He cheated, I'm ashamed. What's up with that?!

Life Dating & Relationships
1

I’ve been hiding the fact that my ex betrayed me by cheating on me and lying to me for two years.

It was someone who I loved deeply and was fully invested in emotionally. I’ve been hiding this for too long. One or two friends knew from the start, a few more found out earlier this year and the rest I haven’t told. Why?

I’m embarrassed and ashamed, even though I know full well I have no reason to be. He’s the one who should be and is ashamed of himself. So why do I feel this shame? Does anyone have any experience with this? This is my first time dealing with betrayal and although it’s been very, very hard in other ways, this is the only part that I’m really puzzled about. The pain and the trauma of it you kind of expect, but what’s with this shame part? I didn’t see that one coming, and to be honest, I’m kind of disappointed in myself. Not telling my family and friends, lying when they ask what happened, why he’s no longer here, that’s really cowardly and silly, so I wanted to do something about it. I like being honest and open, I don’t want this “thing” to have a hold on me. I want to be able to move on.

So, I decided to talk openly and publicly about it. That’s why I’m here where people know me. It may seem like no biggie to you, but it terrifies me to write this and click the submit button. But I figure, if I can “out myself” here, then telling my Mom should be a piece of cake, right?

I know this is not exactly a therapy forum (everyone pauses for a group chuckle) most of our relationship advice material is in areas such as how to pick up girls on MRT and is it illegal to [insert activity] in Taiwan?, but every now and then, we rise to the occasion and come up with serious, caring, insightful and helpful stuff, material that even Dr. Phil would be proud of, if he’d only thought of it first.

Now I’m hoping that we can come up with some of that good stuff for me too. I don’t need pages of it, a few good insights and experiences shared would suffice.

Oh, and the jokes, of course. Can’t have a good f.com thread without the smart-ass remarks and jokes. I mean it. I need those too. You’d better come through! :slight_smile:

There. I feel lighter already. Thanks for listening and I hope you can contribute.

2

Feelings of inadequacy, that maybe you weren’t good enough for him, couldn’t satisy him, that she was more exciting than you, or that you were stupid and naive?

Or feeling dirty: that you were true and faithful with him and he’s slumming it, sleeping around with god only knows what kind of skanky women, before he climbs back in the sack with you?

Not suggesting there’s merit to any of that at all, especially the first one – obviously he’s the one that wasn’t good enough for you. But, the mind does weird things.

Anyway, hope you’ve gotten over him. There’s more fish in the sea. Chiayo.

3

You haven’t told your mum? Fuck’s sake, lassie. Tell her. She’s a grownup and she knows shit you haven’t even got the foggiest idea about. I’m telling you.
As for the avatar, we just figured you’d find it cute that there’s a famous bloke with the same haircut as you.
Seriously, talk to mama. And remember that there are LOADS of people who’d like nothing more than to get naked with you and a pack of warmed butter and a couple of shetland ponies and then we could… I mean THEY could. THEY. OK?

4

did your ex cheat with a man, a woman, or some other animate or inanimate object?

seriously, because our response may vary.

and tell your mum… or not. i couldn’t and wouldn’t bother, i wouldn’t get that kind of support that you might: i’ve never had that sort of relationship with my mum, or my dad. but then again, i’ve never been one to cheat. strictly a serial monogamist (often for a day or two). just never found the right donkey.

anyway, you have no reason to be ashamed, you didn’t do anything wrong. you just feel ashamed becaue you’re a decent person to whom it matters.

5

I think MT’s comments are on the money.

Experience with this? Yep.
Why the shame? Probably because you feel stupid. I did: “Why didn’t I see it? How did I get played, investing so much only to get shit on in return?” That kind of useless, egotistic bullshit.

Disappointed in yourself? Sure, why not. That’s one definition of shame, ain’t it?
But now you’re ashamed of yourself for being ashamed. That’s a nicely vicious circle, tash. Get OFF the not-so-merry-go-round. Melancholy does NOT become you.

Cowardly and silly? Maybe; but perfectly understandable. No one wants to get shit on, or to be seen getting shit on. Is it a reason not to tell Mom? Uhm, isn’t ‘dealing with your kid’s shit’ one of the first duties of a Mom? If telling eases things for you, tell. If not, don’t. Whatever you do, get over it.

