I met my current girlfriend one year ago, after coming out of a long-term relationship. At the time, she had a working visa, and long story short, we ended up living together. When she was fired, her visa ended, and I decided to relocate to Taiwan, as a way of changing my life entirely and having new challenges. I was lucky enough to get an internal transfer within my company, so I was able to move here with a job. During the first few weeks, we lived at her parents’ house, and eventually we moved into a flat in Taipei.
During all these months, I have experienced a lot of cultural shocks, although I think a big part of them is related to her personality. I could talk about those as well, but I would rather get straight to the main issue I have with her, which is sex.
We are both over 35 years old. She has had several boyfriends and friends with benefits, whereas I have only been in two previous relationships apart from her. She is very open-minded when it comes to sex and has even acted as a kind of counsellor to her friends because of her experience.
However, one unfortunate consequence of her past was that she dated an ex-boyfriend who was a womanizer, and she probably contracted HPV from him.
Despite being very open-minded about sex, she is actually the type of woman who mostly prefers hugs and kisses. She gets tired quite easily, so she often prefers sleeping to having sex. For her, sex can feel like a hassle because of the amount of energy it requires and because she feels she has to take a shower afterward.
When we first became intimate, she told me that she only experienced sexual desire once in a while, maybe once a month. Because of that, it often takes a lot of effort for her to become sufficiently lubricated. She is also quite tight, which can make penetration difficult, and she tends to experience pain during sex even when she is in the mood.
As a result, she does not seem to fully enjoy penetration. She also tells me that my size is big for her, even though I would personally consider myself average by Western standards.
At the beginning, even when she was sufficiently lubricated, she could become dry very quickly. Because of that, she preferred me to finish quickly, almost as if sex were a burden for her.
Interestingly, some of her friends seem to have similar issues with their partners. Their male partners sometimes take a long time to finish, and the women worry that it might be because their partners do not find them attractive enough.
Another thing I find interesting is that when I flirt with my girlfriend and tell her that she is beautiful, she usually responds by saying that she is just “funny” or cute. She puts Korean models on a very high pedestal and seems to see them as examples of what truly beautiful and sexy women look like.
Our sex life was like this from the beginning, but after some time the situation improved. There were periods when we were intimate several times a week, although overall it has always felt like a roller coaster.
Recently, I had to return to my home country to take care of some pending business, and I stayed there for more than a month. During that time, we had video calls almost every day, and we missed each other a lot.
She became very excited about us travelling together, holding hands, and enjoying different types of food when I returned. Because of that, I thought the time apart might increase her sexual desire, but I was wrong.
When I came back, she met me at the airport. We were lucky enough to catch the last train and MRT home. It was very late, so we simply went to sleep because she had to work the next day.
The following day, we tried to have sex, but she was sleepy and tired from work. She told me that she was already experiencing some pain even before we attempted penetration. At that point, she became frustrated, so continuing was basically impossible.
The next day, things went better at first, but then she suddenly became dry again and we had the same problem.
She told me that it was her body, not her, and suggested that it could possibly be related to menopause, even though she is not yet 40. She also told me that mentally she was not in the right place and reminded me that, for her, sex is not everything.
Of course, sex is not everything for me either. However, I told her that even elderly people can still have sex despite certain physical difficulties.
I suggested buying lubricant or other products that could help. I also suggested that she visit a gynecologist or women’s clinic, or perhaps get some blood tests done, but she seems to avoid the topic as I am the one just talking and she just nods but she barely says what she is thinking.
For me, the situation is becoming increasingly frustrating. During one of these attempts, I was unable to finish, and she only realized later—after taking a shower and getting ready for bed—that perhaps she could have helped me in some other way instead of simply ending the intimate moment there.
I have never previously been in a relationship with an Asian woman, and I do not want to generalize, but does any of this sound normal or typical in Taiwan or East Asia?
I could go on with many more anecdotes, but at this point I think this is more than enough context.
