Extremely stressed because of depressed girlfriend

Life Dating & Relationships
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Hello fellow Forumosans,

I’m reaching out to share my current relationship struggles, which are significantly impacting my mental and physical well-being. I kindly request your serious advice. :pray:

I have been in a relationship with a Taiwanese woman for just over a year. At the beginning of our relationship, we connected well and discovered many shared interests. However, around three months in, I learned that her father is a 乩童 (not the type who performs at temples, but one who experiences “possessions” and shares wisdom). My girlfriend holds great belief and respect for this aspect of her father’s life, but it didn’t initially bother me, so I brushed it off.

I had a meal with her father about three months into the relationship. We made good conversation and he seemed to like me a lot. He told her later as well that he liked my values and decision making principles.

Six months into our relationship, we planned a trip to Japan. Her father objected to our plans, claiming that a “spirit” warned him of impending danger during our trip and insisted she not go. Despite this, we proceeded with our non-refundable bookings and enjoyed a problem-free vacation.

A few weeks later, her father inquired about the trip, and she decided to be truthful about our decision to go. Since then, he has been exceedingly distant towards her and has even blocked me on social media without any prior dialogue. This cold treatment has left my girlfriend feeling incredibly depressed. Throughout her life, her father has exerted control over her decisions, from her university major to her political affiliation. At nearly 30 years old, she still feels bound by this control.

Over the past three months, her depression has deepened, and she has grown increasingly irritable. I now find myself hesitant to express my thoughts to her. She has sought help from therapists, psychiatrists, and antidepressants, but to no avail. I feel as though I’m walking on thin ice, as anything I say or do has the potential to trigger her anger. Recently, my dust allergy caused a coughing fit, and she spent hours berating me for it.

I have attempted to support her through these difficult times, but the strain is becoming unbearable. The situation is negatively affecting my work and mental health. Additionally, she has a history of suicide attempts, and I worry that ending our relationship might prompt another such attempt. Complicating matters further, she currently lives with me, has little in the way of savings, is unemployed due to her mental health struggles, and lacks a strong support network. Although I’ve suggested she stay with her parents for a while, she has rejected the idea.

I feel trapped and overwhelmed. Despite my efforts to help her, her condition continues to worsen. My job performance is suffering as a result of the stress, and I see no clear path to resolution. To make matters worse, it seems she may be developing an addiction to pills. Her father remains unaware of the extent of her struggles.

I would appreciate any advice or suggestions you may have for addressing this situation. While there is more to the story, I’ve tried to keep this post concise. I’m happy to provide further details if needed. Thank you for your time and support.

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Having been through something very similar, I would suggest you do whatever it takes to GTFO. I know this is very very hard to do given the complications of the situation. But the most important thing to realise is this: someone with a history of serious mental health issues (e.g., suicide attempts) is unlikely to ever be anything different.

If the issue were merely a temporary rift with her father, I would suggest sticking it out and seeing if the situation resolves, or if you can help resolve it. But reading between the lines here, that’s not it. I suspect her father is in some way responsible for her issues, particularly since she doesn’t want to go back to her parents’ house.

Don’t let guilt, or a sense of responsibility for her welfare, allow her to destroy your life. If you stick around, she will simply cling to you like a drowning (wo)man and pull you both under.

In practical terms, I would suggest this. First try to find out what the hell is going on. Sit her down and make it clear that she needs to get her life together or the relationship is over. Since she is depressed, actually doing that (getting her life together) will appear an insurmountable challenge, so you need to also make it clear that if she puts in the effort, you will attempt to help. But she needs to tell you what’s going on. Depression almost always has an underlying cause.

If, after a couple of attempts, you get nothing but abuse, make sure you have sufficient savings to pay the rent for your present place until the current contract expires (presumably some months). Allow her to live there, and pay the rent, until that time period is up. Find yourself a new place, and get the hell out with whatever important belongings you can bring with you. If you think this could turn into a violent confrontation, do it when she’s not around (if such a thing is possible) and leave a note explaining the arrangement you have made with the rent. Do not give her your new address. Change your phone number. Give her some surrogate contact (e.g., an email address) which she can use for any apartment-related communications.

I realise your natural inclination is to try to make this work, and to try to help fix her problems. However I have found that trying to fix someone else’s problems is almost always unsuccessful. The best thing you can do is to preserve your own sanity, and with luck your walking away will also give her sufficient reason for introspection and adjustment.

