Joke of the Day 2019

#1

So one day a lonely Sheila puts an ad in the classifieds:
"Looking for a man. Only have three requirements.

  1. He doesn’t drink too much
  2. He won’t run away from me
  3. He’s good in bed"

A couple of days later she hears the doorbell ring. Opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs.
“Gday” he says. “I’m here for the ad. I don’t have any arms so I won’t be drinking too much pom kryptonite (slang for beer because poms can’t go near a good cold beer). And I don’t have any legs so I won’t be running away from you.”
“So what makes you think you’re good in bed?” She replies
“Well I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” He responds

#2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URAqnM1PP5E

3 Likes
#3

Why is it called an Xbox 360?
Because you turn 360 degrees and walk away! :rofl:

#4

So a priest was finishing his tour of duty in the jungles of South America. He decides he better teach them a bit od English before he goes. So he gets the chief and off the go walking in the jungle.
“Rock”, he says, pointing at a rock.
“Tree” he says, pointing at a tree
And so they go on
But before long they come along a man and a woman doing the dirty in a cluster of bushes
Flustered, the priest tells the chief"m-man riding b-bike!"
Without a word, the chief takes out his bow and arrows and shoots them both dead
The priest blows up “what have I taught you?! About sin? About killing?”
The chief turns to him and says:
“My bicycle”

1 Like
#5

Did you hear the one about Xi Jinping and China?

[Removed]

1 Like
#6

You know that if you turn 360 degrees you end up where you started, no?
Unless, of course, you are suggesting to moonwalk away :grin:

3 Likes
#7

LOL, that surely is straight to the point.
I wonder if they end up being together.

#8

Wrong thread, @jbuenavides.
I guess you were trying to post here?
Marriage proposal: who can make a video in Taipei?

#9

I asked my friend what it’s like living in China.

He said he can’t complain.

7 Likes
#10

https://twitter.com/nyquills/status/1185912257764573184

2 Likes
#11

Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?

Because he never had to…run for office :rofl:

#12

It’s so cold out today that I actually saw progressives with their hands in their own pockets.

#13

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

“Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”

The wife, startled at her husband’s violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband’s mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!”

The wife runs to the fri-

“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!”

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps, “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs.”

The husband simply smiles and replies, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car,” and leaves.

1 Like
#14

The funniest part of that is thinking how fast that would have to be shut down if I was driving :slight_smile:

#15

Ask who Joe is

1 Like
#16

Who is Joe?

1 Like
#17

someone who’s running very late, perhaps?

#18

Joe momma?

3 Likes
#19

Thank you, Urban dictionary!

Joe mama
When one plays the joke of who’s joe? on you henceforth furthering your embarrassment

Teacher: who broke my fucking monitor
Kid: it was joe
Teacher: joe who
Kid:joe mama
Rest of class: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH

1 Like
#20

At least you didn’t have to learn the hard way. :grin:

1 Like