Why are low carb diets controversial?
They go against the grain
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Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
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Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
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Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
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Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
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Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
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Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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Gargoyle, olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
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Pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist.
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Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
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Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
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Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Postâs Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
-Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
-Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
-Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnât get it.
-Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
-Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
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Karmageddon (n): Itâs like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and itâs like, a serious bummer.
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Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
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Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after youâve accidentally walked through a spider web.
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Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit youâre eating.
And the pick of the literature:
- Ignoranus (n): A person whoâs both stupid and an asshole.
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THE ECONOMY IS SO BADâŚ
How bad is it you ask?
So bad,
THATâŚ
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonaldâs is selling the Âź ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrenâs names.
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finallyâŚ
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
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Why did the chef refuse to crack an egg?
He didnât want to whisk it
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to âPlease be gentle; Iâm still a Virginâ.
âWhat?â said the puzzled groom. âHow can that be if youâve been married ten times?â
"Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative ; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband no. 2 was in Software Services ; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said heâd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband no. 3 was from Field Services ; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnât get the system up.
"Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing ; even though he knew he had the order, he didnât know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband no. 5 was an Engineer , he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband no. 6 was from Administration ; he thought he knew how but he wasnât sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband no. 7 was in Marketing ; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position itâŚ
"Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist ; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist ; all he did was look at it.
"Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector ; all he ever did was lick it⌠God I miss him.
âBut now that Iâve married you, Iâm so excitedâ.
âWonderfulâ, said the husband, "but why?
âYouâre with the GOVERNMENT - this time I KNOW Iâm gonna get screwed.â
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What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
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Well at least someone offered you a job.
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I wouldnât recommend playing football with fungi. They are always spore losers.
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Why did the continents split up?
They were already drifting apart and they decided to keep things strictly tectonic.
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Why was Santa nervous about delivering presents to the Enterprise?
Heâs a red shirt
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I tried to write a good chemistry joke, but it was too formulaic
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My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, âThatâs not right.â
With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.
âPrecisely,â I agreed. âIf the angle were right it would be 90°.â
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Whatâs the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans canât tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans canât tell if their leader is dead serious.
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They say sex sellsâŚ
Probably because you canât spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
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Why do slugs go to the gym?
Because itâs either ooze it or lose it
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A perfectionist walked into a barâŚ
Apparently, the bar wasnât set high enough.
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