Joke of the Day 2020

I tell Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

4 Likes

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

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The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

It was sound advice.

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

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How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1 GB

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Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction.

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again.

So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.”

So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back.

He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?”

“Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”

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Why did the Guinea Pig cross the road?

To prove to the chicken it could be done

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Oh my god! Someone actually replied to this topic! Was almost gonna call it Marco’s Jokes of the Day 2020

1 Like

There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…

Then there’s You, without either.

Happy Valentines

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What did the vampire say to the witch and the warlock when it saw them making out?

Get a broom!

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How does Captain Kirk battle insomnia?

He launches Futon Torpedoes

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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Why was the ladder unlucky in love?

It was always being stood up.

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I remember the first time I got stood up here and I asked someone how to say it in Chinese. It seemed about the funniest thing imaginable.

So this baby seal walks into a club…

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Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

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What did the gamer say to her sweetheart?

You had me at Halo

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What makes ghosts grumpy?

The rain - because it really dampens their spirits

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tp

What are Timon and Pumbaa having for breakfast?

A tuna frittata

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