Hilariously bad English

Recreation Fun & Games
1

There must already be a thread for this, but I couldn’t find it. Mod’s, please move this post/thread if there is a better place for it.

When I was in Korea a few years ago, I went in a bookstore and found a book called “Useful Conversation in Eight languages.” Even before I got all the way through the preface, I decided to buy the book. The rest of the book is edited just as well as the preface.

I bought this book almost ten years ago, but still can’t read the preface aloud without cracking up. It is especially funny because the head of the organization that published the book apparently wrote the preface and his picture appears proudly at the top. Here is the preface. I have copied the spelling, capitalization, punctuation, and paragraph separation exactly.

Enjoy, but dont take a sip of anything just before you start reading. You have been warned.

[quote]In wondeful universe and all of the world. we thanks always God, we born in korea thinking pride and dignity.
So Humanbeings, culture, Happiness, in order to make friendship and consensus.
We opened this susful need conversational book of eight countrie

2

This man has a future as a sign painter in Taiwan.

Pass the kimchee.

3

Man, I was laughing so loudly that the woman sitting next to me at the internet cafe kept on giving me worried glances several minutes after I stopped… ROFLMAO!!!

Phew!!! That was a goodie.

Thanks. :bravo:

4

In my line of work, I often come across doozies like this. I correct them. But all too often my corrections are re-corrected back into Chinglish. We editor/translators eventually just have to accept that high-powered, face-conscious locals know more about English than we educated native speakers do.

Yesterday I was asked to correct a paper, written by a native English speaker, that a client said was “Chinglish”. The client had not specified what parts of the paper were wrong. I read the entire paper. There was nothing “Chinglish” about it.

5

[quote=“Chris”]In my line of work, I often come across doozies like this. I correct them. But all too often my corrections are re-corrected back into Chinglish. We editor/translators eventually just have to accept that high-powered, face-conscious locals know more about English than we educated native speakers do.

Yesterday I was asked to correct a paper, written by a native English speaker, that a client said was “Chinglish”. The client had not specified what parts of the paper were wrong. I read the entire paper. There was nothing “Chinglish” about it.[/quote]

Hey dude, get out of my life!
I probably lost NT$5 mil in side jobs from that exact scenario before I wised up and quit taking corporate editing gigs.
Actual literal transcript of a conversation w/ a client (who, naturally, was clinging tenuously to her management position because she had convinced her non-English speaking boss that she was the shit at English)
I am not making any of this up
HER: We need you to do another revision of this report.
ME: OK, uh, what’s the problem?
HER: There are a lot of grammar mistakes in it.
ME:(trying hard to not get shirty, but only partially succeeding) Okaaaay, ah, gee, I thought I gave it a pretty thorough going-over, uh, can you tell me where the problems are?
HER: Well…everywhere, really, just the…the grammar in the whole document is a lot of…problems.
ME: OK, can you tell me which parts? Because, you know, I can’t just…I mean, I did revise it a lot already…
HER: OK, well…OK, here on the first page, it says “Compliance with regulations is of prime importance to the firm.”…as I know it, this sentence is wrong.
ME: (stunned silence, then finally) Uh…like…how?
HER: I’m not the writer, you’re the writer!
ME: Uh, yesssss, that’s right…uh, hang on a second, please…
I walk over to the wall and slam my head into it repeatedly for about 3 minutes
ME: Hi! I’m back! OK, can you tell me the other parts you think need work?
HER: No, I’ve only read the first page.
I start looking for something harder and sharper than the wall
ME: So you’ve only read the first page?
HER: That’s right.
ME: And that one sentence is your only problem on the first page…
HER: That’s right.
ME: And you want me to revise the whole 85 page report because there are grammar problems through the whole thing, is that right?
HER: Yes.
I stop after jamming the pencil into only one eye, reasoning that I’ll need the other one to find some Drano to drink.
ME: No problem, I have to go now.
I waited until the next day and sent it back untouched, saying I’d spent 7 hours on it.
Next day, the designer who was subcontracting me called, not only was she nearly in tears because she was going to lose this bigass contract, she was docking my pay for work already done.

