Friday jokes/ stories

Recreation Fun & Games
1

[quote]
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
“WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why
can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either…but at least that bitch
knows I’m smarter than her.[/quote]

2

:laughing: Nasty! But funnnnnnny. :laughing:

3

Two prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn.
Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn!
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punchline does not involve a prawn cocktail - it’s much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark” came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house.
As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again”.
Christian replied, “No way, man. You’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked”.
Justin cried back “No I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed… I’m a prawn again Christian…!!!”

4

Hoo boy…

5

Ha! Freakin’ hilarious. :roflmao:

Anyway, HG, the other day I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”

6

Two strips of macadam walk into a bar, one white, one yellow.
The yellow one gives the barman a dirty look and heads to the bog.
The white one goes up to the bar, and the barman says “Here, what’s your friend’s problem?”
The white one says
“Oh, you’d better stay out of his way, he’s a Cycle Path”

7

Oh dear! The Chief got turned into a toad! i didn’t think his joke was that bad.
I’m also slightly relieved my joke didn’t turn into a twenty page thread on the belief in sharks!

It’s amazing that’s what it is. I’ve never heard that one before! Good stuff! :laughing:

HG

8

[quote=“Huang Guang Chen”]Oh dear! The Chief got turned into a toad! i didn’t think his joke was that bad.
[/quote]

Hehe. Who’s a c*** (I mean, specifically, this time)? Who’s got the day shift now, the chief?

9

TRUE STORY–Last Monday night:

I made a new friend on campus, a young girl from Shanghai. I’m only on my uni campus nights twice a week, but had to go early Monday to take a re-scheduled final, so arranged to meet my new friend at the campus gym, where I sat like a couch potato and waited.

The two young female stuents working the counter were talking about a new gum. One was very excited to have a new gum to chew because, as she said, “I’ve always got to have something in my mouth. Seriously, I just love it. I think I’m going through a development, or something.”

Girl two, “A development?”

Girl one, “Yea, you know, there’s a development stage. It’s like a phallic stage, or something.”

Me–cracking up, almost crying, “Phallic? You’re going through a phallic stage and always have to have something in your mouth?”

Girl one, “Yea, I don’t know why.”

Girl two looks at me funny.

Me, “You mean oral, right? There’s an oral stage.” Still laughing my butt off!

Girl one, “No! I’m not sucking THAT!”

Me, “Hahahahahahhaha! Yea, that was just “Freudian”!”

Whoo! That’s still funny as hell! And I had to tell someone because it’s Freud’s oral stage she was thinking of, but the Freudian remark went straight over her head!

10

I don’t get it.

11

That’s okay, Matt, lots of guys don’t. Most guys are making most of it up when they’re bragging about how they got it.

12

Not Friday, but anyway:

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I’m going to have to let someone else go. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
‘No!’ said George. ‘I don’t think so, I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could stay in hot water all day.’

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.’ commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’
The Devil smiled and said…

‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go!’

13

[quote=“citizen k”]Not Friday, but anyway:

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I’m going to have to let someone else go. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
‘No!’ said George. ‘I don’t think so, I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could stay in hot water all day.’

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.’ commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’
The Devil smiled and said…

‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go!’[/quote]
:bravo:

14

Thursday afternoon. Office. Restless. 1001 things to do. Can’t do 'em. Can’t concentrate. Full of Spanish food from lunch. Zzzz. Might go outside see if I can kick a duck.

Tell me a joke?

15

[quote=“Buttercup”]Thursday afternoon. Office. Restless. 1001 things to do. Can’t do 'em. Can’t concentrate. Full of Spanish food from lunch. Zzzz. Might go outside see if I can kick a duck.

Tell me a joke?[/quote]

A French man and a Spainard are sitting outside a cafe. Just as a young woman in a short skirt walks by, the wind gusts and blows up her skirt for three or four seconds.

The French guy turnes to the Spainard and says, “Se la vi,” and the Spainard says, “Si! La vi!”

That’s my fave joke ever. Sorry, it’s a bit intellectual.

“Se la vi” (French = “such is life”, Spanish = “did you see it?” “Si! la vi!” Spanish = “yes, I saw it.”)

16

Well, it relies on the knowledge of Spanish… I didn’t get much farther than ‘Donde esta la playa de toros’ before I got bundles off to Frau MacDonald’s German class instead.

17

Well, I don’t know any German jokes, but I do think “ich liebe dich” sounds hillarious.

18

:slight_smile: Can’t really remember any German. Wasn’t the most stimulating of lessons.

19

You two should start a troupe/troop. :laughing:

20

This man got caught shoplifting at the store. And he was in court in the judge said: “Sir, I understand you stole a can of peaches. How many peaches were in that can?” The man said:“Five your honor.” The judge said: " I’m gonna give you one week in jail for each peach. You got five weeks in jail."

The man’s wife stood up and said: “Your honor may I say something?”
Judge: “Yes what is it?”
Wife: “He also stole a can of peas.”