with her more, I started to feel more guilt about wanting to have sex but also potentially hurting her which is why I never reinitiated sex. But now I feel like I wasted time, effort, and money.

I did made the ethical choice, but at my own expense. I could have gone down the fuck-boy path and gotten what I wanted, but I did not. Should I have done anything differently?

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2

No. Be a good person. You’ll find the right match eventually this way.

Guy

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If you were only looking for sex, then you should have made it clear not only with your words but also your demeanor. Be polite and cordial, but not overtly nice, friendly, or familiar.

BTW I’m saying this for the benefit of the woman, not for your benefit of getting laid.

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4

Maybe gone down the fb path. As it stands, neither one of you seems to have had a positive experience. :laughing:

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5

Looks like you dodged a bullet: it would have your fault if she had post-coital misgivings, and now you are leaving, its your fault you did not push harder for sex. There is a pattern here: this was going to be a relationship of regrets either way, Thank your lucky stars its duration was short.

A mutual activitie, like sex, and guilt do not make the best companions, especially if the guilt is foisted upon one party.

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6

Doing the right thing always pays off in the long run. After all, the purpose of this sliver of physical exile at the beginning of our existence is to allow us to freely choose who and where we want to be for eternity.

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7

If only they could have overcome their quibble over social structure :laughing:

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8

Good grief, women, eh?

I had a vaguely similar experience many years ago where a girl I liked was sending mixed signals but eventually made clear she wasn’t interested in taking things further, so I basically said “ok, but I can’t do the ‘just friends’ thing”. A few weeks later she called me out of the blue and decided she was interested after all. I decided I wasn’t.

You did the right thing, if only because she doesn’t seem to know her own mind. I sort of know what she’s trying to say, but I think she’s mistaken; a fling is inevitably painful when it ends, even if you know it’s going to end in three months. Some people are just better at dealing with that than others, so next time just try to narrow down your potential ‘dates’ to women who are likely to be on the same page, and make sure she knows up-front about your travel plans. Apart from anything else she’ll probably decide very quickly whether she wants to get naked with you, and there won’t be a whole of lot of “time and effort” groundwork involved.

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9

A knight should never lay down his sword. And you know fb meant fuck boy, ya? :laughing:

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U are in Taiwan for 3 months only right? Just have fun and don’t get involved with taiwanese girls. They have tendency to drive u crazy .

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11

He should go a-pillaging and plundering? :laughing:

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12

don’t worry buddy ur right hand will be there for u forever, she’ll take care of all ur needs :heart:

Sucks but such is life. Being the good person is rarely easy or fun.

Really just makes it clear why it’s important for everyone to figure out what they want in the relationship. Knowing you’re only there 3 months, no sense even trying for a normal relationship, but I get the whole “get to know them before you get inside of them” idea and rather relate to it.

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13

As Bertrand Russell said: hit it or quit it.

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14

Well, yeah. Metaphorically via symbolism and ritual.

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She’s always wanted a relationship. You’ve been bamboozled.

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16

We’ve all been there. We learn, we try again, muck it up, and keep trying.

There is no correct answer because it could have gone good or bad either way.

Even though some people say the only regrets they have are where they didn’t follow their first or most obvious though or feeling, it’s still ok to follow own thoughts and feeling at the moment. Then move on and accept and try to get it right the next time.

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17

Hit it and quit it.

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18

A textbook illustration of why the chads get the women and the nice guys don’t. :sweat_smile:

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19

:rofl:

Sad (for nice guys) but true.

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20

Does anybody really, genuinely feel good after a hot and sweaty one night stand with no commitment?