I have been dating this girl for about 6 months. I really like her very much. Just wondering she seems to hide our relationship from her family. She would say be quiet when her mom calls and ect…And I have never met or seen her family.I never really asked too much about it. But I don’t see this going anywhere because of this. We are together a lot and very happy. Has anyone had an experience with Taiwanese families, do most girls do this or is it time to move on b4 feelings become stronger and more painful in the end.
I feel for the first time in my life this is the right girl. I thought I would never say that. ANy advice out there?
There’s a certain latent prejudice against relationships with foreign men. On the one hand, it’s considered exciting; on the other, it’s assumed that the relationship isn’t going to lead to marriage and will be sexual… which leads to painting the girl an unfavourable light. Because, you know… those foreigners…
Usually, this is a bigger deal in girl’s imagination than it turns out being in reality. She’ll imagine the shit hitting the fan when the family finds out, but while they’ll likely be surprised, they’ll chill out very quickly if they decide you’re a decent character.
If it makes you feel better, my wife didn’t want to tell anyone she was dating a foreigner for a long while. Didn’t want people at work knowing she was dating a foreigner even two years into the relationship. Bugged me, but I waited it out.
Don’t worry about it. Let her know it bothers you, but don’t make a big deal of it. If she invites you home to meet the family, you’ll know she’s taking the relationship very seriously indeed. If she doesn’t, that doesn’t mean she isn’t.
My partner has been hiding our relationship from his parents for over 7 years. We lived together in the US for 2 years, are registered domestic partners and have lived together in Taiwan for over 5 years. He shushes me every time he calls them and I have to stay in a hotel whenever they come up from the south for a visit. It sucks. :neutral:
In all seriousness, I know some girls who have kept relationships even with Taiwanese guys from their parents until they became more serious and long-term. They didn’t wanna deal with the questions or comments.
You get two kinds of foreigners here…the ones who want to settle and the others who want to screw around. I’m here to stay and don’t want to date foreigners anymore because they always pack up and go,no matter how serious the relationship is…which also leaves my parents getting to know people on Facebook etc, and then the next moment these people disappear. Maybe she doesn’t want to go through all the difficult questions if she thinks that it’s not going to last.
Rest easy. She would very likely do the same thing if you were Taiwanese. Many, many Taiwanese girls don’t tell their parents about their boyfriends until they are engaged. They are trained to think that it isn’t worth getting the family involved if the relationship isn’t permanent. Her parents may have even told her: “Don’t bring a guy home unless you’re engaged. We’re not getting involved until it’s a sure thing.”
She may actually think that if she tells her parents it would put pressure on you, and is protecting you as well. It’s a cultural thing. I wouldn’t let it bother me, and I certainly wouldn’t let it push me out of a relationship. You’d be better off learning more about the way your beloved thinks, because her cultural background is dramatically different from your own and you need to understand what’s going on so that you don’t get hurt (or do some hurting) down the road.
Man, are you lucky!!! All those Chinese new years you will never have to go and get drunk on cheap liquor and chicken balls and pork colon. Relax and enjoy the benefits while it lasts.
Six months isn’t exactly long. How about you gently let her know that you’d be interested in meeting her family, when she feels ready…not ultimatums, just express the interest.
How long have you lived here? If it’s not long, it might be too early to say if you intend to stay. Definitely too early based on the relationship, but if you really mean to stick around for a while, let her know that too. Just so she knows.
My advice would be to chill out about it, see where the relationship is by next Chinese New Year, listen to her stories from home after that, and if all’s going well, then it might be time to start asking a little more seriously about meeting the folks.
It might be that if she says she’s seeing someone her parents will start piling on the pressure to settle down, and maybe she’s not ready for that. Or perhaps they’re just not close in that kind of way.
Lots of people from all walks of life might want a bit of space to work out where a relationship is going/just let it develop without everyone sticking their oars in before mentioning it to their family. In the grand scale of things six months isn’t that long (not suggesting your relationship isn’t serious).
