That’s dark, Mr. Ruminant!
I’ll take that as a compliment. 
That’s cows for you. You only have to take one look at them to know they’re up to no good.
2 Likes
2 Likes
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.
His mother walks in. “Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!”
“I’m kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?”
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. “Hey, champ! How you doing?”
The kid ignores him.
“Don’t like champ, huh? That’s fine. How about BlueDragon72?”
The kid turns his head quickly. “I haven’t heard that name since I was ten…” He then realized. “It can’t be…”
“Call of Duty, right? I told you I’d bang your mom.”
2 Likes
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”
4 Likes
Ok, it’s mid-August. Vacation season.
What do you call a Super Soaker filled up on the beach with ocean water?
A salt rifle.
4 Likes
Me: Are we on the right way?
Yoda: Off course we are.
4 Likes
How many California politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them. One to hold the light bulb, and the rest to screw the state.
2 Likes
Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!!!
8 Likes
2 Likes
A piece of buttered toast, a sausage, and a fried egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Oh no you don’t. We don’t serve breakfast in here.”
7 Likes
Why is it called an Xbox 360?
Because you turn 360 degrees and walk away
Uh, hate to spoil the joke, but turning 360 degrees means you would end up facing the same direction you started, and walk right into it. Should be (to fit the graphic) “turn 360 and back away.”
5 Likes
Three things Christ promises he will never do:
Won’t leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won’t reject you(John 6:37), and won’t leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
3 Likes
I tried out 10 new puns to see what would make people laugh. But no pun in ten did
7 Likes
You succeeded in bringing a smile underneath my mask! 
1 Like
Damn, we need a DON’T LIKE button.