You do know what they say is the best way to get over someone, don’tcha? :howyoudoin: :flowers:

6

Yeah, but if she’s feeling, you know, down and vulnerable and stuff, there’s a chance that certain dweebs (I’m talking about the chief or Irishstu or someone equally as lame, of course – not me) might take it as a chance to weasel their way into her affections and …

Anyway, as I said, the chief or Irishstu or someone like that. Not me. Oh no.

7

No, not you. Like ya said, she’s feeling down and vulnerable. She didn’t say anything about being knocked on the head.

8

MT has made some very good suggestions for you to mull over. I can only offer this shitty piece of insight… He was an ugly fucker, and thats probably why you are feeling shame now! Seriously: He was beneath you as a person. It’s time to tell your mamma, and move along. Sleeping with Sandman really wouldn’t help to lessen your shame. We all love you, you giant doofus you.
Insert your own bleddy smiley.

9

We love you loads.

But that’s the problem, TH. Not feeling ‘good enough’ for even some treacherous arsehole.

10

That’s true too. I remember thinking, “Wow, another hottie with absolutely no taste in men.”

Thank god the trait’s universal or i’d never have snagged the Pixie.

11

WOULD! WOULD! HONEST! Trust me on this! WOULD! Especially with the pony trekking that would follow. We could take a flask of hot chocolate!

12

WOULD! WOULD! HONEST! Trust me on this! WOULD! Especially with the pony trekking that would follow. We could take a flask of hot chocolate![/quote]

Thats what you said after the split with MrsHill, and all you gave me was cheap gin and one up the pooper.

13

Yeah, but with a winning smile. And that’s what’s important. Anyway, at least we can chuckle about it now, no?

14

Well, the stitches have been removed, which is something.

15

You start prancing around in the buff and it’ll be that pony having a chuckle. tash, meanwhile, will being weeping, casting her eyes skyward and asking what she ever did wrong. You’re supposed to be making her feel better, you dottering woad-dipped weirdo.

16

at least i like the odd bit of donkey, rather than ponies. you guys are so soft.

17

Nobody likes to be played a fool. You trusted him, and he betrayed you. It’s him, not you. Sure, it would be great if we could all be able to discern who the liars are, but let’s face it - some people are very, very skilled liars.

I hope you don’t let your next relationship be tainted by his betrayal. I think that in any successful relationship, you have to trust in the other person and make yourself vulnerable.

And because I know just a little bit about that relationship, I’d just like to say that dude’s loss is surely greater than yours, whether he knows it or not.

18

You shouldn’t feel ashamed of course, but people often feel ashamed when they are victimized – perhaps they feel they should have seen it coming, should have somehow avoided it? MT’s post is spot on.

Anyway, good that you’re bringing it out in the open and talking about it. That will make it easier to get over it and move on.

DB

PS-- I just can’t imagine anyone cheating on someone as intelligent, charming and funny as you. Wow. Better luck next time, eh?

19

Tash,

Its because most of us here would think that you’d be the last person to be cheated on.

Your charisma, your emotional intelligence are some of your greatest assets (I said some of!) and perhaps your feelings of shame are the result of them letting you down with the person who was closest to you. That you should have been able to read it in his face… the person you thought you knew better than any of us.

Anyway. Plenty of good blokes in Oz, and none of us are brave or clever enough to engage in those sort of activities.

20

Oiy, Gurrrrl! My husband’s infidelities humiliated me! And I hated myself for that. But Chinese people seem to think that a husband cheats because his wife can’t controle him. I don’t guess you were married–so that’s good.

Reguardless of your specific circumstances, what you’ve been going through is natural, though crappy. I love your posts, and I take it from Sandman, and from the men on this site, that you’re pretty cute. I don’t think you need to worry about things any more if you decide not to.

You’re doing what’s good for YOU now. That’s all it takes. As long as you be a better you next time, you don’t have to worry about the next guy. Congratulations on your graduation in Heartbreak Hotel Management!

Here’s a joke for you–“What do you call a cheating S.O.B. on a boat? A salor!!” (Sorry, my son has learned that one and is constantly asking what different kinds of people are on boats–always a salor. Yeah. You get it.)