Its not necessarily about the TW/Foreigner dynamic, and to assume it is might put a totally unnecessary skew on the whole thing and make it an issue. Just be confident in yourself, if you treat each other well, and the relationship grows, then any reservations that she may have should fade away. And if they are from her worrying about the whole foreigner thing, then if you don’t bring it into play, it will stay where it belongs, as an issue she needs to resolve with her parents, without having to worry about you feeling all wound up about it.
Listen to Uro. He’s got a degree! In Science! Just enjoy it while it lasts! It’s probably nothing to worry about, and for now you don’t have to deal with her parents. :bravo:
I’ve been married for over a decade (pause for applause), and my wife usually walks well behind me when we go anywhere. And it’s not just here in Taiwan; even if we’re abroad on vacation . . . :loco:
At first I thought she was too embarrassed to be seen with me. Now I reckon she likes to watch my cute little pooper as I walk. :lick: Sometimes I play along and shake it a little extra for her benefit. She’s pretty good at keeping a straight face. :neutral:
Not sure if this should be the start of a new thread. I trust Divea to make that call.
It’s rare that I start a thread. I’m more of a piler-on just before Tommy adds his one cent and things get sent to temp. What was the topic again?
9 years with last GF. Her family / friends NEver had a clue ! Thats cuz she was already sure i was NOT the one. What was that saying " riding a jackass, looking for a horse"??? OH wait, uhm ahhh that should be “riding a horse looking for a jackass” (cuz i automatically KNOW im better then the other guy)
[quote=“Tomas”]Rest easy. She would very likely do the same thing if you were Taiwanese. Many, many Taiwanese girls don’t tell their parents about their boyfriends until they are engaged. They are trained to think that it isn’t worth getting the family involved if the relationship isn’t permanent. Her parents may have even told her: “Don’t bring a guy home unless you’re engaged. We’re not getting involved until it’s a sure thing.”
She may actually think that if she tells her parents it would put pressure on you, and is protecting you as well. It’s a cultural thing. I wouldn’t let it bother me, and I certainly wouldn’t let it push me out of a relationship. You’d be better off learning more about the way your beloved thinks, because her cultural background is dramatically different from your own and you need to understand what’s going on so that you don’t get hurt (or do some hurting) down the road.[/quote]
What he said.
I didn’t meet my s/o’s parents until we were engaged. It wasn’t related to the foreigner thing per se, just avoiding the pressure. Meeting parents means commitment. They will expect you will be getting married…soon. If you aren’t there yet, leave things alone. If you are, propose to your gf and you’ll suddenly see much more of her family than you ever wanted to.
Unless you’re thinking of marrying her, don’t try to meet the parents. It’s added pressure you (and she) don’t need in a relationship. I mean you wanna date the girl, not her folks right? I wouldn’t worry about it too much. As I recall, in the West, not every girl brings her bf home to daddy either (until it’s “time”).
To be brutally honest, you are lucky she hasn’t brought you 'round her family, cuz I’m telling you, boss, that’s when the problems start. I’ll spare us all the details of my experience except to say this: once you’re introduced to the family, you become part of the family. Sounds great, right? Wrong. What do families do? They ask you to help Junior with his English lessons, they ask you to dog-sit over long holiday weekends, they ask you to help baba move a couch seven floors down–no elevator, they ask you for loans, they ask you to do ridiculous errands you wouldn’t fucking dream of doing for your own parents, and last of all, they ask when the hell are you going to buy a house and marry our daughter?
OK, maybe her family is super-cool and you’ll be spared the torture. Maybe. If I were you, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t force the issue in anyway, in fact, I’d be very likely to stonewall as long as possible. Enjoy it.
[quote=“zender”]I’ve been married for over a decade (pause for applause), and my wife usually walks well behind me when we go anywhere. And it’s not just here in Taiwan; even if we’re abroad on vacation . . . :loco:
At first I thought she was too embarrassed to be seen with me. Now I reckon she likes to watch my cute little pooper as I walk. :lick: Sometimes I play along and shake it a little extra for her benefit. She’s pretty good at keeping a straight face. :neutral: [/quote]
My wife walks behind me all the time too, but only because she gets a kink in the neck when trying to look me in the eye.