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Thank you for your response @finley. I truly appreciate it :pray:

We have tried to break up a few times, but each time it ends with her bawling and emotional attacks. We both know that she has nowhere to go, no friends and no money. She keeps reminding me that she is trying her best to recover from her mental illnesses. She has mentioned suicide a few times as well, so I’m incredibly scared about what she would do to herself if I ended things right now.

I’ve thought about moving out and living elsewhere, and letting her live in my current apartment, but I’m not sure if that would help much. I would still be extremely worried about her trying to harm herself. I don’t know if I would be able to live with myself if something happened.

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In case it wasn’t clear from my post, I’ve sat down with her and I know exactly what is causing her depression. To put it concisely, it’s a combination of her deteriorating relationship with family (80%) and her inability to find a good job (20%). I’ve also made it clear that it’s getting harder and harder for me to support her. I’ve actually been doing a ton of work already over the last few months just to try to make her happy, but nothing seems to work.

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Run away!!!
Run away, fast!!

Speaking man to man. If your GF is reasonably cute, and you want your next one at least on the same level, ride a donkey while find a horse, as they say in Chinese proverb.
Don’t find a horse when you are not riding anything.

Going a trip together or living together should be reserved when you are on a steady stage of the relationships. After 6 months-1 year at very least.

Almost every TW girls here have strong belief on temple stuff. Even, if they are not religious. I would assume it is the same elsewhere in East Asia or other Confucian/Chinese community.

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There may be more to it than that, and she needs to realise that she’s getting one final chance to explain (to you) precisely what’s going on with her family. It could be that she herself needs to walk away from a toxic relationship with them. If she is 30 years old, then she’s facing a fork in the road: she either sorts it out with them, or she breaks off contact. Children need to become independent of their parents, and it should happen well before the age of 30. If the parents have not been good parents, then independence is a fairly radical move. Either way, this stage of her life needs to be completed, or her chances of a successful adult relationship - or, for that matter, a “relationship” with an employer - are slim.

Help in what sense, though?

I completely understand your desire to support someone you love who is at rock bottom. However, this stance is likely to keep you trapped in a nonexistent relationship for a very long time, lurching from one screaming match to the next, while giving her no benefit (except getting her rent and bills paid). Your walking away may actually be the thing that she needs to realise that the problem is entirely her own, and it’s up to her to deal with it. As long as you stick around, she has far less incentive to fix her problems.

Only you know for sure, but the suicide thing may be a manipulative ploy, and it’s quite likely that although she may well be miserable, she may not be clinically depressed or genuinely suicidal. People who are suicidal typically don’t talk about it much, and sometimes don’t much care whether their partner walks away or not. A typical feature of true depression, deep enough for suicide to be contemplated, usually involves complete apathy, and therefore a very muted reaction to you suggesting the relationship is over (because whether you stay or go, nothing matters anyway).

Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting resolving this by threats. What I’m suggesting is that both of you need a plan of action. If she’s “trying” to resolve her issues - and this is clearly unsuccessful to date - then she needs to offer you a concrete plan. She needs targets and milestones, and it’s up to her to demonstrate that she’s taking specific actions with demonstrable outcomes. A prerequisite here is that she is honest about what the underlying problem actually is - what it is that needs fixing.

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Thanks once again for your detailed response @finley

Only you know for sure, but the suicide thing may well be a manipulative ploy, and it’s quite likely that although she may well be miserable

It’s not. She has tried to harm herself in discreet ways without drawing my attention. For e.g. she once woke up and “went to the bathroom at 3am” but I caught her trying to OD on sleeping pills. It is one of my most horrifying memories. I’m convinced now that she is absolutely apathetic about her life.

She told me that she is unable to detach herself from her parents - this is not an option for her. Her family is extremely weird and she admits that, but she also believes that she “owes it to her parents” for raising her for so long. Her parents don’t give a shit about her happiness, and have even mentioned that they would prefer that she stays unmarried.

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OK, understood. Need to get some sleep now, but I’ll try to give a coherent response in the morning!

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She won’t kill herself, she is just manipulating you. She won’t change. GTFO

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Speaking as someone going though something similar … for the past decade or more … get out. I’ve finally realized that you cannot make someone happy who doesn’t want to be happy, no matter what you do. Even if it’s due to mental health issues.