6

Some Hotel Regulations from a hotel in Danang, Vietnam

Hotel Regulations:

Inoder to grant safety. Politeness, civilization granted healthy for working of guestes. Thuan An Hotel would like to suggest for excuition things as follow.

  1. Guestes have to present their documents for resident registration. Gold and precious things should be sent to reception bar with receipts. If not when lossing, our hotel has not responsibility.

  2. Do not take weapons, animals, explosives, plammable’, toxoc and bad smelling. Matrerial into room

Do not put waste/ master freely. Make dirty wall excuite civilized. Safe like without influence to other.

  1. Do not move and put out equipments in room if damazing and lossing. Guests will be asked for compensation. Following present price.

Do not wash and dry in room. Do not use electric power for cooking. Telephone fee in a long distance will be born by guests if any. When having event that cause fire. Please notice to any Hotel’s employee and obey firemem’s intruction.

  1. Meet your guests and friendy at the lobby do not take your relatives in room unless having agreement of Hotel.

  2. Switch of electric, water, and lock the door befoire leaving. Sent the key at the reception bar.

Time of check out is before 12 a.m. After this time guests must pay for all of next day.

You are kindly suggested for excution all things above mentioned.
THUAN AN HOTEL

7

We just got some wine from an ad company delivered to our office today.

The label reads (after all the mushy, lovey stuff that we abhor), “… it goes an and an, Fry it and see.”

Cooking wine? :s

8

And to think some of these “Chinglish” translators also do the translation work for the weapons manual’s of various USA made weapon systems used on Taiwan.

Makes me go to bed feeling safe at night. :laughing:

9

Great examples. Keep 'em coming.

Here is a guarantee included with a USB wireless adapter made in Taiwan:

“This product is guaranteed to be free of materials, workmanship, and function.”

10

Grrr to the half wit managers with Chinglish as a second language. The only gain is when they make their stupid mistake-riddled changes and send their crap out with their own bloody name on it. That always brings a smile.

HG

11

[quote=“Huang Guang Chen”]Grrr to the half wit managers with Chinglish as a second language. The only gain is when they make their stupid mistake-riddled changes and send their crap out with their own bloody name on it. That always brings a smile.

HG[/quote]

Does it happen over there, too?

12

[quote=“ac_dropout”]And to think some of these “Chinglish” translators also do the translation work for the weapons manual’s of various USA made weapon systems used on Taiwan.
Makes me go to bed feeling safe at night. :laughing:[/quote]ac -
Can you cite specific problems in this instance.
I have dealt with quite a few of these tech pubs.
Do you have specific instances you can refer to?

(2nd post of this - 1st mysteriously dissappeared)

13

[quote=“ac_dropout”]And to think some of these “Chinglish” translators also do the translation work for the weapons manual’s of various USA made weapon systems used on Taiwan.

Makes me go to bed feeling safe at night. :laughing:[/quote]

The problem isn’t in the manuals…it’s that the troops refuse to read or ignore the manuals. And the officers are too busy drinking tea to supervise their troops.

[quote]Around 15 percent to 17 percent of the army’s US-made Humvees have developed serious starter-motor problems in recent years due to human errors, the military said in a recent publication.

Around half of these malfunctioning vehicles are still unusable, while the rest have been repaired and are back in operation, the army said.

The army identifies in the publication the major cause of the problem as human error on the part of drivers and mechanics.

The report said drivers failed to operate the Humvees according to technical manuals and mechanics neglected vehicle maintenance requirements.

The drivers were found to have started the vehicles without waiting for the warming process to conclude, which would cause considerable damage to the starter motor.

Those who use the vehicle are mainly conscripts who have driving or car-repair experience prior to serving in the military.