I think that’s the only reason. Maybe she still doesn’t want to be seen with me.
my advice is to ask her why she is doing this, and state honestly how you feel about this. It is okay to be vulnerable. If you two can’t be honest with each other, don’t sign the marriage contract.
One time I and a girl agreed not to reveal our relationship to our parents for a host of different reasons. We agreed to hide our relationship until we’re engaged someday. Like many people already said, if had the secret been out, our lives would have been more miserable.
I would not label what she did as some sort of red flag until you get further clarification. Taiwanese inlaws can be absolutely pain in the rear end, so she might be doing you a favor.
[quote=“Jaboney”]There’s a certain latent prejudice against relationships with foreign men. On the one hand, it’s considered exciting; on the other, it’s assumed that the relationship isn’t going to lead to marriage and will be sexual… which leads to painting the girl an unfavourable light. Because, you know… those foreigners…
Usually, this is a bigger deal in girl’s imagination than it turns out being in reality. She’ll imagine the shit hitting the fan when the family finds out, but while they’ll likely be surprised, they’ll chill out very quickly if they decide you’re a decent character.
If it makes you feel better, my wife didn’t want to tell anyone she was dating a foreigner for a long while. Didn’t want people at work knowing she was dating a foreigner even two years into the relationship. Bugged me, but I waited it out.
Don’t worry about it. Let her know it bothers you, but don’t make a big deal of it. If she invites you home to meet the family, you’ll know she’s taking the relationship very seriously indeed. If she doesn’t, that doesn’t mean she isn’t.[/quote]
Sage words. A week before my wife and I got married her father was still calling her with concern that I was going to pack up and a.)leave for home and desert her, or b.) leave for home and take her with never to return.
Her mum, on the other hand, was always cool. In fact, I think I get along better with her than my wife!
shrugs I side with the “ask her what the problem is” plan. I have brought two women home EVER: my first girlfriend and my wife. I went so long at home without mentioning women that my parents thought I was gay. Meeting the folks adds a layer of complexity that many people do not want in their relationships. Your relationship is between the two of you, why add any spectators or riders?
Same here. It took me actually getting married before my gran was completely convinced. On the other hand, my aunt had no such thoughts as she always seemed to be home when young ladies used to come calling to see if I was home. She thought I was a bit of a playboy…
:fume: YOu should see my husband and mom :loco: I am the outsider there and it is not nice. They gang up on me and I have real issues about that. They complete each other’s sentences, can rationalize each other’s actions and basically are at peace, which irks me.
[quote=“super_lucky”]To be brutally honest, you are lucky she hasn’t brought you 'round her family, cuz I’m telling you, boss, that’s when the problems start. I’ll spare us all the details of my experience except to say this: once you’re introduced to the family, you become part of the family. Sounds great, right? Wrong. What do families do? They ask you to help Junior with his English lessons, they ask you to dog-sit over long holiday weekends, they ask you to help baba move a couch seven floors down–no elevator, they ask you for loans, they ask you to do ridiculous errands you wouldn’t fucking dream of doing for your own parents, and last of all, they ask when the hell are you going to buy a house and marry our daughter?
[/quote]
Her father allways take things without asking.
The mother allways tend to fill up your bowl with things she like you to eat with her own chopsticks.
It turns out that you have smother driving than anyone else so you become there driver on weekends.
You have to help packing and delivering lunch boxes from the inlaws kitchen.
You have to sitt in a crowded room with her whole famely during chinese new year.
You become a free babysitter for her older sisters kids.
Your fucking lucky, but too stupid to understand it. And once you get married they start asking for a bloody baby even you told them a 1000 times that neather of you have the time right now. And having a kid would be a sad experience for the kid. The longer it take the bether.
At first I thought she was too embarrassed to be seen with me. Now I reckon she likes to watch my cute little pooper as I walk. :lick: Sometimes I play along and shake it a little extra for her benefit. She’s pretty good at keeping a straight face. :neutral:
A week before my wife and I got married her father was still calling her with concern that I was going to pack up and a.)leave for home and desert her, or b.) leave for home and take her with never to return.