I’ll give her credit for attending mental health resources–like many Taiwanese, my SO doesn’t believe in/appreciate that, and only attended as a “last resort” of sorts–but if the results are as you say, you’ll almost certainly be spinning your wheels for as long as you stay together. Not working and so always in the house/alone also is a red flag.

By the way, things can (will?) get worse–a decade into the relationship, my wife decided that just “not talking” was an appropriate response when a problem came up. As such, every time there is an issue, I need to go to her to talk/resolve it, and that only works when she’s “had enough time to be angry”. I’ve finally had enough of that … we’re currently on Day 8 of “good morning” and “good night”, with little other conversation.

There’s more, and there are some personal things surrounding why I haven’t ended it (it’s close), but this is about you–the above are more as examples of what you can/may “look forward to”. I felt the same way as you many times, too: worried about what might happen. You will not be able to maintain a positive outlook on life if you stay in this situation–it will destroy you, slowly but surely.

A year is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

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Might be something you know nothing about.

I doubt it is all family related. surely you are not her first boyfriend.

I’m guessing she had relations besides anything you or her family know anything about.

I heard this on a radio talk show years ago but never took such good advice - at 6 months into the relationship you decide if you want to stay or go - tie the knot or get out.

Seems like you’ve fcuked up already.

Peace and calm are worth much more than pssuy

You have 1 life to live.

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You’re asking the wrong person. Try dad.

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Leg it before you get PTSD from the situation.

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She has clinical depression it’s not caused by her deteriorating relationship with her family at all. You need to get out, you aren’t responsible for her well-being or lack there of. Don’t let her use suicide as a means to control you. Again, it’s not your problem. You have a right to pursue your own happiness and that happiness 100% will not include her.

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GTFO,

Relationships like this are doomed, you’re currently with her because you feel she ‘needs’ you and you want to ‘help/heal’ her but its draining you.

So there are a few things what may happen
a) she never gets healed and you end up supporting her continously get totally drained and your own life is crap
b) she gets healed and no longer ‘needs’ you and you end up separating because you are no longer needed by her.

Say bye and get away, there is someone out here who will value you for who you are and make you feel happy and you’ll look forward to coming home to each day.

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Ugh, the level of superstitious nuttiness here is something I’ll never get used to. That would’ve been the final straw for me.

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I can’t know for sure since I wasn’t there, but this sounds to me like classic “suicide attempts” which had an intent other than actual suicide. A lot of apparent suicide deaths are attention-seeking behaviour of this type that went wrong - by their nature, things like “trying to OD” often result in an actual irreversible OD.

Genuine suicides are usually quiet and unremarkable. The person will often be visibly subdued and depressed, but there will be little or no indication that they’re contemplating suicide until they actually do it, usually by some foolproof means.

I might be wrong about this, but if I’m right, she’s manipulating you in one of the cruellest ways possible, and as @xtrain said, it can only get worse.

This scenario seems to be really common in Taiwan.

If you really want to try to fix this, what you probably want here is a neutral intermediary - somebody qualified to assess the situation, such as a psychologist who specialises in “couples counselling” - to referee a discussion on where you (the two of you) might go from here. Their job is not to tell you (her) what to do, but to lay out the options and the inevitable consequences of her behaviour, and guide you towards decisions that result in you moving your lives in a desired direction .But as xtrain accurately put it, “you cannot make someone happy who doesn’t want to be happy”. The unfortunate fact is that some people just like being miserable, and they leave a trail of mayhem in their wake.

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You can’t help her, but there is still a time you help yourself. You aren’t in your 20s, right?

A healthy person with mature character in late 20s doesn’t get involve in this kind of relation… With a girl, which obv doesn’t bring value to your life and on top is very dangerous to you. You have a lot of work to do on yourself. Maybe your mbehavior comes from your primary family or any other underlying issues you have and you are not fully aware.

You are being heavily manipulated.Please be careful. Work on yourself, leave the relation immediately. Cut all ties. Just leave note on table. Cut your number and tell about whole situation your friends. If you don’t have friends share with colleagues. Is totally possible girl will contact police with bunch of lies. Get yourself ready.

You are in potencially very dangerous situation

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This is abuse.

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Do not kid yourself. She is always going to get depressed and find reasons for it as she goes along.

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