These conscripts, most of whom do not have a strong educational background, are not in the habit of consulting technical manuals for vehicle operations.[/quote]

taipeitimes.com/News/archive … 0000170254

14

Well…yeah…there is that problem also…but surely there must be some way to blame it on the USA…?

15

Sure there is. The fact that we outsource to China, is the fact that all their stuff is broken. Shame on us.

16

Sure there is. The fact that we outsource to China, is the fact that all their stuff is broken. Shame on us.[/quote]

:unamused: So because the local yahoos can’t bring themselves to read the instructions and maintain their vehicles, it’s our fault? Thank you. I wonder why no one else is having this problem. Maybe you should apply for a job with Ray Nagin…I hear he’s looking for a new spokesman. :slight_smile:

17

[quote=“Comrade Stalin”][quote=“ac_dropout”]And to think some of these “Chinglish” translators also do the translation work for the weapons manual’s of various USA made weapon systems used on Taiwan.

Makes me go to bed feeling safe at night. :laughing:[/quote]

The problem isn’t in the manuals…it’s that the troops refuse to read or ignore the manuals. And the officers are too busy drinking tea to supervise their troops.

[quote]Around 15 percent to 17 percent of the army’s US-made Humvees have developed serious starter-motor problems in recent years due to human errors, the military said in a recent publication.

Around half of these malfunctioning vehicles are still unusable, while the rest have been repaired and are back in operation, the army said.

The army identifies in the publication the major cause of the problem as human error on the part of drivers and mechanics.

The report said drivers failed to operate the Humvees according to technical manuals and mechanics neglected vehicle maintenance requirements.

The drivers were found to have started the vehicles without waiting for the warming process to conclude, which would cause considerable damage to the starter motor.

Those who use the vehicle are mainly conscripts who have driving or car-repair experience prior to serving in the military.

These conscripts, most of whom do not have a strong educational background, are not in the habit of consulting technical manuals for vehicle operations.[/quote]

taipeitimes.com/News/archive … 0000170254[/quote]

That’s retarded, man.
Traditional post-WWII military procedurals, specifically technical, were the specific model for the concept of technical documentation as we know it today.
The actual genesis of the “idiot-proof” concept, it being the first time in modern history where operators would be confronted with technology without there being practically any prior assurance whatsoever that they were up for the task.
Never mind that there was no verb in that last sentence.

18

[quote=“the chief”]
That’s retarded, man.
Traditional post-WWII military procedurals, specifically technical, were the specific model for the concept of technical documentation as we know it today.
The actual genesis of the “idiot-proof” concept, it being the first time in modern history where operators would be confronted with technology without there being practically any prior assurance whatsoever that they were up for the task.
Never mind that there was no verb in that last sentence.[/quote]

You foreigners just don’t understand Chinese culture.

19

Sure there is. The fact that we outsource to China, is the fact that all their stuff is broken. Shame on us.[/quote]

:unamused: So because the local yahoos can’t bring themselves to read the instructions and maintain their vehicles, it’s our fault? Thank you. I wonder why no one else is having this problem. Maybe you should apply for a job with Ray Nagin…I hear he’s looking for a new spokesman. :slight_smile:[/quote]

Man I was TOTALLY being tongue in cheek, i.e. SARCASTIC!!! kisses

20

[quote=“Comrade Stalin”][quote=“the chief”]
That’s retarded, man.
Traditional post-WWII military procedurals, specifically technical, were the specific model for the concept of technical documentation as we know it today.
The actual genesis of the “idiot-proof” concept, it being the first time in modern history where operators would be confronted with technology without there being practically any prior assurance whatsoever that they were up for the task.
Never mind that there was no verb in that last sentence.[/quote]

You foreigners just don’t understand Chinese culture.[/quote]

I beg to differ, sir. I submit that my omission of a verb from that sentence does, indeed, demonstrate that my assimilation of the local culture is proceeding swimmingly…